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Would Have Been 15

15 years since we met, since that first evening together and that first particularly awkward kiss that happened even though we had planned to go on that trip as just friends. Not since our first night together, since after that she did eventually go to the other bedroom, which my parents had cleared for her since she had said she didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with me before she had to, when we’ll actually go on the trip we had met for. Even said she was likely to make me sleep on the floor at the hotel if anything will make her not feel comfortable with it, but then she didn’t want to sleep apart on that first night, after the kiss, eventually going because my parents would have noticed and she had already put them through some trouble.
Won’t describe that kiss and the moments around it again because I did several times before, including ten years ago, when I’m sure it was fresher in my mind than now. But it feels like yesterday, the start and the end, and some major moments in between. The rest is getting increasingly muddy though… And what’s left but memories? If even those go away…
On the other hand, everything that happened since… Wouldn’t call it muddy, but… Unreal? A nightmare I keep waiting to wake up from. Close to 12 years which should have never happened, should have never been.

Went out today, got some things, but this won’t be a personal update. There will be one of those next week I guess, starting from last Wednesday, but it doesn’t matter. Though, regarding writing, and since previous July 12 posts mentioned it as well, I guess I can add here that I’m still sticking to the deadline I had set for myself to stop writing my story, and now that’s just days away. Had struggled to at least add something daily for so long, completely pointlessly for so long, that I have no idea how it’ll be to stop, but lately I’m barely adding a sentence or so per night, wanting to finish this chapter right on that last night, though it has dragged on too long as it is. Think it’s the longest yet because of it, but didn’t even bother to check. Maybe I will once it’s done, and maybe I’ll go over the whole thing from the beginning and keep working on it, or maybe I’ll try some short stories, or maybe I’ll write more on the blog again… Or maybe I’ll just stop. No idea…

Like last year, I’ve been commenting on articles about overpopulation on The Guardian, more of them this time, considering the studies that were released in time for World Population Day. Even got in a brief exchange with one other user, though I still see no point in that, especially since any comment just gets lost in the pile and probably only the other person involved in the discussion sees it, and a discussion on such a topic that’s not at least for the benefit of some audience won’t get anyone anywhere. But when the topic is what it is, and after I even managed to write a decent post on the matter yesterday, I guess a couple of replies weren’t so bad.

Other than that, should have installed this month’s Windows patches today, but after installing the one for Internet Explorer right away yesterday, I set the security-only bundle aside for at least one more day, not wanting to risk problems today, when my mental state, never stable to begin with, was already negatively affected anyway. So maybe I’ll see tomorrow whether I delayed any problems, which will likely mess me up completely, or just the stress. For today, just functioning in any way was quite enough. And I guess I did function, and interacted a bit, and probably didn’t give any signs to those I didn’t want to give them to.
As for those I did give them to, spelling out, didn’t even get a reply. Or, well, there was a brief one, to the image of Facebook reminding me, at the bottom of the list of posts on this date, that 15 years ago I had started a relationship. Nothing else to what I said after, or from the other person. Not sure what it could have been anyway. But I had to send something somewhere, and the two people from here I’m still in some contact with after having started talking to them more recently, though that “more recently” means about a year and a half ago for the first one and I wouldn’t exactly say we’re still actively talking in either case, seemed like the ones I could send it to. Had said it fewer times before, I have few expectations, and there’s less to lose if it goes bad because of it.


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