With two posts already written this week and this needing to be a personal one on a Sunday, even considered not writing a July 12 post this year. That did happen once before, in 2015, but it feels like a sacrilege and that fact still weighs on me, even more so since it was a milestone, the tenth July 12 I spent alone. And this is the 15th, so I definitely couldn’t do it again, and I also won’t do what I ended up doing in 2018 and 2019, when the July 12 posts ended up being about running. That definitely felt wrong as well, but those excellent runs from back then worked to some extent as an excuse, while now I’m struggling, unable to even get back to what used to be regular, “safe” times, and have no new runs to mention anyway.
Still, I’ll say that, while my leg muscles definitely feel like something’s wrong, which at this point, in order to avoid more troubling possibilities, I’m thinking might be a lack of magnesium and/or potassium, they seem to be working well enough for squats, since I timed them again today and somehow managed 2:06, matching the record! Now that I checked that post again, I also noticed that I had written November each time I should have written December, in the paragraph about the squats and in another one as well, and somehow missed it so far, so I corrected that, but to get back to the squats, this time I actually saw 1:01 at 50 and again was tiring at 70, losing speed, was quite exhausted by 85, but I just kept pushing, saw 2:01 at 95 and that same 2:06 at the end. Makes me think that I should start timing them regularly again, and aim for an actual new record, but who knows if gaining even one more second is actually possible, and it’s not what this post should be about anyway.
Back on topic, I did recently send her another e-mail, which obviously got lost in the void, and the situation over there adds to my usual fears and concerns, so it’s not like I’m thinking about her any less, which is what the lack of such a post might indicate, but in fact quite the contrary for quite some time now, for this reason and also, I believe, as a consequence of finding Elena P.. Not that there’s anything good about that, of course, or that there was any moment back then when I was in contact with both of them, but there are some mental links, to that general period but also some more direct ones, and the pretty obvious fact that I doubt anything’d have happened with Andra without things going the way they did with Elena P. first.
It’s actually something I’ve kept thinking about over the years, and I’m not sure I’d have even agreed to meet Andra and go on that trip together without spending that time with Elena P. the way we did, and thinking that maybe I had lost the person I at the time thought had been the best friend I ever had, and possibly could ever have, because we didn’t end up being more than friends, and possibly even specifically because I backed out of what would have easily been a kiss, quite clearly had a lot to do with not backing away again, and in fact directly going for it, the instant that situation seemed to present itself again, with Andra, and smoothly moving from friends to more than that pretty much the very next moment.
Not that the outcome was different in the end, but in between there were over three years with plenty of good moments, including the only ones when I thought this life might just be worth living after all, and the future might just be something I could even look forward to, at least on a personal level, instead of this bleak, hopeless, terrifying source of constant anxiety, depression and even actual horror. It became even worse after that, of course, and so did the present, and all these nearly 15 years that passed since she left, but at the same time the fact that those three years and the good moments in them did exist is the only fuel I have for this whisper of a shred of hope left that maybe I’ll have that again someday. An entirely false hope, of course, only created and maintained even at this purely theoretical level by my mind because I’m still around and must hang on to something, possibly at times hiding to some extent the fact that the only reason why I’m still here is that I was, and still am, too much of a coward… And that the end, however it would come, without something happening first that’d make both all the suffering and the use of resources be worth it, is a too disappointing prospect, to put it mildly, and getting ever more so the more time that passes.
But there’s nothing new there, so I guess I’ll add one more thing on another topic here, before finishing this post, since that actually is new. I’m referring to the fact that I finished Lionheart this evening. Was close to the end last night and just pushed through this evening, making sure I kept everyone alive, the Lightning WarGolem tending to die until I figured out just how to prevent my companions from putting themselves too much in harm’s way too soon. Since the experience received right there at the end got me to level 52, I also used the Here and Now feat to get to 53, therefore getting the benefits of another level for free, since I got another feat then. Now I’m left with a huge pile of notes taken while playing it, 920 words that are just one messy paragraph, and wondering when or even if I’ll write a proper review for it, since it has exactly three on MobyGames and I keep saying I mean to try to write one for any game I finish that has less than three and won’t bother for those that have more, but will decide on a case by case basis when there are exactly three.
Later edit: Oh, seems like there’s one more thing to add about this July 12, and that’s that there were no visits recorded again.