Cav's Place

It felt like I was just about to have a cramp when I woke up on August 31, so I quickly stretched that left calf muscle and managed to avoid it, but doing so also had consequences and that spot bothered me more and more over the course of the day, and by night I was quite worried, wondering how that muscle was going to hold up over the course of the long practice run that was coming. And I also lost a lot of time while trying to get my bread back in the freezer, after taking out the piece that I wanted to have that night, and while that was probably not the only reason for it, it was a good part of why I ended up eating dinner, consisting of a big salad and peanut butter on most of the slices of bread, between 3:25 AM and 4 AM… And that was despite not washing everything left by dad in the kitchen before eating, and doing that and also gathering some more things that he had left in the living room before going to bed meant going at 5:25 AM.
After drinking two liters of tea over the course of the day and then eating that large salad, I kept needing to get up and pee, and I had to do that yet again when I saw that it was 3 PM and decided to get up, even though I had set the alarm to ring at 3:30 PM. Then I filled one of those bottles with the vitamin tea which I had made at night and drank the rest, then made another tea, ate a Gala apple and also mixed raisins in dark chocolate with the yogurt, cereals and almonds, and before leaving I also had the last three of those wheat things, with honey and jam between them, and filled the other bottle with the new tea and once again drank the rest. I didn’t take a cap, but I otherwise wore the full running gear, with both armbands, put the gel, ID card, emergency information, napkins and garlic in the pocket of my tights, and just the bar in the running belt, so I’ll empty it before emptying one bottle, in order to be able to then put that bottle in it. I left at 6:45 PM, when the reported temperature was about 29°C. It was probably about 23°C when I finished, but the numbers varied.
The time was 3:42:43, with lap times of 17:00, 17:45, 18:12, 19:07, 19:36, 20:52, 20:36, 21:08, 22:27, 22:44 and 23:16. Ideally, the target would have been 3:10, and my best time on such a run is 3:18:07, so that was what I was aiming for, while just staying under 3:30 was the other limit, the very worst time that I might just accept as not being a complete disaster, but the only remaining comparison is with my worst time, and I only managed to beat it because I didn’t give up, seeing as I was 7:56 behind that time after nine laps and 6:34 after ten, so if I’d have at least jogged, however lightly, the parts that I just walked back then, I’d have gained far more than this difference of 1:57 that made me avoid having a new worst time. So it wasn’t a case of hitting the wall hard, but of being far behind any potential target ever since lap four… And feeling it pretty much since the beginning. I mean, even though the first lap’s time was exactly on target, I felt slow and had to push more than I intended to for it. And while the times on laps two and three were similar to those from that best run, four seconds better on lap two and two seconds worse on lap three, that time I was really trying to hold back while this time I felt that I was going way past what could be a sustainable pace. And then things just kept getting worse, and if over laps four and five I was still thinking of at least finding a way to stay under 3:30, laps six and seven put an end to those ideas as well, and at least ever since lap eight my only goal was to somehow try to limit my losses compared to that worst time in order to be able to stay under it if I’ll manage to keep running, albeit slowly, all the way to the end.
Sure, I had to avoid the lane plenty of times, and two of the damaged spots created a serious risk of tripping, so I had to make sure that I clearly memorized those spots before it got dark and avoided all of them, while on the other hand there were quite a number of problems caused by people, including a few moments when I stopped for up to a few seconds, but even some of those stops could have been shorter if I’d have really wanted to get through as fast as possible, and even if I’d say that I lost a total of two minutes or so because of this, which is probably more than I actually did and ignores the fact that I lost time because of people on the previous long practice runs as well, it doesn’t exactly change anything. Otherwise, I lost some 40 seconds at the start of lap four, when I drank, a similar time, possibly a few seconds more, at the start of lap five, when I ate the bar, over a minute and a half, maybe approaching two minutes, at the start of lap six, when I finished the first bottle of tea, draining it more or less completely and then struggling to get it into the running belt, a few more seconds at the start of lap seven, to check the time, probably another 40 seconds or so at the start of lap eight, when I drank some of the vitamin tea, though I didn’t really check at that point, over a minute, maybe approaching one and a half, at the start of lap nine, when I ate the gel, and another minute or so at the start of lap ten, when I finished the second tea and then left the empty bottle behind a tree stump. Maybe I should have done the same thing with the first bottle, but it didn’t cross my mind at the time and, either way, the risk of losing it would have been much higher. And no, I didn’t stop when I checked the time at the start of the last lap.
Since on the first three laps I wasn’t going to drink or eat and could even still check the time without stopping, the plan was to cover the first one in 17 minutes and then stay as close as possible to that pace without tiring myself in any way over the next two, but that should have meant holding back quite a lot and that was definitely not the case, since I felt slow pretty much right away, so I gradually increased the effort I was putting into it over the course of the first two sectors and, while during this run I only want to check the time for each lap, I did have a look after sector two of lap one, seeing that I was more or less where I wanted to be. And at the end of the lap I was exactly where I wanted to be, but any excitement generated by that lasted mere moments and after the long straight of sector one of lap two I was getting increasingly concerned, feeling that I was already getting slower and clearly using far more energy than I should have been using at such an early point. And that was the problem, because I already said that the times for those first three laps weren’t bad in themselves, but instead of needing to keep holding myself back in order to obtain them, I actually had to put more and more into it. Sure, I wasn’t exactly pushing, but I was thinking that if I’d have only been running ten kilometers that evening, I probably wouldn’t have even managed to stay under 50 minutes. I did wonder how much of that was caused by carrying those bottles of tea in my hands, and whether in the future I’d dare to stop taking anything to drink with me and use the drinking fountains instead, but there was far more to it than that.
Lap four was when I should have started pushing, to make up for the time lost while drinking, but I was obviously unable to do that, and if I calculated that loss of time correctly, the actual running pace was worse than on lap three. And lap five was even worse than lap four. It’s likely that lap six was a little worse than lap five as well, but even if the actual running pace was similar and the difference was only because I lost so much time at the start of it, the problem was how I felt. I mean, I was about halfway through that lap, so also halfway through the run, when I went from being way too slow despite putting more effort into it than I should have had to at that point to actually feeling bad, and my right leg became a pretty serious concern, multiple spots starting to feel like they weren’t going to hold that much longer, probably also because I had been trying to spare the left one until then. And that also weakened my determination, since I knew that I clearly had no more chances of recovering anything from then on and it’ll only be a matter of damage limitation. I even considered stopping after a half marathon distance, and since I was pretty much at that point when I started feeling even worse, I also considered giving up after seven laps, or after 25 kilometers, if I could figure out where that imaginary line would be, or after eight laps… But it’d have been too much of a failure, and I needed to at least cover that distance and it didn’t seem likely that it’ll be better if I’ll try again the following week.
Drinking some of that vitamin tea, or probably the simple fact that I drank some more and just walked while doing so, at the start of lap eight, did seem to help quite a lot, and the bar eaten at the start of the previous lap might have had time to have an effect as well by then, since I suddenly felt much better… But I’m not sure that it even lasted half a lap, and then things suddenly became even worse than they had been before, so I was at about 24 km when I started feeling like I’d have expected to feel towards the end if I was to be sure that I’ll be able to keep running all the way. I was utterly exhausted and in pain, and my right leg was definitely getting worse, and I was estimating that, considering the pace that I was likely to have, I had about 1:20 left, which actually turned out to be a pretty accurate estimate… And that saying, “if you’re going through Hell, keep going”, came to mind at that point, and it was pretty much the only thing left to do.
I was on sector three of lap nine, so at about 28 km, when I found myself thinking that it should really be the last lap if I was to keep running to the end, but by then I was ever more desperately running the numbers through my mind, trying to see what I had to do in order to at least avoid being slower than in 2020 and finding that it didn’t really add up, so I had to just keep going, keep running, no matter how bad things were and how slow I was. And that was also why I decided to leave that bottle somewhere after I emptied it at the start of lap ten and put it behind that tree stump. I had taken the two identical ones that I have, so I wouldn’t have wanted to risk losing one, but it was dark, I didn’t think that it’d be noticed by someone who didn’t know that it was there, I needed every bit of help that I could get, and I thought that no longer having to carry it, even if it was empty, might just count as a little bit of help.
On sector three of lap ten, so with about four kilometers to go, I was just about completely done. Everything hurt, my arms and abdomen were going numb, my mind was getting cloudy, the darkness probably masked some of the effects on my vision, and my legs were beyond heavy and burning, every bit of the right one hurting and stiff, so I was pretty much throwing it forward and hoping that it won’t completely crumble and bring me down… Which also meant that I was forcing the left one, which caused that muscle to give some serious warnings, a very concerning cutting sensation starting to appear. I even found myself thinking that, if I’d be offered three wishes right at that moment, I might just waste one on turning that lap into the last one, because it was going to take everything to keep running just to the end of it. And if I then realized the absurdity of the thought and briefly occupied my mind with my actual three wishes and trying to come up with a better wording that would reduce the risk of them being turned against me, when I was yet to finish the lap and my heart also started to send some warnings and I noticed that I was getting dizzy and even felt like I might be about to faint, that thought became less absurd and my doubts about being able to keep running to the end increased. I was also wondering whether it was wise to even try, but I then remembered that, with the exception of the moments when I was living with Andra and things were really good between us, I never wanted to live in the first place, so I don’t care.
That meant that I finished lap ten thinking that I’ll only stop if I’ll die first, and as a result I didn’t even stop to make sure that I saw the time properly, especially since that last interval time was going to still be displayed at the end, and retrieving that bottle was obviously out of the question, though I did spare a glance in its direction, to check that it was still there. And I guess that mindset kept me going, somehow, though I was occasionally taking a break from forcing my clouded mind to keep working through the numbers and trying to assess the amount of light and the people who were still around at that hour in order to determine how fast I’ll be found if I’ll collapse. But I didn’t collapse, that leg as well as other more critical body parts somehow holding, and I even tried to push right at the end, to at least finish at a reasonably good pace.
The relief I felt when I finally finished and saw that, despite those three and a half laps of torture, I did at least avoid being slower than ever was almost immediately replaced by terrible disappointment, which in turn made room for serious concern and dread. I mean, my chances of finishing the marathon with an official time below four hours are quite clearly zero, and my goal for the past few years has been to do that before I turn 40, and depending on the exact date of next year’s edition, this may even be the last opportunity, and if it’s not then I’ll only have one more, and it’s not like I’ll be any younger next year. But that’s not even the worst of it, because even finishing is in doubt, seeing as I definitely couldn’t have continued for seven more kilometers that evening, and that was in the evening, not in the morning, at an hour when I don’t usually function, and on next to no sleep. And I can’t compare this situation to 2020, when I might have been in worse shape, because there was no marathon that year.
Either way, after finishing I retrieved that bottle, which was still there, and after struggling up the stairs I stopped at a bench and did a little stretching. Then I somehow made my way back, probably appearing drunk, since my right leg kept going soft, I couldn’t walk in a straight line and stumbled quite a number of times. When I saw an ambulance around the corner when I got here, I even considered asking the paramedics for a quick check, maybe to listen to my heart and take my blood pressure, even if high values are normal and not relevant right after a run, but I obviously didn’t.
I got back just before 11:10 PM, but after the pain subsided enough to allow me to do so, I cleaned the litter box and went to place a bag of trash into the overfilled chute. Then I ate watermelon and caramelized walnuts and took one of those supplements that should help the joints with a part of one of the bottles of protein milk taken after the Dream Trek. I had meant to take that supplement before the run, but since I was just starting to take them again that day, I forgot. Either way, I then even did the day’s squats, somehow, and went to the bathroom at 12:45 AM, oddly enough only leaving a little in the toilet before taking a bath. I got back in the kitchen right at 2 AM, but I had definitely given up on the idea of making pizza, since I really didn’t deserve it. Plus that I wonder when I’d have ended up eating if I would have made it, seeing as even so, after going to the toilet one more time but once again having all too little come out once I was there, I ate a combined lunch and dinner between 4 AM and 5:15 AM, also taking the second pill as I was finishing dinner, since you should take two of those per day, and also finishing that protein milk at that point. And I see the fact that I ate normally that night as quite an achievement, considering my state of mind. After a few days, even if I remain terribly disappointed, concerned and even terrified of what’s to come, I could also find some reasons to be somewhat proud of myself for pushing through all the way to the end, not giving up, but at that point I was just crushed, and I’m not referring to how I felt physically.
I’ll also mention here that no visits were recorded on September 1, except perhaps by the new Google Analytics, but I’m uncertain about that, since the entries were confusing and I didn’t care enough to dig too much into it before going to bed, at 5:50 AM, after taking the tea which I had made while I was in the kitchen to my bedroom. But, of course, I couldn’t sleep, and a little after 7 AM I drank some of that tea and got back on the computer for about an hour, then drank some more tea, peed and made another attempt to sleep, getting some three hours before waking up again when dad left. I probably got up to one more hour after that, before getting up. And I’ll also add here that on the evening of September 2 I finished Hero of the Kingdom II, so let’s see when I’ll manage to also write a review for it, since that had been the plan for this week’s non-personal post but it obviously didn’t happen, and I don’t see myself as managing anything of the sort at least for the next month or so.

The original plan for this post also included the next two runs, but it was so hard to write about this one and I’m quite content that I at least managed to do so, and actually finish before midnight, even more so since it felt like another traumatic event that I couldn’t even get myself to write notes about, so at the time I only wrote the times and what I did before and after, and then posted a quick message elsewhere the following night. The next time I wrote about the matter was in an e-mail I sent two weeks later, and it was even more recently when I managed to write the notes about how much I lost when I drank and ate, so I believe that what I wrote there is accurate but there may be some errors, and any other details are either expanded from the couple of paragraphs from that post and e-mail or written just now from memory, once again meaning that there may be errors, and that various details quite certainly got lost. But, again, I’m quite content that I got this far, and I’m leaving the following runs for another time. Though, again, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do much of anything of this sort over the course of the next month or so.