Cav's Place

At least the real milestone, marking 20 years since she left, is next year, this only being the 20th September 27 if you also count the first one, so it may be less of a crime that at 4 AM I just managed to post a placeholder, limited to this paragraph, after spending the evening finally finishing the previous post. But it is, at the very least, terribly embarrassing, and the fact that what I’ll be adding are regular things, not what such a post should actually contain, makes it even worse. Not that there’s anything actually left to say in such a post after 19 years, of course, unless I’ll find out something new, which isn’t the case at this point.

As the title states, I’m going to run today, this being the first of the series of three runs in five days, one problem being that it’s going to be hot, with a high of 32°C, according to the forecast, and the other, and far bigger, one being that I have what I hope is just a cold. I suspect that I got it from dad, who has been coughing again for a while but claims that it’s “from the stomach” and that he doesn’t have anything, of course, but it might have been from anywhere else as well, and standing around all those people for so long while waiting to start on Saturday is also a probable source of infection, even if it was outdoors.
I really should have started wearing a mask again when going out some time ago, and also inside ever since dad started coughing, seeing as he doesn’t care, but I only wore it on Monday, inside, in order to protect my nose, which was still terribly irritated, and again yesterday, as in Thursday, so I won’t give anything to dad and, through him, to mother as well, in case he actually isn’t the source. And at least wearing the mask on Monday did help quite a lot, but by Tuesday evening my throat started bothering me a little, and by the time I got up on Wednesday it was definitely sore. And, with these runs now and just over two weeks before the marathon that’s the last chance to achieve my goal of running one in less than four hours before turning 40, I really can’t afford anything of the sort. But all I can hope for right now is that it’s just a common cold and it won’t affect my lungs, so I started taking some things right away, definitely having no intention of just letting my body fight it off, as I otherwise tend to do. Yet I’m already feeling something in my chest and have been coughing a little over the past couple of hours, so things don’t look good.
I guess that one option would have been to do things the other way around, walking the route this weekend and leaving this series of runs for later, since doing them a week or so before the marathon should also be fine, but walking for so long doesn’t seem like a better idea at this point either, plus that it’s supposed to rain quite a lot between Sunday evening and Monday afternoon, which was also why I chose to start this series of runs today instead of yesterday, even if today I’d have obviously preferred to avoid going out, or doing much of anything… Not that the forecast is certain, in fact it’s very uncertain and kept varying, but I now just have to hope that I’ll manage to finish the second run before the rain will start on Sunday and that things will be more or less fine by Tuesday, for the last run in the series. But, of course, the first concern is the cold, if that’s all it is…
Getting back to today, I’d have wanted to shave before going to bed, especially considering the heat, which is going to be even more uncomfortable if I’ll run like this, but I definitely have no more time for that now… And it’s not like I felt like it anyway. I mean, I never do, but it’s far worse on such a night. And isn’t it a tradition, at least here, to not shave while mourning? And what’s this night if not the commemoration of the one when I should have killed myself, when I likely died in any practical sense, and when any hope of having a future which might be in any way worth living definitely did? And for anyone daring to say or even think anything that’s anywhere along the lines of “it gets better”, no, it most obviously does not… And that’s all I could get myself to write, after taking quite a few minutes to push back the replies that I actually would have to anything of the sort. So I guess that I’ll just stop here, to manage to edit this and add everything before going to bed.