No Goals for 2025, I Guess…
Not that doing anything else is any different, but since sticking to the rule of having two posts per week is pretty much the one thing that I haven’t given up on but writing’s just harder and harder and ever more pointless, I was seriously thinking of giving up on that idea as well this year, possibly sticking to just one post per week, if even that, and no longer caring about the personal ones being less than half of the total either. But, at least at this point, I’m thinking that I really shouldn’t do that, because it really is the one thing left in a year for which I really have no goals.
At least 2024 worked out from that point of view, achieving the actual major one of completing a marathon with an official time below four hours before turning 40. And I also finally got a new computer and started using it, even if it still feels like something improvised, the lack of security software, or even a proper backup routine, being good reasons for that, along with the uncertainty about the main NVMe, though the problem is yet to reappear after that second time. Either way, I also, however barely, managed to continue the streak of reading 12 proper books per year, and even managed to finish five games, even if 2020 remains the last year when I fully achieved the gaming goal, which would involve finishing at least four “proper” games, something that I’d just quickly get through being allowed as an optional fifth, and in 2024 there were three “proper” games and two little things that I just quickly got through at the end of the year, plus that I still haven’t gotten around to writing the reviews for those three games and I’m wondering more and more whether I ever will, things being as they are when it comes to writing. I mean, the marathon result was such a major achievement I hadn’t even started writing about that run by the end of the year, and now that I finally did, I had no chance of completing the post even one week after starting it, so I left it as just a first part and tomorrow, when I once again plan to go out, I definitely won’t be able to post more than a placeholder for the second part.
So I guess that the one thing that I can still push myself to do is just this, to still post here, and maybe this will also lead to writing those reviews, as well as those for what I’ll finish this year, and I hope that finally having a new computer will make me play more. Then again, I did feel more like playing games again in 2024 as well. And that order of books that’s already a month late should give me more to read when it’ll finally arrive, so this year’s reading list shouldn’t be an issue either. But other than those regular minor goals, I don’t have anything. I mean, that’s pretty much it with the computer, and in terms of running, I didn’t and won’t register for this year’s marathon, not wanting to put myself through that again just yet now that I achieved the goal and would be highly unlikely to do so again, and not meaning to start looking into ultramarathons quite yet. I wouldn’t even say that running one is a specific goal at this point, so I’ll just say that I’m tempted by the idea, maybe even by that of running 100 km at least before turning 50, if not even 45, but I don’t exactly have options around here, or even in the country, since I definitely wouldn’t go for trail running, and either way I don’t want to start preparing for that this year, the idea at this point being to run the marathon again in 2026, see where I stand at that point and then go from there. As for shorter runs, yes, I’m registered for the half marathon, but after completing it with an official time below 1:45 in 2022, I no longer have goals for that, as it seems unlikely that I’ll achieve such a good official time again and simply completing a half marathon, in less than two hours, because more than that would be truly embarrassing, doesn’t count for anything.
And yes, this is also something written just in order to have the week’s first post, my initial idea having been to make the year’s first “New Finds” post instead but not having enough bands to include in it right away and really not feeling like specifically looking just now, plus that when it comes to new music it’s getting harder to be certain that it’s not AI… And in fact I’ve been noticing surprisingly good AI-generated music and was wondering about actually making a post about such “acts”. But that’s a matter for another time.
To return to the lack of goals for 2025, I had been thinking about this lately, and in fact ever since I ran that marathon, and I simply have nothing. I had that target that seemed so dauntingly out of reach for several years and, after that initial feeling of accomplishment, I found that finally achieving it left me quite empty, because it wasn’t a stepping stone to something else, like the half marathon targets had been, and it’s not something that I think I can or even want to try to repeat or sustain. And I had also been thinking of getting a new computer for so many years and now that I finally have it, I must settle on it, consider this as being something final, because I’m anxious enough about it anyway and can’t allow myself to think of possible changes. And, other than those regular reading and gaming goals, and this one about the blog that I was so close to giving up on, I have nothing else. And I really don’t want to have anything else; I have no drive to do other things and really don’t want to just start looking for something. After all, I never wanted to exist in the first place, and that only changed during the periods when things were going well between us while I was living with Andra… And look what that led to…
On that note, this September 27 will mark 20 years since she left, so talk about a milestone year, only in the worst way possible… If you look at it from that point of view, it’s no wonder I’m feeling so empty. I mean, just surviving this would be an achievement in itself… Not that there’s any shred of a reason to want to, except the same one as always, that dying after suffering through life and without something happening to somehow make it be worth all of that would be terribly disappointing, to say the least… And so we just keep struggling along, adding to the pain and suffering, our own and that of others and of the world as a whole…