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Signs, Tears and a Walk

My next rant was supposed to be about overpopulation, but that seems to be going slow. Surprisingly so, seeing as it’s one of my favorite topics. That said, you get this entry till I’ll have that one ready.
General rule for whenever I seem to be beating around the bush in posts like this: If you know me, you probably know what I mean either way. If you don’t know me and for some reason care to know what I’m talking about, all you need to do is ask.

Had one of my many panicky moments Thursday and at some point during it I asked for a sign. Not sure a sign of what exactly, but a sign nevertheless. Probably my mind was steered in that direction after reading an article on the topic earlier that day.
I didn’t expect anything to happen, but it did. Went out of my room to eat that night, looked in the fridge and there I see a dish I hadn’t eaten in close to 5 years. More specifically, not since I was with her on that trip in the mountains, when we met. The mental links took miliseconds to form, so I immediately grabbed it and tried to calculate the probability of this being cooked just now by chance. The result I arrived to by the time I reached the kitchen was something infinitesimal, I said “nice” and then it really hit me. So I followed that with a “shit!”, managed to set the plate on the table, squatted on the floor and burst into tears.
It’s been more than 13 months since I ended up back here with my parents and this is the first time that happened. There were some tears a few more times, but those took a lot of effort, actually trying to cry, fighting to keep crying for just a couple of minutes, listening to songs that sometimes help with that, hugging the teddy bear she gave me… Unlike most, I can’t cry when I’m alone, I need somebody to hug, or at least to be around me, and that’s extremely frustrating considering I feel like crying pretty much constantly since she left. But this time I just burst into tears…
Thank You, whoever heard my call and took care of this. And if nobody did and it was just a very odd coincidence… Well, then I’ll just have to consider myself lucky. It let me cry, and just being able to cry is probably the third best thing that could happen to me right now. But it also gave me a glimmer of hope… And hope can be either good or bad, depends what happens next.

Later that night, I reached a decision. Can’t just sit here, need to do something if I’m to still have the right to hope! Started of course from the most daring action possible, which was certain to send me scurrying back into my hole by morning, then went down the list from there.
A few hours passed, five more options were cut from the list and eventually it was down to starting to go for walks. I have a terrible social anxiety and hate cities and people in general, plus that I’d probably need to go past at least one of those creatures I hoped to never have to see again, otherwise unfortunately known as my parents, both when going out and when coming back in. With that in mind, a walk is a pretty significant step in itself, but the smallest step out of all those considered.
Knowing that if I don’t set the plan into motion as soon as possible I never will, the obvious decision was to go out the very next day, hoping to get up early and perhaps slip out during that time between him leaving and her waking up.

I did get up right during that time, but in a rather unpleasant way. Bad stomach ache and feeling like I was gonna crap in my pants if I don’t rush to the toilet. Either something didn’t agree with me the night before or my internal clock picked a crappy (pun intended) way to be sure I wake up as intended…
Therefore I was awake, but too out of it to do anything but crawl back in bed, try to get back to sleep and, naturally, fail. So I let my mind drift on the thought of reaching a certain park and, mental links being as they are, thought of happening to bump into a long lost friend there. Chances of that are lower than finding a needle in a haystack most likely, but, considering how we bumped into each other the first time, it wouldn’t be quite impossible. Besides, I was sleepy!
What happened next is that I let myself go down that train of thought and imagined what I’d tell her about what happened to me in all this time. So I went through pretty much the entire story of the little over 3 years in which, for the first and probably last time in my miserable existence, I actually felt alive. And I did that lying in bed and talking to myself for over 3 hours, though I did fall asleep after about 2.5, then woke up and picked up where I left off for a few more minutes before falling asleep again, then woke up again, picked up where I left off one more time and finished it. And you know what? It felt good to just say it… As for those who read that and said I’m crazy, all I can say is I wish I were. It seems like a way out, being oblivious to reality and living in your own fantasy world…
Once I was done with that, I looked at the time. Almost 3 PM… Thought there was no way to get out anymore. Friday afternoon, it’s going to be crowded like crazy everywhere. So I said I’ll try Monday… Well, as soon as I said that, I followed it with “The hell I will! If I don’t do it now I won’t Monday either… Besides, I said I will so I have to!”, got up, got ready, and out I went.

Initially thought about just hitting this park very close by here. But I reached the corner, thought of how nasty this one looks and went the other way, to the one I kept ending up in the other (exactly three) times I went out by myself since I got back here, this time finally knowing the proper way to get there… And for the first time I actually went all around the lake (and then some).
– Lots of annoying bugs flying around in tight groups. Actually seem to have brought one home with me. When I took the shirt off it flew off, guess it ended up under it at some point.
– Cute little fluffy doggies, but also big mean-looking ones… The little ones make me happy for some reason, I think I “greeted” each and every one of them that I saw… And I didn’t mind the big ones this time, though I did get drenched in sweat on a few occasions when they went by me too close for comfort.
– No more seagulls and far less ducks than last time… But I did see a momma duck and ducklings, cute!
– Obvious efforts from the city to really make that place great, blocked by the disinterest of the workers. Unfinished little birdhouses everywhere used by people as ashtrays… A heap of trees ready for planting and 3 workers sitting casually in the middle of the pile and smoking… I wanted to scream! Heck, I wanted to pick up the other parts, a hammer and some nails and finish those birdhouses myself…
– A great oak in a place so central I wonder how come I missed it before. Large open place in the high part, path goes all around it and other major paths branch off in every direction from there, and the tree is in a large patch of earth right in the middle of all that… That place felt… Holy is probably the best way to describe it. I wanted to scream “Why isn’t there some sort of fence around the edge of the path, so people won’t just march through if they mean to go straight ahead?!” (and there are quite a few “straight aheads” possible there).
– Really annoyingly many babies!!! ARGH!!! (Notice the difference: Aww, puppies! Aww, ducklings! Eww, babies!) Well, really annoyingly many people actually, but it was Friday afternoon after all…
– One 40+ year old guy, carrying a backpack, going around on roller skates…
– Several groups of boys playing soccer, one of which turned a brilliant backheel pass as I was passing by, quite impressive actually… And too many girls in their early teens with fancy camera phones, mp3 players and dressed and made-up like… Well, you get the point…
– One woman, I’d say in early 20s, sitting on a bench and listening to something that seemed familiar. But she glanced pointedly at me as I passed by so I hurried past, not wanting to intrude in her personal space, and didn’t manage to make it out.
– Not a single person reading a book! How sad is that?
– And lots of couples… Some really sweet (though none that made me feel what I felt while going past another couple a while back), others obviously knowing nothing of feelings. There was a spot I’d have liked to take a picture of to express just that. You had a macho-looking guy and a chick on a bench. Him staring straight ahead and not sparing her any attention apparently. Her more like clinging to than hugging him. Both in fancy clothes and showing off flashy “gear”. And right in front of them, lying on the ground, since there’s not much grass there, right on the edge of the lake, you had another couple. Completely lost in their own world, arms and legs entwined in an indescribable mess. Him with a ’60s haircut. Her… Well, only way I can describe her is “nice”, and I’m not just talking about looks, just gave off that feel. Both appearing to have just thrown on whatever piece of clothing they spotted first on the way out the door. He was giving her something to drink and then trying to see how it made her taste when he kissed her. Darn expressive moment to take a picture of, the contrast…


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