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You Could Call It a Health Update?

That I feel like shit is nothing new. What may be new is that something seems obviously wrong physically as well, however. Or multiple things, actually. Not that I don’t constantly worry about this and that or that there aren’t some usual problems in that area as well, but this is worryingly different. Fair warning, this will likely fall under “too much information” and not interest anyone anyway. Basically just writing it so anyone reading this will be able to figure out what happened in case I vanish. I’m serious, that’s pretty much where my mind is right now.

For starters, the numbness seems to have mostly moved to my left side as of a few days ago. For the past several years there was this partial numbness, for lack of a better term, on my right side, with the affected areas varying from just a couple of fingers and toes to about half of my arm and leg, as in all the way from my shoulder and hip but only on one side. No loss of mobility or control that I could ever notice, save for anything caused by the shaking, which is another long-term issue, and it wasn’t as if I couldn’t feel a touch in the affected areas either, but… The best I could describe it is that it seemed as if I had another layer of clothing on me, any touch that actually was directly on the skin feeling as if it wasn’t. Well, as of a few days ago, that sensation lingers only on a couple of fingers and toes on my right side, but has become noticeable in my right hand and foot as well, though there is nothing above the wrist and ankle. Since I thought I felt something catch in an unusual way in my back the night before I first noticed this, I can assume that the spur I know is on my spine may have caught a nerve or something in a different way, since that’s what I usually blamed for the problem on the right side as well, as soon as I learned for sure that I had that thing there, some five or six years ago.
Then there’s a troubling headache somewhere over my left eye. And some other headaches in general, but I wouldn’t pay much attention to that normally. The thing is that the pain I feel in that area lately seems very different from how headaches usually feel, so that worries me. Sure, it could be explained by the fact that I spent so much time watching things lately and my eyes are very tired, which means that my left eye is especially tired since it’s the better one and the brain will obviously strain it while more or less ignoring the other one…
Then there’s the fact that my pee seems somewhat darker in color. Not that this is especially new, been thinking this for quite some time, but now it adds up, not to mention that my left kidney has nudged me a few times with a little pain every now and then over the past several months. And there may be a little nudge now and then from my liver as well, which could also explain it, though it’s not something I’d pay attention to unless associated with something else, like now. The problem is that I can’t see the color well enough to know for sure in the toilet, so it may still just be an impression. Sure, I could pee in something and look then, but the thing is that I don’t really want to know. I mean, it’s not like I could get myself to go to a doctor unless dragged there either by force or unconscious, especially since I’m too afraid of too many other things as well lately, so knowing that yet another thing is wrong wouldn’t exactly help. Not unless someone could figure out what the problem is and how to solve it without me seeing a doctor, that is…
The next issue appears to be that my heart has decided to act up more lately. There’s the usual slight arrhythmia that has developed back when I was living in constant terror because I was forced to go to school and that scared me so much, but this is starting to become annoying! A couple of nights ago it even decided to skip beats a few times per hour, which included one moment just as I was falling asleep, and feel rather weak overall as well. That was very annoying because the way my body has learned to deal with this is by producing a small adrenaline rush whenever this happens, which also usually involves me making a sudden move, as that usually puts things back in order immediately. As you can imagine, an adrenaline rush just when I was in that state between being asleep and being awake made me jump straight up and look around in panic, so it was quite a long time before I could try falling asleep again.
And, with the potentially serious issues out of the way, there is also the annoying matter of the skin problems that have decided to act up a lot lately. The diagnosis was atopic dermatitis, which seems to fit the bill well enough, but it had left me mostly alone for some months. Then, a couple of months or so ago, the affected area on and around my private parts decided to flare up and hasn’t calmed down since. I kept thinking that it’d calm down on its own after a while, as it kept doing whenever this happened for the past few years, but this feels really nasty and it’s terribly infuriating! And of course there’s also that yeast infection in that area, which hasn’t left since it decided to visit me over two years ago. Sure, we seem to have reached some sort of agreement after a few attempts to get rid of it during the first several months, in the sense that it no longer causes the affected area to itch or crack and I no longer try to get rid of it, but it still bothers me that it’s obviously still there and noticeable when I look. At least there’s nobody to have sex with, so it’s not a problem in that aspect…
There would be a few other minor annoyances and worries, but that’d be pretty much it. Well, that and the fact that I seem very close to a panic attack, which is in part caused by thinking about this, in part by all the other things I worry about and in part seems to just come on its own.

I’ve been craving a lot of sweets lately and not really eating many, though still more than I usually do. Actually, since some time ago I switched the cereals I was usually eating, which contained dried fruit, with some others that don’t contain that, some of these symptoms could be explained by low blood sugar. I mean, since I usually just eat once per day, and that’s late at night, it seems likely. And I certainly remember a few other times when this was the case, most notably once when I hadn’t touched any sweets in two months, not counting the dried fruit in those cereals, and I ended up with numb arms and legs, headaches, heart acting up more than usual and the feeling of an imminent panic attack until I figured out what the cause was and I sat down with a jar of jam and a spoon and slowly ate from it until I started feeling better. But this time it seems to be more than that, and it still wouldn’t explain the piss.
So let’s see what will happen next. Since seeing a doctor isn’t exactly an option for me, I’ll just sit here and worry about it. Such problems were much easier to handle back in 2006, when I just hoped to die. Now, when what I want is obviously another chance and I’m fully aware that there’s no way that could ever happen unless I’m alive, it’s harder to put up with…


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