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Really Need to Move

This should have been a post about programming, because for some reason I found myself installing Ruby two days ago and fooling around with some simple scripts, and then last night getting the crazy idea of burning pretty much every stage in between and teaching myself some basic D. There were some things to say about that, even though the latter attempt seems doomed from the start because I can’t seem to grasp the first thing about it and tutorials are few and far between, most of the existing ones also being meant just for C++ programmers who want to switch, but I won’t bother anymore.

That’s because I just noticed today that Jen removed me from her friends list on Facebook as well. At least she didn’t put me on ignore yet, but that may well be the next step. So of course I sent her a message, asking once again what the fuck did I do to her to make her ignore me, but not exactly expecting a reply, though I really fear getting one.
I really don’t have the slightest clue as to what I could have done, so tend to assume that she either did, does or is about to do something she doesn’t want me to know about or knows something she really doesn’t want to risk making me aware of, which makes ignoring me a safety precaution. Being removed from the friends list serves only to strengthen that assumption, as it prevents me from seeing her status updates or pictures, which is where such information may be revealed. And that’s the reason for my fear, as the first thing my mind jumps to is obviously the thought that she may know something about Andra, especially since she was about to go on a trip to London when she started ignoring me.
That’s really all I can think of, though there may be two potential things about her as well, namely that she may have gotten or may plan to get pregnant or married. Though I somehow doubt the latter would make her ignore me, as I obviously wouldn’t approve and nag her about it but don’t think it’d be bad enough to justify such a course of action. So that leaves me thinking that it either has something to do with Andra, in which case, as much as I want to know, the impact of learning anything that could be going on in her life but not somehow make her seek me out herself could only range between being devastating and utterly deadly, or that Jen has at least thoughts of pregnancy, in which case I guess she only saved herself one exchange, as learning that would just make me send her a very vicious message and then ignore her myself.

In fact, that’s very likely the main reason for the feeling of imminent doom I’ve been experiencing lately, because both those options are in the “worst case scenario” range. Of course, as long as Andra doesn’t have and isn’t about to have children and Jen would have gotten back in touch with her, it would be nice to get some information out of her, learn how Andra’s doing at least, but if she does know anything she’s obviously determined to hide it, so that’s an impossible scenario, which only leaves the devastating ones, as I said. And, of course, my constant fear that Andra may have or may be about to have children is only worsened by this, and since that’s absolutely the worst thing that could ever possibly happen, I’m sure you can imagine my state of mind…
Now there is also a second important reason for that feeling of doom, or actually a series of reasons, but they all seem to pale more and more in comparison to these…

But I doubt there’s anything I could possibly do about any of that, not that there has been anything I could do to get any bit of the life I want for the past five or so years… So the only thing I can try to sort out is this blog, which is hosted by Jen and therefore quite likely to vanish soon enough. In fact I also noticed that the backup link was gone when I checked last week. I worked around that, but next time I try I may very well find that the password is no longer valid, so it may already be too late if I want to move without losing anything. I’m even taking a risk with this post…
Fact is that I really need to find a decent cheap hosting plan and move right away, because I don’t seem to have any other options. I’ve been fearing this moment ever since she stopped talking to me, but the priority was to somehow figure out what happened and then sort it out… Until now, when I guess the only thing left is to put her next to Elena G. on the list of people who started ignoring me without any apparent justification and move on to damage limitation…
Of course I know the domain name I want, or at least I know what my second choice is, seeing as my first choice is taken, and also have an idea about the host, but really worried about that due to all the problems a wrong choice would end up causing. And there’s also the fact that, while I want a paid host just to be able to do whatever I want with the site, I’m as insecure as ever when it comes to my abilities to even keep the blog functional, much less actually do something that would justify having my own site as opposed to throwing it all on a free blogging site.

If she will reply something, I guess you may well get another post from me tonight or tomorrow, depending on how badly it will affect me, assuming I’ll still have access. If it’s that absolute worst case scenario that I mentioned above, it hopefully will also be the last thing anyone will ever hear from me, though I still fear I’m way too much of a coward for that…

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