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Packing Virtual Bags

It seems that the inevitable finally happened and my site’s gone. What’s interesting is that the whole domain is gone, apparently for over 24 hours now, so there’s still a chance that it might only be a problem with the host, but also a chance that Jen canceled it since she wasn’t exactly using it anymore. There’s also a chance that she deleted my blog and banned my IP from accessing the rest of the domain, of course.
Either way, I said I had to be out of there by the end of the month, so guess I need to act on that. I would have liked some more time to look for a good host, but I’ll go with the one I was leaning towards after looking over the offers I already knew of and hope my choice won’t be too wrong. Though unfortunately I’ll need to involve dad, as he’ll have to go to a bank to pay…
But there is also the little issue of the domain name I want being taken by an ISP. They have the .net one, which is what I wanted, but I’ll just sigh and take the .com one. However, I’d rather be safe than sorry, so I sent them an e-mail asking if they had any problems with me registering a domain with the same name and waiting for a reply. I wonder if they will reply, in fact… If they don’t say anything by Monday, I’ll just assume they have no problem with it and go ahead with registering it.
Then it’ll only be a matter of setting everything up… And hoping that my last backup is in perfect order, of course, because I really don’t want to lose anything.

Otherwise, I seems that I just keep coding lately. Just wondering both why did I think to restart learning programming now and why did I stop in the first place, considering how immersed into it I now am. Gave up on Ruby though, since I didn’t plan to learn something that doesn’t compile anyway.
The bad part is that whenever I stop for a moment and let my mind go where it wants to go, I’m gripped by a paralyzing fear, thinking of what is likely being hidden from me. And that will only get worse the more time passes without me knowing exactly what’s going on, but I’m too afraid to try to force someone’s hand because I’m too afraid of what may be going on… So there’s no way out of this, just like there hasn’t been any way out of the nightmare I’ve been living in for the past five years so far either.

Since I mentioned that, exactly five years ago it seemed as if there could still be a chance, as it was the night when she talked to me again, after those three weeks during which she wouldn’t let me be in the same room with her while she was awake. Of course, that proved to only be false hope, just like all the other times when I hoped that something good could happen to me and last… And yet, somehow, I’m still not crazy enough. Or at least not in the right way…


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