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Ten to One

Picked this up from Ami, who posted it in two versions nearly two years apart. There were four differences between the versions, so I picked what I thought was the most relevant option for each of those four places and then filled it. For each part, I tried to rank according to importance, frequency or relevance and then list in reverse order, but of course such ranking is far from perfect. I’ll probably start linking to this when I’m asked to write a profile somewhere, because there are a whole lot of things about myself listed here, a few of them actually being a little difficult to write. But I make a point of being an open book, so here it is.

I. Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Taking Ami’s advice and filling in positions with things I want to say to people I don’t personally know, since I wouldn’t have ten to list otherwise.
10. You become like them when you try to work with them, not when you use their own methods, and worse, against them. Yes, it’s very easy to do way more harm than good that way, but violence and terrorism can be very effective if used carefully. It’s talking that hardly ever gets us anywhere when it comes to such issues.
9. Nice ideals, but your approach will never see them turned into reality. When, while fighting people who care nothing for fairness, you reject any method that violates your strict sense of ethics, you can at best lose gracefully. But it’s highly unlikely that they’ll allow you even that much.
8. I do, shall we say, pray for you, but I’m not quite sure what I’m praying for. So no, I didn’t forget you, but any knowledge of a man even slightly less than the only one I respected and felt I learned so much from way back then would soil that image beyond repair. Many problems of the body can be managed, but life becomes a complete waste as soon as the mind starts to fail.
7. Stop being so damn controlling! And have your head checked out. Thanks.
6. I still want to know what the hell that was about and why didn’t you actually talk to me. I really thought that we were friends once and hoped we could be friends again someday, perhaps when your life would become less hectic. It’s a real pity that it seems you didn’t.
5. I’ll always wonder if any part of what happened back then was real, won’t I? Wish you’ll somehow drop me a message someday to at least answer that one question, if only so I’ll know whether it’s even possible for me to have a best friend or something like that is only possible if it’s all an act. But now I keep wondering if you’re even still alive…
4. I know it’s very hard for you to believe this, but I don’t want to hurt you. The problem is that I can’t help you in any way either if you don’t let me in. I may be patient, but you’re extremely difficult to talk to.
3. I still want to know what exactly made you come to this decision, as the fact that we very firmly disagree on pretty much all the “important things in life” has been obvious ever since we started talking.
2. No, I most certainly will never see you as you see yourself. It’s a logical fallacy and your stance on this pisses me off to no end, especially since it also causes significant harm to some of the causes you claim to be fighting for!
1. I’m quite aware that I couldn’t actually be happy with you anymore, but it’d be infinitely better than anything without you, because nothing can change in what I feel. So I must hope against hope that what I fear didn’t, doesn’t and won’t happen and that someday you’ll first talk to me again and then allow things to move up from there. I love you and I’m patient, but also way too hurt and frightened…

II. Nine things about yourself.
I’m trying to make this interesting and relevant, so I’ll list mostly things that I didn’t post in a public place until now, and even a few that I never told anyone before.
9. I have extremely poor short-term memory. I can’t keep something in mind, but must usually first memorize and then recall it some time later. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I meant to pick something up but turned to do something else first and forgot all about the first thing until I realized that I needed it at some later point and remembered the entire scene. Please don’t think I’m not paying attention if I can’t remember what you just told me.
8. I clearly support ecoterrorism, as long as those who commit it are careful not to hurt the environment even more through their actions and innocents are removed from the area first, even if by force. Unlike the major ecoterrorist organizations, who tend to take pride in never harming any person, I view harming and killing those directly responsible for significant environmental damage or for suffering caused to a significant number of animals as simply an act of justice.
7. I wouldn’t say that I “suffer from” social anxiety, as it also provides me with a decent excuse not to do all those things that pretty much everyone considers “normal” and even mandatory but that most of the time I wouldn’t want to do. The fact that it also stops me from doing some things on the rare occasions when I would want to do them seems like a fair price to pay for that.
6. I’ve always wanted to be friends with a prostitute, though only with one of a very specific kind, being perhaps as far removed from those who earn their living on the streets as from the “luxury” ones. I’m talking about one who works alone and quite likes what she does, offers, shall we say, quality services and can pick her clients to a certain extent, usually having a small number who seek her out pretty regularly and only rarely dealing with others, looking to earn just enough to live in decent conditions and otherwise behaving in a way that’d never tip you off regarding what she does for a living. Now I imagine that this type, fulfilling all these conditions and even those I didn’t write here, is extremely rare, but really think she’d have a lot of interesting things to say.
5. My sexual fantasies seem to involve actually having something done to me less and less. If my mind drifts to sex when I’m really tired, it’s usually a brief image of slipping inside her while we’re both sleepy and otherwise fully dressed and thrusting a few times for a quick orgasm, promising to make it up to her later. The rest of the time, it’s often me doing something, usually oral, to her until she has a couple of orgasms, or at least one really good one, and then either slipping inside, putting my cock between her breasts or even just rubbing it against her belly and coming instantly while she’s still trying to recover her breath. Granted that this is often followed by proper intercourse, which can range from so gentle that it can basically be described as me just happening to be inside her while we cuddle to way rougher than I could possibly even tolerate, much less actually desire, in practice, but that doesn’t exactly count as something done to me either.
4. I have many worries and fears regarding my health, but by far the worst is cancer. Whenever I notice anything that could in any way be related to that, I immediately panic and assume I have it. That’s probably in part also because I’m quite convinced that the moment I’ll notice such a thing and think it’s not that, it actually will be.
3. I find that I can have little to nothing to do with people who are not depressed and emotionally hurt and don’t intend to do anything about that. In fact, it seems pretty much exactly how it should be.
2. As much as I support the concept and honestly desire to be in one, I also fear being in a polyamorous relationship to a certain extent. Blame insecurities, I guess. And yes, I was afraid back then too, though what actually ended up happening was certainly way worse than my fears.
1. It may seem that I have none, but in fact I’m quite aware of my own reproductive instinct. It’s not just that, at some point in my teens, I wanted to have three children, but that I’m still very much aware that such a perceived need still exists at some instinctive level. In fact, alongside a strong mind, I think that such awareness is necessary to ensure that such instinctive urges will never be acted on. And yes, I firmly believe that anyone who can’t or won’t do something like this is vastly inferior to anyone who does.

III. Eight ways to win your heart.
8. Never try to change me or push me past what I say my limits are, but help me be the best that I can be, help me advance more quickly along my chosen path. This usually means helping me do more for a cause I believe in, teaching me how to live a “greener” and healthier life, fully taking my situation into account, or perhaps even teaching me some useful programming language at an advanced level. However, at times it can mean something as little as pointing me towards a new band, book or perhaps even TV series that I’ll really like, especially if I’ll also find that it contains something meaningful on a larger scale.
7. Be passionate about a cause that I also support. This generally means a cause other than overpopulation, since some degree of passion about that falls under the top condition, but that can count here as well if you’re extremely passionate about it. Either way, do more than I currently do for that cause and help me do more as well.
6. Value physical touch way above everything else when it comes to expressing affection. To some extent, this can apply even on-line, with frequent text hugs that you actually mean and a general atmosphere that makes it clear that if we were to have that conversation face to face we’d most likely be cuddling whenever the topic is something personal. If we’re to meet, then of course that means real hugs, holding hands, cuddling if we’re inside and so on. And yes, this also implies being very sexual and completely open about it, not in any slutty or vulgar way but making it clear that sex is important to you and talking about it quite a lot, very seriously as well as jokingly.
5. Be natural and true to yourself. Dress simply and comfortably, don’t use make-up and basically don’t spend time, effort or money trying to look a certain way. Say what you think and act how you feel, without caring what others say or think about you. Don’t wear masks and don’t play roles.
4. Be very intelligent and think for yourself at all times. Never take what a state official, a religious authority, the media, your parent, your boss or anyone else, except your significant other and your closest friends, says at face value. Always question, always challenge, always pass everything through your own filters. Don’t shy away from conflict. And yes, challenge me too, make me feel that I really need to get my facts straight before discussing something with you. If you somehow manage to get me to add an important exception to one of my ideas, not to mention actually getting me to change a concept entirely, I’ll really put you on a pedestal.
3. Don’t live in the “real world”. Dream of something different and work towards it, and not by going on the idea that you’ll change the system from within. Refuse to do what society says you should do, such as having a career or getting married, and focus on what could and should be in the future. If all else fails, cut yourself off from the world, but never ever give in!
2. Be lonely and vulnerable. Depressed, emotionally hurt, dejected, yes, but if these things make you keep people away out of fear of being hurt even more I’ll only pity you. However, if you let me in, tell me everything and leave yourself open like that, I’ll immediately feel that we share something truly special.
1. To end with the obvious, don’t have and be determined to never have children. Be absolutely certain that this is the right thing to do and do something meant to greatly reduce the number of births worldwide. Direct action would be great, but even just pestering everyone who’ll listen and most of those who won’t counts.

IV. Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Not counting memories and regrets…
7. Details of new political systems. That includes better ways to govern and elect officials, but also an entirely new way of defining and creating countries.
6. Details of a new economic system that’d ensure that everyone has the right to a decent life and only those who truly derive satisfaction from having a career and are also skilled enough for it work.
5. How to make people live in harmony with the environment and all the other creatures they share this planet with.
4. Worries about my health.
3. Lots of bleak thoughts about the future, both mine and the world’s.
2. How to force the tremendous majority of people to stop having children until the world’s population will be back within sustainable levels.
1. Fear that Andra may have or adopt a child.

V. Six things you wish you’d never done.
This is very difficult, as my regrets are usually things I didn’t do. But some can be worded in such a way as to fit…
6. Opening myself up to Diana like I did way back then. For obvious reasons. Not that the outcome actually hurt me, in fact in some ways it perhaps even helped, but it clearly was a very bad decision.
5. Turning around and going back home after finding Elena P.’s place again, just taking the address so I could send her an Easter card (and a letter) instead of boldly going up, ringing the doorbell and demanding an explanation for her vanishing from my life like she did. We met once right after she came from school and she wanted to drop off her bag first, so we went to her place and I waited outside while she quickly went up to do just that, so I sort of knew how to get there, but only knew her apartment number, as she happened to mention it once during conversation, and not the rest of the address. Of course, it’d be basically impossible for me to do something like that, and even more so at that moment, as I had dad drive me to that area, but I doesn’t mean I regret it any less. (See what I said about wording things differently?)
4. Sending that “diary” to Andra, the one I started writing after being thrown back here. Actually, I don’t regret sending the rest of it at all, but only a certain “bargaining” part. That was just awful. Then again, she probably never read any of it.
3. Dismissing the obvious red flag and going right back to playing Knights of the Old Republic II when she snapped at me after I asked what if I didn’t want to move to England. I was playing and she just suddenly said that she’s actually considering going to England to him and, if things work out, staying there for some six months or so and use that time to arrange for me to come live with them as well. I casually asked what if I didn’t want to live in England and she snapped at me, saying that in that case I can do whatever the hell I please, but that’s the only way. I stared at her, she lowered her eyes and shrugged, and then I just went back to playing. It probably wouldn’t have changed a damn thing, but that certainly was a very good time for a long talk…
2. Stepping back after putting one foot on the ledge of the balcony and looking down. It was the evening Andra got back from England the first time and I was still living there, being kicked out the next day. She went to Tudor’s old room, after a while I went there after her, we exchanged a few words and then she left, I think called by her mother, and I went out on the balcony and did that. But of course was too much of a coward to go through with it. Not worthy enough to live, not brave enough to die. Maybe something will happen someday that’ll make me say that was the best decision I ever made, but so far it’s clearly one of the worst.
1. Saying something the last time Andra seemed willing to do something sexual with me, shortly before leaving. I just asked what did she want me to do, but it made her start crying and stop me. Later she explained that she wanted to do it with me at first but once she got really worked up she sort of drifted into fantasy and imagined I was him, so my voice shocked her. I can’t really say that I was completely unaware of where her mind was at the time, was to be expected under the circumstances, so that makes it doubly stupid.

VI. Five things that frustrate you.
5. Being unable to shop for everything on-line. I’m mainly talking about not having any way to purchase books from abroad, digital versions of games and perhaps even some music from independent artists that I’d like to encourage, but this can extend to other things as well. Over here, you can quite easily purchase electronics, software, some office supplies and, somewhat more recently, books on-line in good conditions and at good prices, but anything else is in short supply and usually very expensive, because it’s considered a luxury to purchase, say, food or cleaning products on-line instead of going to the store “like a normal person”.
4. Unnecessary changes. Let’s get something straight: If something doesn’t work, it obviously needs to be changed. But if something works well enough as it is and doesn’t show signs of breaking down in the very near future, it should only be changed if said change will certainly bring about significant improvements in all relevant aspects. Changes that only bring very minor improvements aren’t worth the trouble, while those that improve some aspects but significantly worsen others, and especially those that simply make things different, without them becoming any better or worse, are really bad. Yes, this also applies to people who constantly want things to be different and interesting instead of looking for a comfortable routine and then settling in it, and especially to those who even think that the terms “comfortable” and “routine” are mutually exclusive.
3. Not getting replies to my messages! I’m not talking about new people who don’t reply after I send them something the first time, but about those I like to consider friends. Yes, I’m looking at you! It’s bad enough that hardly anyone thinks to send me something unless I struggle to keep a conversation going or start a new one myself, but not even replying when I do is just rude. And when what I write is important to me, or even simply rather long, even if it’s just random babble, it’s even worse. Seems like someone made a rule stating that I need to send at least several messages before earning the right to a reply. For me there can never be more than two or three things more important than the people I talk to on-line, yet they, in case they don’t ignore me completely, only get around to perhaps send me a few lines once they’re done with all the other 217 things that are way higher on their respective priority lists! And let’s not even mention all those who stopped talking to me completely…
2. The way most people think and act. How they don’t act when they should but do when they shouldn’t, and often in the worst way possible. How stupid, selfish, greedy, materialistic, unfair, unnecessarily violent and simply evil they are. It’s awfully hard to find one good thing to say about them! Just take a look around and see what they did and what they’re doing to this world, for fuck’s sake!
1. People who claim to fight for a cause but refuse to get their hands dirty. Those who think the world’s problems can be solved just through peaceful resistance, diplomacy, negotiations and education. Even worse, those who believe that most people will make the right choices on their own if given accurate information despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Pacifists, people who reject the use of violence, subterfuge, dirty tactics, manipulation, propaganda and other such methods proven to work even when more ethical ones are clearly ineffective. In general, those who somehow seem to believe that you can defeat those who start from the higher ground and care nothing for fairness by being fair yourself.

VII. Four turnoffs.
4. Being all too traditional, or noticeably more vanilla than me. When it comes to the purely physical part, my main focus is oral, so it’s not going to work if you shy away from that. In fact, not being keen on oral is the most important thing listed in this paragraph. Also, I’m very visual, so don’t insist on only doing it in the dark and don’t even mention wanting to keep any item of clothing on. And, while I certainly don’t want to do it in public or in any unusual place, if you only want it in bed and not also in the bathtub, on the living room couch and maybe even on the floor, we’ll have a problem. And I do prefer the girl to be on top, in more ways than one. Experience proves that I can do well enough even if I’m nearly always on top, but it does make me uncomfortable if it happens all too often.
3. Being fake in any way. I certainly want everyone to be natural and themselves at all times, but during sex it seems even more important. Sex should be about consenting individuals who throw away anything and everything they may cover themselves with at other times and explore, pleasure and enjoy each other as they truly are, from skin-deep to deep inside. Take that phrase both literally and figuratively. Yes, this also means that roleplaying and even simply wanting to wear anything for sexual purposes is out of the question! And as a rule, not counting anything done for health reasons, temporary intentional changes in appearance are usually a big issue, but permanent ones may be all right if they don’t add something that wasn’t there before. So, for example, a breast reduction can be all right, but a breast implant won’t be unless done to reconstruct a breast that had to be removed.
2. Being too much for me to handle. Being slightly less vanilla than me is very much desirable, but if the difference is too great it won’t work. This can mean a huge number of things, such as making so much noise that the neighbors are likely to know what we’re doing, wanting it in public or in really weird places, wanting to try too many different or any really difficult positions, having a foot fetish, being too pushy or too dominating, but also too submissive, desiring heavy bondage, anything that causes significant pain, leaves marks in places that aren’t covered by clothes even in summer, draws blood or simply makes me feel very uncomfortable. The latter includes, but is not limited to, wanting or needing to say or to hear certain words or phrases during sex, needing specific items to be used or at least nearby too often and so on. And let’s not even mention stranger or more dangerous fetishes…
1. Not counting serious deformities, missing body parts or very large scars, the physical deal breakers are moles and short hair. The hair part is simple: It should at the very least settle nicely on the shoulders. Being a little shorter may sometimes not be too much of an issue, but being only a few centimeters long or not even that is a clear deal breaker. As for moles, the problems are either large ones, even if they’re flat, or raised ones, even if they’re small, though areas of slightly raised skin that’s not in any way different in color don’t count. Exceptions can be made for flat ones that, while perhaps of significant size, are relatively light and out of the way, as well as for pretty much anything below the knees, but if they’re anywhere else, and especially on or around areas that my mouth will focus on, namely lips, neck, earlobes, breasts and pussy… Well, let’s just say that getting close to a raised mole literally makes me nauseous. And yes, this means that this one on my nose seriously bothers me, even if it’s little.

VIII. Three turnons.
3. A well-proportioned body. I could say plenty of things about specific physical features, but what matters most is that they fit nicely together, as women can look good in plenty of different ways. For example, I’d say that I prefer straight or slightly curly hair that reaches halfway down the back, or even the waist if healthy enough, but slightly shorter hair, likely caught in a ponytail, is what fits other features that’d be described as cute. Or, though until then I said I preferred smaller ones, since Andra I’d certainly say that I prefer large breasts, but only on women that are otherwise rather overweight too, while if the woman’s thin the breasts should be small as well. There’s also some sort of ratio between height, weight and the cuteness of the facial features. There are many factors and it’s hard to explain, but I know it when I see it. Pretty eyes and really white skin are always a plus, but I’ll say those things matter less when it actually comes to sex. But, well, regardless of any of this, let’s just say that things rise to the occasion instantly if I see a woman with a body similar to Andra’s when we first met.
2. A pretty high libido, confidence in your sexual abilities and a desire to take charge. Each of these things can become way too much for me past a certain level, so let me explain: Don’t be anything like a nymphomaniac, but do want somewhat more sex than would be considered “normal”. Don’t get cocky or think you’re some sort of sexual master, but unless I somehow complain don’t hesitate and don’t worry about your “performance” either. And I do have some noticeable submissive tendencies and really like to please, but have an even stronger need to rebel against authority, so initiate sex often, sort of lead the sex act most of the time and guide me towards pleasing you better, but don’t even think of actually ordering or forcing me to do something!
1. Emotional bonding and intimacy. The physical turnoffs I mentioned ruin any such attraction instantly, but if they’re not present then this is pretty much the only real rule: The closer I feel to a girl emotionally, the more attracted I am to her sexually as well, regardless of anything else.

IX. Two things you want to do before you die.
I actually made such a list of things to do before I die once, several years ago, though it didn’t include the major goals. It had eight things on it and I did three since. The other five looked at least somewhat possible at the time, but now they’re all basically impossible. Either way, since this asks for just two things, I’ll list the major goals instead.
2. Do something relevant towards creating the changes I want to see in the world. Something that’d help drastically reduce the number of babies being born is an absolutely necessary condition, but far from sufficient. Either way, I wouldn’t want the general public to know I was the one who did those things, especially if my actions will end up being seen as good, simply because I believe that what matters is what happens, not who does it.
1. Be once again in a solid and comfortable long-term relationship, if possible polyamorous, that would somehow include Andra as well. Lately I seem to be in a process of sort of starting to accept the idea of us being only secondary partners, but the rule remains that I must first somehow end up in some sort of relationship with her once again and only then will there be any chance of me looking into the possibility of having someone else in my life in that way.

X. One confession.
1. Well… For the first time, I really don’t want to die. Don’t think that I found a reason to live, as there hasn’t been one ever since Andra left and there won’t be one as long as things stay as they are from that point of view, but I’ve really been suffering here for far too long and something really needs to happen to make it all have a point, and that’s not particularly likely to happen if I’m dead, is it? Of course, it’s highly unlikely to happen if I’m alive either, so this will just translate into even more suffering and an even greater need for something to happen to change all that. Either way, the fact that I really don’t want to die anymore probably means that I quite likely will in the foreseeable future. That’s how things work for me, isn’t it?

Congratulations if you got this far. It’s the longest post I ever wrote…

2 Comments

  1. Khar says:

    I don’t think I can be friends with anyone who refuses to accept me for who I am.

    December 27, 2010 @ 8:09 PM

  2. Cavalary says:

    How many times have we been through this already? That part about accepting who you are can go both ways, both being about you. As I’d think it should have been obvious since we first talked some 3.5 years ago, I’m not going to change my mind on this any more than you will. (And should I once again ask you who the hell accepts me for who I am?)
    This asked for things I wanted to say to people and obviously actually stating that in so many words was at the top of the list (but, again, don’t think it’s anything anyone was not aware of already, was it?), since otherwise whenever the topic comes up (and it’s about as hard to avoid it with you as it is to avoid the topic of (not) having children with me) and I say anything about it you at best curse me out and then not talk to me for several weeks. Hell, that even happened once when I didn’t mean to say anything about it, but just mentoned something that you thought was supposed to be a jab.
    *sigh* Darn frustrating. And yet I still see you as the most important (personally) person I still keep in touch with. Or should that now be the last person that I considered really important who poofed?

    December 27, 2010 @ 9:28 PM

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