Cav's Place

Should really be writing another protest report, since tomorrow and Monday will add quite a lot more stuff. But I can’t even get myself to take a shit, so I’m sitting here and holding it in while I still can, and that report may get written next week or I may just skip this entire period. Should have probably also used the first part of the day to clean my room a little, but that’s not happening either. And I also should be shaving today if I’ll be trying to go to any protest tomorrow, but I’m so uncertain about that despite the important moment, and I went out without shaving plenty of times. Even yesterday I went to plenty of places to buy a few things, and it’s not like I’m that much worse today than I was then, a day more or less compared to a week.

So I’m just throwing this here, and the one clear thing to say is that I ran again Thursday, adding one more run to the buffer, since winter temperatures are finally going to get here. The time was 48:20, with sector times of 4:24, 5:15, 5:43, 4:33, 5:06, 5:52, 4:33, 5:09, 5:54 and 1:51, making for lap times of 15:22, 15:31 and 15:36. Only meant to stay under 49 minutes again, this being the 20th time in a row I manage that, but even though it was rather windy I also managed to get a fifth in a row under 48:30, and that 5:43 sector three of lap one may even be a new fastest sector three, since I again remembered the exact time and it was 5:42.38 while the current record is listed as 5:42. But, again, there’s little I can do about such uncertainties.

After that run, I went to pick up a cheap thing I ordered, which will be a waste of money if I won’t also get something else to use said item with, and I’m highly uncertain about that other thing, despite it being on my mind for a very long time now. So I’ll feel rotten about it either way, but that’s how it usually goes with purchases anyway. Don’t want to say anything more about it now though; that’d just make it even worse… Maybe.

Speaking of this week’s purchases, first went to what I tend to say is the hypermarket I usually go to, this being Auchan, on Monday, carrying four bags with a total of 30 plastic bottles, many of them small ones, since dad had cleaned up some areas and had thrown plenty of those away, and 11 cans. Two of the cans had been with mushrooms, if I remember correctly, so not the aluminum drink cans the recycling machine that’s there takes, but I just took them along to see whether it’d accept them anyway and left them next to it when it didn’t, along with one beer can which for some reason it also refused to take. Then, with the tickets received for the rest plus a coin, I bought a bread and a few carrots.
Said tickets because I ended up with three, the machine reporting that it was full and handing me a ticket for what it had accepted before that moment twice, at first after only seven bottles, and then after 11 more. Since a cleaner was just passing through the area that first time, I waited for him to return and asked what to do, but he just shrugged and said he had no idea, so I eventually gathered the courage to tell the nearby guard and he called someone, which resulted in someone from a different cleaning firm coming a few minutes later, simply opening the machine without using any key or password or anything else, and just pushing things around a bit before closing it again. So when it happened again I just did the same thing myself, finding that crushed bottles can get stuck and therefore the machine will assume there’s no room for them to fall anymore when that’s not the case, so the fix is to just pull them down by hand and then close it again, which will make it assume it had been emptied and continue.

Also went to grab just a couple of things after Tuesday’s run, taking the other recyclables out then as well. Since I decided to finally name the hypermarkets now after for some reason avoiding it so far, I’ll say that I meant to grab a pack of four pastry products that were on offer from Carrefour and some black radishes, also on offer, from Kaufland. The black radishes were even cheaper than I thought, what should have been the sale price according to the site being listed as normal price and replaced by a new, lower, sale price, so I could get even more for just some coins I had in my pocket, but the pastries required visiting Carrefour twice, since there were none left when I first got there but they had brought more out by the time I returned from Kaufland and had another look.
Sure, there are plenty of sweets around here now, we even still have one last bit of one of the two pumpkin pies my mother apparently made which dad had brought quite some time ago, and now she sent a couple of other things as well, though at least in far smaller quantities, but I just felt like having those pastries, had saved up just enough for them, the discount was good and at least one of the two types in the package doesn’t have any listed ingredients that I’d frown at. So that’s why I had another look, even though it was after 7 PM already and I was worried they won’t make any more in the evening. But these things sell quite quickly when they’re on sale, which I had noticed before as well, so I guess they’re making exceptions, knowing they won’t be left with them overnight.

Speaking of my mother sending sweets, dad just got back from there a bit ago and he brought a pile of doughnuts. Saw a hair coming out of one and it broke when I tried to pull it out, so I cut away that part of it to see whether I’ll find more of it inside, but didn’t at first glance and then dad said he’ll eat it and did just that… Now let’s see how much of all of these things he’ll eat in general and how quickly though, because if he’s aiming to leave me half, some of my half is very likely to spoil and that’ll just get worse if she keeps sending such things. Not that it’s healthy for him to eat so much of these sweet and greasy things anyway, but that’s their problem.
Either way, since I took a break from writing this now, and also finally went to the toilet, meant to make myself some popcorn, just to have something to munch on that’s far less unhealthy. But I gave up on that idea, so I’m just back here, just noticing that I’m leaning heavily to one side in my chair, struggling to even sit, or in fact to even breathe, so down that everything’s too much of an effort that I see no point in making. And too lonely for any of it too.

But I hadn’t finished the part about shopping this week, so I guess I’ll mention yesterday as well, when I went to all three hypermarkets again, to Carrefour again twice, while also quickly checking the closest Mega Image and one other small nearby shop that dad tends to get things from at the start of my route, since he had asked me to buy something for him too and I wanted to check all prices first, despite being quite certain they’ll be significantly cheaper in the hypermarkets. So, after these two nearby stores, I checked prices in Carrefour and Kaufland, getting a bit of that type of food they got Liza addicted to from there, since he also told me to get that and it’s the Kaufland store brand, then went and bought stuff from Auchan, got back to drop all of that off, and went out again to get just one more thing that was on sale in Carrefour. There are a couple of things I wanted to get from Kaufland too, and one more that I’m not sure where from or if I’ll get, but I decided I’ll try again later, even though there is a risk they’ll run out, as it may happen with good offers in Kaufland.

And now I guess I’ll sort of watch a match, so I’ll be finishing this after it, not that there’s any point. And the mouse got back to double clicking so much it was next to unusable Thursday and yesterday, so I have to be very careful with everything I do and I guess get back to the spare one again soon, even though the Kone XTD behaved significantly better today for some reason. This last bit is even more unusual since it wasn’t colder today, it will be starting tomorrow, and what I noticed was that the problem gets significantly worse when it’s warmer, plus that my computer usually acts up when my mental state is particularly poor and, while that makes the fact that the mouse almost suddenly became next to unusable again this week unsurprising, I’m definitely no better today, in fact quite the contrary.

On the topic of that mental state, there is something that’s been worrying me in recent weeks, in addition to the usual issues I mean, and at first I meant to do something about it and failed last Thursday night, actually thought I might have succeeded the following night, briefly noticed after coming back from last Sunday’s protest that things seemed to be going in a good direction but then shortly after that realized I had gotten my hopes up far too early, and I had little reason to think it won’t end up badly since then, before today. Now, however, it seems somewhat different, a clear improvement, but I’m still highly uncertain and will be worrying about it for a long time regardless of what seems to be happening.

Mentioning last Sunday’s protest just now made me realize I hadn’t mentioned it before in this post and I should have, so I’ll just add here that I attended that as well, though I mainly just wandered around and took a bunch of pictures. Since I walked, got there at 6:50 PM, so even later, since the listed time was 6 PM, but that was just when the gendarmes were stopping traffic on some of the roads around the area, so it was easier to cross at least. And I left at 9 PM, walking back as well. Sure had the impression that there had been more than the 15000 participants I saw estimated, some even saying as little as 10000, but I didn’t see higher estimates from credible sources, so I guess that’s how many there actually were.

On the topic of going out, I’d sure rather not, but now that it’s just me and dad, feeling increasingly sick of staying in too. Since he works every other night, at least I have the place all to myself every other night, so I also make myself more stuff to eat then and it works out better, since doing stuff at night is what comes natural to me, but the rest of the time I can’t plan anything. I may be alone but not know for sure just when he’ll be back, or when he’ll leave if he’s here when I wake up, so while I may be alone, I may not start things because I can’t be sure I’ll stay alone until I’ll finish, or I may choose to do one thing because I think he may not leave and then find that he will and I could have done something else, either way leaving me even more frustrated and disappointed of everything. Plus that he annoys me by moving furniture around again as well.
On top of all of that, with dad being as messy as he is and my mother no longer here to clean up after him, it just makes me feel increasingly sick to go to the kitchen or the bathroom. I try to just do what I was doing if I was going there after him when she didn’t manage to clean up in between us, and what I said I’ll do when she left, just quickly cleaning just the things and the spots I’ll be using and ignoring the rest, but doing it every single time, leaving it quite clean after myself every time, and seeing everything back the way it was or worse right away, and mess and crap piling up elsewhere… One more reason to feel even worse when eating, or even when going to the bathroom… And to really, really want to live alone, obviously as long as they’d still usually handle things that require interacting with others, on top of money matters.

May be odd for some, being desperately lonely, with an increasing emphasis on “desperate” lately, but also desperately wanting to at least be alone, but lonely and alone are very different things and being lonely but not alone is clearly the worst of the four possible combinations of the two. It won’t make it better, but at least it won’t be worse than the loneliness itself, and will get rid of the other issues mentioned above and let me plan things, including doing nothing, without worrying about being seen or having to explain anything either. Maybe that will help, or maybe it’ll mean allowing my mental state to get even worse, but maybe someday it’ll mean it’ll get bad enough to end it all, one way or another, though I always was far too much of a coward and the prospect has also been too terribly disappointing for the past ten years or so, as that only really had a point during a certain period after she left and all the time that passed since then just added to the crap that something will need to happen to make up for, and that can’t happen if I’m dead. But it won’t happen while I’m alive either, so who the fuck knows, and who the fuck cares?
You know, being silenced on Patook, learning that I’ve been literally talking to myself, sending and posting into the void, for months, and that I’m blocked from using that place to even try to find someone else to talk to, probably took quite a toll too. But the situation was never good, and lately it’s been bad in other ways as well, the few I’ve been talking to, at least to some extent, getting even more distant, not that any were ever close, or vanishing completely. The desperation even makes it harder to think of trying to find new people to talk to, assuming I’d have a site to use for that again, because things can’t go well when started in such a state, but at the same time it’s bad enough I was even considering OkCupid for that again. Didn’t use it again yet though, just ending up sending a bit of a rant, a tiny part of the maelstrom in my mind, to Alexandra, who of course didn’t really react to it, not that there was anything she could have said or done.
Actually, that rant started with something I didn’t mean to say publicly, but since I admitted it to someone and the announcement, if I may use the term, that triggered the reaction was public… I wonder how crappy it makes me if I felt quite gutted, even physically sick, when Alma posted that she’s in a relationship. I said the nice things and meant them, at least at first glance some things seem right in that “picture” even for my standards, and this also offers a far more understandable and acceptable explanation for how she’s been pretty much ignoring me lately, rarely even having time for a quick reply, but at the same time her previous situation had created a small sliver of similarity and now even that’s gone. Not going to give details because it’s not my story to tell, but to see a decision to not be interested in anyone else in that way, albeit one based on a rather opposite mindset, discarded so quickly, and that any chance of somehow trying to patch things up in any foreseeable future is even more impossible, if I may use that term, just makes me feel even more desperately lonely… Which seems hard to believe is even possible, but things can always get worse and usually do.