Cav's Place

Somebody asked me a few days ago how much can an idealist survive in this world before becoming a disillusioned cynic. I didn’t answer the actual question, saying only that disillusioned cynics can also be useful sometimes. I couldn’t think of a generally applicable answer anyway, but I can answer for myself, and that answer would be: Less than I have, because I already am one.
Somebody else asked rhetorically what will people say at her funeral, and if it won’t be something along the lines of “there goes that strange woman who was beaten by life”. I replied that being beaten by life isn’t always a bad thing, it might just mean refusing to continue a pointless battle and walking away towards things that could actually be worthy of your time. Also that I wouldn’t want a funeral for myself, because I wouldn’t want any of those who feel sorry that I died, considering how things stand now, around, and the others obviously would have no reason to mourn. Just dump me in an unmarked shallow pit and plant a tree on top, thank you very much.

For the past five months or so I have rarely not been at least angry, and during the past month even the moments of being only angry have been rare, usually switching only between furious and murderous. I’m starting to understand those who go on a killing spree with no apparent reason quite well. Yet I can’t even find anything to channel all this anger towards, not even for a destructive purpose. I simply can’t see any point left in thinking, planning or trying when nothing good will ever happen in this world, because we’ve made it work based on rules that don’t leave any room for goodness.
Keep seeing people saying that humans as a whole are actually good, deep inside. Really? Can anybody claiming that bring any evidence to back it up? Keep in mind that we’re talking about humans as a whole, not the few exceptional cases… No, I for one will stick to what I said before, that humans as a whole are nothing but selfish, violent morons, and unfortunately can back this claim up all too well in too many ways, not the least of which being talking about myself.

There was a poll on Care 2 recently, asking whether our society is too tolerant of harmful behaviors or too intolerant of behaviors that aren’t really harmful. At the time I’m writing this, most people say that it’s too tolerant, but I’d certainly feel the need for a “both” option. It not only tolerates, but actually encourages all sorts of thoughts and actions that make life itself intolerable, while discriminating against most of the differences that could make it interesting and useful.
I just find no point in even writing about this, it’ll never help anybody anyway. Those who desire wealth and power will always be the ones who get it, and they certainly don’t desire it out of the kindness of their hearts, which means that they won’t use it to help others over themselves. Also, the majority usually doesn’t care and is generally just plain dumb, or at best uninformed, and therefore easily manipulable, not that they could be trusted to make the right decision for all even if they wouldn’t be manipulated. No method of government can work well, and people can’t govern themselves, so trying to do anything good with people is like trying to herd cats…

I planned that “if I were a god” post after initially thinking that it was going to be “if I ruled the world”, but then realizing that I’d need godlike powers to have any chance in doing what needs to be done. Yet I didn’t write it because I couldn’t be bothered to smite those who need to be smitten if I could do it, mainly because others just like them would take their place again and again, no matter how many times I’d do it, and that people won’t change anyway. As for creating anything, that’d be even more hopeless, since anything good would be destroyed, or at least perverted.
It may be why we’re not seeing any obvious evidence pointing to the presence of such powerful entities anymore, even the best of them got bored of waiting for us to grow up, especially after noticing that we’ll be destroying this world well before we’ll even realize that we’re doing it. I’m talking about humanity as a whole again, of course, not about the few who actually see what’s going on.
No, if I were a god I’d be inclined to just wipe out all of humankind right now, but unfortunately I couldn’t even do that. Not that it’d be too much work, but because we’ve done so much harm to this world that, while the world itself will recover after we’ll be gone, many of the other species we’re currently sharing it with will not… And it’s so hopeless, knowing that we’re the only ones who can reverse this process, yet will never do it.

Most people think that anything that makes them need to think less is good, so trying to make them use their brains is a lost battle from the start. And that wouldn’t be bad as long as those who act this way will be the only ones dealing with the consequences, but they unfortunately affect all of us, and the whole world. Actually, they seem to affect the world first and those who still fight the good fight second, leaving the actual culprits to deal with the least amount of the consequences stemming from their actions.
So much for karma, isn’t it? Those who don’t care how many dead bodies they step over to reach their goals have it best, while the only reward for the others is becoming those dead bodies, and usually, unfortunately, not literally. If there’s any justice in the world, it’s either not bothering with us or has already been defeated by us.

That said, what’s the point anymore? Is there any, in anything? Is there any in even giving up? I’m at a point where I’d be willing to just say fuck it and go to my own world, leaving those left to live in this one to do they wish. But I don’t have that option, do I? There’s nowhere to run, and even if we’ll take to the stars and colonize other worlds, life there will have the same rules, since we’ll still be rotten to the core.
I was about to say that this is it, the ramblings of a strange, disillusioned cynic beaten by life, but writing this just made me realize something: Life didn’t beat me, mankind did, and there’s no shame in that. Who am I to challenge mankind, who rose above all?
So congratulations mankind, you’ve beaten justice, the world and even life itself. Come on, just a bit longer and you’ll even triumph over death. But, you see, there is a catch: You destroy everything you triumph over, so you’ll be left with no world to inhabit, no life to live and, by then, not even a death to find peace in. So, again, congratulations mankind, congratulations for heading towards your absolute victory: The state of being nothing, spending an eternal moment in a chaotic nowhere, alone, with only your inner demons keeping you company. Maybe then you’ll finally realize what you’re doing, but it’ll be too late. Not for you who’re doing this, you’re not worthy of caring for anyway, but too late for all the others you’re destroying…
Look out mankind: The higher you are, the harder you fall, and you have this tendency of tripping over your own feet. Oh yes, and recognizing defeat is sometimes only a way to regroup and attack again even stronger.