Forever…
Look, I’ve been trying not to post things like this here and even managed not to lately. It’s been nearly a month since the last one… But I think of nothing else… Don’t expect any coherence… Don’t even read this… No idea what to say first, or at all, but it doesn’t matter anyway…
I was asking back then if it would prove anything if I’ll still be here in five years, still feeling the same. Wonder if anybody heard me and is now trying to hold me to my word. Feeling the same isn’t the problem, actually anything but that would be impossible, but still being here and in a state where I would still be aware of it, is. And, even if I’ll will be, think anything will happen then? Next Saturday it will be two years since she kicked me out of the room… Oh yeah, two down, three to go, but towards what? All it’s getting is worse…
Needing to obsess over something to be able to do anything sucks. Especially since that doesn’t mean anything, since I make mental links from anything and everything… Or can go nearly a full day fully focused on whatever my momentary obsession is and then let my thoughts pause for a moment, even if just because I’m realizing how focused I’ve been on this one silly thing and wondering at it for a second, and crumble completely, because my mind needs no more than that to go where it knows its place is… And what’s the point of doing anything like this anyway, only focusing on silly, meaningless things that happen to catch my attention at the time instead on something actually important, if I need to focus on one thing so badly anyway? Yet that just won’t work…
I’ve loved, but I still do, just the same, if not even more. The only difference is that now my love is not returned anymore, but I’ve known that feeling before. The greater difference is that I’ve lived, for the first time in my life I was truly alive and, something I never believed possible, I actually wanted to be alive. But now I no longer am, I’m just stuck in a prison, undead…
Pacing about, unable to sit still, but unable to do anything else. Listening to music that now sounds like so much noise, as it can’t be strong enough to have meaning anymore, yet unable to stand the quiet. Lying in bed, unable to sleep, yet unable to get up. Numb, yet painfully aware. Following my thoughts wherever they want to go, knowing they’ll fail me again, yet unable to resist. Falling into daydreams that are like so many stabs in my heart when I finally “wake up” and realize for the thousandth time that they’re but dreams while this nightmare is reality. Keep feeling the stabs, yet never really dying, just no longer living. Feeling murderous, yet not even having the energy to go on a mental killing spree, getting sucked up into moral dilemmas about who would be a fair kill and why. Feeling like a worthless piece of shit splattered all over the road, getting in everybody’s way, yet sometimes feeling that those who could never love as I do are getting in mine. Imagining countless scenarios of my own death, wishing for it, yet knowing that I don’t actually want it, as that would mean really no chance left of getting back what I had.
Stop asking, even if only yourselves, when will I get over it and just listen to the answer: Never! This is what I am, what I feel defines me more than anything I could ever do or think. For all who try to give me such “good advice”, and even to those who only think it: Bless you and curse you to love like I love her. Bless and curse you to be chained by your feelings, unfading, unwavering, unyelding, tearing your very soul apart, yet also holding it together like nothing else, crushing you constantly, yet also being the one thing holding you up in face of all problems, killing you, yet also making you feel most alive. Maybe then you’ll be able to understand. But wish you’ll never truly understand. Nobody should ever be where I am now, feel what I feel now. As much as I hate you for saying or thinking that I shouldn’t feel what I do, I could never wish for you to understand how it is, as that would require experiencing it and nobody deserves this. No, wish you’ll feel what I feel for her and that the one you’ll feel it for will feel the same for you, that you will be able to stay together and that, maybe, someday you’ll come to me and say that you now understand what I felt, though still not what I feel. But, really, I wish that, by the time you’ll say that, I’ll also be feeling the same thing again, and that she also will for me…
Once again, the first part of what I was trying, and failing, to say the last time I saw her: “I said it before and I’ll say it again, I gave you a life. From the very first kiss, all I am has been and will always be yours.”
My promises are forever…
