Cav's Place

The number of words I needed to have when I reached exactly four years of daily writing so the average won’t drop below 250 per day was clear and I managed to make that, but only barely, with no more than a few to spare, so after that point I had to actually write that much to maintain it at that level. As expected, seeing as I was at almost 263 in the middle of September and it’s only been going down ever since, that only lasted for a few days and last night I couldn’t do it anymore… And under these circumstances it’s not going to be something temporary that I’ll be recovering from, and either way I don’t know why I still struggle with it other than because it’s a routine I got stuck in and perhaps also as another way to punish myself.
Needless to say, the editing mentioned last week wasn’t a sign of starting to do that again either, as I haven’t continued since. Haven’t submitted anything else on MobyGames either, those books I was meaning to add to Goodreads are still waiting for me the same way they have been for close to three months now, still haven’t played anything again since around the start of the month, and I didn’t even manage to get that tooth fixed because I just couldn’t hold anything together anymore and ran out while being made to wait despite having an appointment and also being told to fill some forms I definitely didn’t want to fill.
I do seem to be watching some movies as of two days ago, which is definitely odd for me, but otherwise I just keep adding to the reasons behind the panic attacks, so everything’s getting worse with each passing day. But, of course, as a recent conversation once again pointed out, if I’d actually want to die I’d have killed myself long ago, so the problem is that there are certain things I need that obviously won’t happen if I’m dead, but which just as obviously won’t happen if I’m alive either. In other words, what’s keeping me here is also what’s holding me down.