Keep in mind that I’m writing this post after getting little over four hours of sleep in four straight days and while trying to recover from being thoroughly fucked up. Also, after working just fine for over a week after I switched to manual settings, my Internet access had issues again this morning and it is Saturday, so I wrote a paragraph that pretty much said these things right after waking up and scheduled it to be posted at 11:59 PM if the problems will repeat themselves in the evening and I won’t be able to post this in time, seeing as I haven’t posted anything else so far this week.
The lack of sleep had no particular reason Wednesday morning, as I simply found myself waking up multiple times and having a hard time getting back to sleep, eventually getting out of bed at what is a relatively normal time for me but after only getting a total of about five hours of sleep, five and a half at most, and rather bad sleep at that. Then there were protests Thursday and today, with the listed times being 11 AM and 12 PM, respectively, and getting up two hours before that meant getting only about three and, respectively, four hours of sleep, and Thursday evening I was only able to nap for less than an hour. As for yesterday, I wanted to go buy some things and preferred to be there early, so while I didn’t set an alarm I woke up after about four and a half hours of sleep and went out.
The part about being thoroughly fucked up is a different matter and started when, after Thursday’s event, I passed a second time through the University Square Christmas fair and noticed that the guy selling honey at good prices was still there. I only had 35 RON on me and a large jar, containing 800 grams, was between 20 and 30, so stocking up was not an option and I didn’t even look too much, as he was greeting me and asking what I wanted, which made me quickly walk away both times I tried, but I wanted to go back if I could get a large enough sum from my parents. After all, they seem to be using a fair amount, I occasionally use some as well, and it’d be a good idea to get some straight from a local producer and support them this way, especially when the price is also good.
Dad had gotten five kilograms from a beekeeper I think in 2013, though I’m not sure anymore, but those finished earlier this year and since then he started buying the sort of crap that has a label saying “blended honey from within and outside the EU”, or in other words “we don’t know exactly what it is or where it’s from, but we’re selling it to you anyway”. So I’ve been muttering some things about that and eventually bought a jar of honey made in Romania and certified bio (organic), which was quite expensive, and after that he bought two that at least weren’t imported anymore, but they were still more expensive than buying from this guy now.
Either way, after that I stopped by a hypermarket and spent most of what I had on a few things and making a mental note to go back quickly because one thing was significantly cheaper than elsewhere and I was about to finish stocking up. Then, though I had to piss by the time I finished shopping there, I didn’t go to the toilet and walked for another hour in that state, made worse by the fact that I had multiple layers of clothing on me and that actually made the belt feel tight. At one point I actually unbuckled it and for the last few minutes I even partially unbuttoned my pants, since none of that could be seen under the jacket and I needed all the help I could offer myself, but perhaps this need to focus on not pissing myself and the fact that I walked for some 20 more minutes in that state just for this attempt made me manage to go to a confectionery and buy a cake I had been thinking of trying to buy for a while, as the previous attempts failed when I just turned around and left.
Since I had already interacted with someone directly, I was in a rather poor state that evening, when I wrote dad a message, explaining the situation with the honey, plus the other thing I still needed some money for, and also mentioning I may try some other things as well if I’ll have enough, and pretty much asking for as much as he can spare. This message ended up much longer than necessary and quite certainly increasingly twisted and confused as it continued, since the topic of money puts me in an awful state, being something that should exist and that I’m trying to advocate against and therefore creating this mix of terrible embarrassment, raw rage and a fair amount of panic when I have to use them myself in such a deliberate manner, plus that telling people that I’ll try something that scares me, which in this case was interacting with that guy to buy the honey, only adds to the pressure and makes it even worse.
All of this meant I was already falling apart that night, when I took the amount he had left for me and his metro card, since he wasn’t going to use it the next day. It did somewhat help that the amount was less than the minimum I had mentioned in my message, since it still allowed me to buy a decent quantity but perhaps not draw quite so much attention and ruled out going anywhere else after that, except to the hypermarket mentioned above to grab just what I was missing, so the plan for the day got simpler and there was no room left for any questions about attempting other interactions. Not that there was much chance of that anyway…
And this post is also falling apart now that I try to write about it, but let me say that I got there again Friday, looked at the large jars and saw that there was no benefit in terms of price, costing exactly twice as much as the small ones, which contained half the quantity, and then tried to figure out how much to buy. The guy was nice, pointing out that he has some honey in plastic bottles as well, for slightly less, and asking whether I wanted to taste a little, but that meant he was paying attention to me specifically and talking to me, so I was looking anywhere but in his direction and pretending to count my money and search through my pockets for my bag as I was struggling to stop myself from running away long enough for my mind to be able to find enough “processing power” through all the panic to tell me how much I should ask for.
Was already confused when I did ask for three large jars of polyfloral honey and one of acacia honey, as while saying that last part I was pointing towards the linden one and calculating the total based on the price of the one next to it, which was some rarer and more expensive type I can’t remember now. Then that only got worse when the guy suddenly pulled a large plastic bottle from behind the counter and advised me to buy the polyfloral one like that instead, informing me that the bottle contains 2.85 kilograms and costs 65 RON, then giving me a flash test in basic mathematics that was actually rather difficult when my mind was in that state, asking how many large jars that means and how much would those cost if bought separately.
Seeing that I was highly uncertain, he said I’m free to weigh the bottle somewhere if I think he’s trying to trick me, as there were plenty of other people at the fair who had scales, or he can sell me the tree jars I asked for, but I’d be the one losing out, getting them for 60 RON while like this I can get just over three and a half for 65. And he was, of course, right, so I agreed, though it was hours later that I realized I should have perhaps asked for a large bottle of acacia honey instead, since it doesn’t crystallize, if it was an option, and then perhaps add a small jar of polyfloral to that, but at that moment I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and in fact I still thought the acacia one cost 30 RON for a large jar instead of 25, so my calculations were wrong and the option would have seemed unaffordable even if I would have thought of it.
He also said his number is on the label and to call him if I have anything to ask, as he talks to anyone interested in his products, and also that I’ll be able to find him there until the fair ends on the 27th if I want to buy any more, but I just smiled, nodded and fled, shaking and sweating all over despite the cold. Did weigh the bottle before leaving the fair, however, verifying that it actually weighed as much as it said on the label, and then checked at home as well, also when the honey was poured into jars, which makes me feel quite bad, since he was nice and helpful and this shows distrust on my part, but I guess I needed to make sure I didn’t have another reason to feel bad about the whole thing.
After that, I went to the hypermarket and grabbed the one thing I still needed and a few others that were also particularly cheap and I could still afford with the little money I had left, then got back and after a little while ate quite a lot… Which was a bad idea, knowing how my digestive system reacts to panic and also considering the fact that we’re talking about a large salad, a can of fish in tomato sauce and two boiled eggs, and the salad and the tomato sauce obviously only made matters worse, so soon enough I was nauseous and clutching my stomach as cramps kept getting worse. Fortunately, it didn’t last long, as it seemed that my body was happy to just get everything out the other end, partially undigested, so after that happened it was all right, the only issue being that I pretty much ate only to quickly waste a good part of that food in that manner. Probably still less bad than throwing up though.
The state I was in otherwise didn’t go away quite so quickly though. It actually isn’t completely gone even now, but last evening, and also Thursday night, I was thoroughly fucked up, just needing to cry and, of course, not being able to, having a hard time thinking of anything, unable to even tell anyone why, as in unable to write it all out, which I guess only made it worse. Only managed to send a message that I guess was still terribly messed up but nevertheless detailed last night, and now I’m writing this, so I’m calming down significantly, but I’m definitely not doing that again too soon.
Otherwise, I played a little more Tropico 4, but only finished the fifth mission today, so it will take a long time. Also, should be reading another book soon, since I had set a goal of 12 on Goodreads for this year, as in one per month, and I’m at 11. Interestingly, I just won one, this being the second time that happens there, but highly doubt that will arrive in time, so I’ll have to resort to one of the Kindle ones I grabbed when they were free if I’m to make sure I’ll reach that goal… And I’m strongly leaning towards Heiress of Magic, as in the sequel to the first book I won there, though Sonya was saying I’ll probably think it’s worse and, knowing that it’s far more confined and focused on romance, I’d tend to agree, so we’re both somewhat wary of the prospect, knowing I’ll review it once I’m done and hold nothing back.
And this once again ended up being far too long, and probably also included things that shouldn’t have been written, but at least I could write and also post it. So let me end it now by mentioning that I managed to run again this week as well, though the temperature was uncomfortable and I also had to carry my jacket in my hand while running, since I wore it on the way there and back. Still, the time was 21:10, with intermediate times of 4:33, 10:01 and 16:23, respectively, so not too bad. Remains to be seen whether I’ll try again next week or not, though the forecast for Monday may just allow it, in similar conditions.