When the Hope of Having Anything to Hope for Fades
We just started talking today, she said something about herself that bothered me and we ended up talking about all the things that changed about her since she left, and her listing them… Actually, she said just two things now, but I guess they were the icing on the cake, what made me put everything together…
Almost everything I appreciated about her is gone, but the bad things are still there… Told her as much and she said she takes me saying she changed into somebody I’d hate to have around as a compliment… That stung… Though, now that I think about it, it might have simply meant something she told me before, that she likes being told she’s very different from the one that left here, because she was unhappy with who she was then and now finally became somebody she actually likes being, so people noticing the differences, whether they like them or not, prove to her that she’s no longer the person she wants to put behind her.
The thing is that it doesn’t change a damned thing in what I’m feeling, just makes me realize there’s no hope even in hoping. Even if I’d have my wish come true I’d just exchange one hell with another… One that would also offer happy moments, one worth going into even without the happy moments, just to be around her, but still hell overall… It means there could never be anybody at all out there for me, if she ended up like everyone else too. (Whoever feels offended by me saying that probably should be.)
And before anybody will say how this proves that I’ve been loving nothing but an old image of hers, I say again that this doesn’t change a damned thing in what I’m feeling. I still love her, I still want to be with her, I’d still do anything for her, I still don’t want anyone else around me, I still can’t have any sort of life without her… Just makes me realize I’d be unhappy with the new her too… Certainly nowhere near as unhappy as I’m without her, but still…
This was basically the moment in really hit me that everything is lost forever and there can never be even a shred of hope of anything ever going even just a tiny little bit in the right direction for me in any way, shape or form, in any area of my life…
Yeah, happy new year…
