Change, Evolution and People Growing Apart
I was just thinking about how so many say that people change and evolve and it’d be really sad if they stayed the same. I firmly disagree with that, I think that if you change who you appear to be then either who you were before was nothing but a mask or who you are now is the mask. Or, of course, it’s quite likely that they both are masks, and also likely that you’re not even aware of it because you don’t actually know who you really are, and that’s the sad thing…
Yes, of course you can become aware of options you haven’t been aware of before and form opinions about them at that moment, that’s not an actual change though it can also sometimes cause problems, but anything other than that usually spells trouble… When you are aware of an option, have an opinion about it and then change that opinion, letting the change carry over into your daily life, those who are close to you will usually be affected, and in a bad way more often than not.
As for evolving, I think you need to stop and smell the roses more often than not. Putting too much energy into moving forward won’t leave you any to connect with what, or who, is around you.
I find it depressing to see how many people put going forward above anything else without even knowing what their destination really is. Any debate about whether the journey is more important than the destination or not is pointless when so many are hardly aware of the journey while at the same time not really knowing the destination either.
When it comes to relationships, because that’s what I’m getting at, you keep hearing about “growing apart”, people “evolving” into different directions, or at different rates, and therefore no longer being able to stay together. I find that really sad and think it shouldn’t be happening. And it wouldn’t be happening if people would know themselves better and stick to who they are regardless of circumstances, because then it’d mean that if things worked well once they’ll keep working equally well in the future. Yet people are selfish and put “I” above “we” infuriatingly often…
Imagine two (or more, but two is certainly enough to illustrate the point) people in a relationship as two motorists in a city. They start at the same time, from the same place, and drive alongside each other for a while. This is the time when they both are who they appeared to be at the start of the relationship.
But then what happens when one puts their need for rapid personal advancement, even without any changes, above their need for their partner? You have one motorist accelerating while the other one doesn’t, making the two grow more and more distant and eventually lose sight of each other altogether. Even if you stop the comparison here, at both of them driving along the same straight road, you see that, if each chooses their speed according to their own desires instead of correlating it with that of their partner, it’s very improbable that they’ll stay alongside each other for very long.
Knowing that, try also adding change into the mix. Imagine that one of the motorists wonders which way to take at every intersection, whether they should keep going forward or take a turn, and that if they think it’s better to take a turn they’ll actually do it. The moment they’ll take the first turn they’ll no longer be driving on the same road as the other motorist. And granted that if both of them take turns there is a small chance that they’ll decide to take the same ones for a while, but what are the odds of them deciding, more or less independently, to take the same turns all the time? I don’t know about you, but it looks completely impossible to me.
You have the changes made because the person wants them, those made because they feel they have no other choice, and those made because the situation appears to demand it. And when you put all of these together you have to wonder how come there are any relationships that work out at all…
My answer to that? I think many don’t really work even when they seem to, the people are simply stuck together for one reason or another, which is sad. Or, also often, one loves and needs the other more and therefore tries to keep up at all costs in order to keep the relationship going, which is equally sad. But there are also a select few who do it right, and I only wish more people would learn from them…
When you put “I” above “we” you’ll end up walking a long and lonely road all by yourself. And there’s always choice, we only say there’s no choice to comfort ourselves with the choice we have already made. As for situations that demand change, this world has maddeningly many people with high self monitoring, chameleons who are more worried about who they should be than who they really are, and depressingly few with low self monitoring, people who know themselves and will stand up for who they really are regardless of situation.
That said, I think the right thing to do is to keep your speed in check so you’ll always be alongside each other, plan together any turns you want to take ahead of time, and, for fuck’s sake, stop when you find a place you both (or all) like.
Putting your need for change or personal advancement ahead of your relationship is only a good thing if you also have a desperate need to walk that path in loneliness, or at least a strange need to be in unhappy relationships all the time…
