Cav's Place

Cracked just enough two nights ago to send someone I more recently started talking to, and very recently at length, a message saying I was having another moment of wondering how the heck didn’t I snap already. Or, of course, not really wondering, because I know the reason is that I’m too much of a coward and that takes balls. But if I wouldn’t have been such a coward I’d have killed myself back when Andra left, or after she returned to Romania and kicked me out of there, or at least within a reasonable amount of time after that, or perhaps even before meeting her in the first place, so I’d have never ended up snapping anyway, meaning that probably an even bigger reason is that I still am, and always was, too sane for this. And getting the reply that my brain knows snapping is not safe and has protections against it for that reason only confirmed that, as snapping isn’t supposed to be safe, it’s supposed to mean going out with a bang, so if those protections still function it means the whole thing is far from being far enough gone, that I am, probably unfortunately, far from sufficiently insane. Definitely unfortunately in case of being too much of a coward though.

Was also saying in that message that I’m thinking it’s the little things that make people snap more than the big issues. It’s one thing when you see the world going in what for you is the wrong direction and can find no place for you in it, but when little things pile up, when the stuff that really affects your daily life, specifically, is going in the wrong direction as well, when what you thought was actually working, or at least should be, gets turned around, when even some you thought were on the same side, or should be, push you and your views away, when you find yourself kicked out even from your hiding places, be they physical or mental, and when those hiding places themselves shrink or even completely vanish… That feels like something not only personal enough but also small enough for you to actually need to do something about, and to be able to do so. And when nothing reasonable, nothing safe, nothing that can be rationally seen as ethical or in some way acceptable, seems to work… But, again, that requires both balls and insanity.

And now that, due to all the snooping and monitoring, I got this, and myself, on various radars, or became a brighter spot on them, since I probably was there to some extent already, I’ll be adding the whole thing as well, because last evening I cracked a little further and sent that same person a huge message with a number of the recent issues, bigger and smaller, that got me to send that message the night before. And now I’m awake early anyway, after just a few hours of sleep, woken up the first time around 8:30 AM, probably by the noise dad made, then again less than 20 minutes later, after going to the bathroom and somehow actually managing to fall back to sleep that quickly, when the UPS started beeping since there was no power for a few minutes. Not that this will be posted early, since I’ll be editing that message a fair amount and maybe doing some other things and well, on and off, but since I stayed awake since then and my mind’s still there, not even having slept on it, as they say, enough to make a difference…

I actually started by telling her about that mess with Alma, but since I already mentioned that in a previous post, I won’t copy that part here as well. I will say that it’s not just that she posted such a message and has such views against not “earning your living” in particular, but that a whole lot do, including activists and so on. And I guess I should also mention that I wrote that it happened last week instead of two weeks ago, and that was after correcting myself, since I had started writing that it all happened over the past few days. Just another sign showing how overwhelmed and threatened I feel by all of this, I guess.
Then I got to the more recent things, continuing with the fact that I saw another post shared by Alma, this time about neutering cats. I didn’t comment there or say anything to her, but commented at length on the page it was originally from, also saving that message, as I did with the exchange about needing to “earn a living” and universal basic income as a momentary solution, hoping that at least one will become a blog post once translated and edited, though that doesn’t seem likely. Got a lengthy reply, but with the same old arguments, so just another reminder of how those who actually do love animals and make so many efforts for them end up genuinely believing that an abuse at least as bad as others that are banned or should be, such as devocalization, declawing, cropping ears or docking tails, and possibly worse considering the magnitude of the changes it causes in the organism, is not only acceptable but actually desirable, a good thing, and they legitimize and justify and perpetrate it on such a scale, wanting to even force everyone to do it. That’s the main reason why I stay well away from any movements or events for animals, and tend to oppose those on that side just as much as I oppose the fuckers who’d have them killed or held in dreadful conditions, or who just don’t give a damn that it’s happening.
But those were rather big things, and this latter one didn’t even actually affect me, and I was saying it’s the smaller things that directly affect one’s life, specifically, that likely make it worse. Such as the fact that there’s another discussion on the GOG forums after they released a card pack for GWENT, the discussion starting from microtransactions and of course quickly getting to GOG‘s general direction for at least the past three and a half years, if not for the past five and a half, and how there are just a handful left who keep arguing that they should have stuck to their principles, the main issue for me being the regional pricing thing, against those who just look at it from the business perspective and what sells and what has to happen because the market dictates it… Because the vast majority don’t give a damn about any of it, which is why the market dictates that way, because those just go along with what the big guys at the top want.
And then there’s Emsisoft‘s move, deciding to drop its Internet Security product and incorporate some basic controls for Windows Firewall in the basic Anti-Malware. In itself, that won’t affect me unless it’ll break compatibility with Comodo Firewall, since I was already using just their Anti-Malware, but the problem is the entire reasoning and speech, that the Windows Firewall is supposedly all anyone needs, firewalls being pointless otherwise, and this coming after they had dropped all other related functions from their products over the past couple of years, first removing HIPS, then dropping their Online Armor product, which was considered the other awesome firewall in the industry while it existed, more or less on par with Comodo‘s. And the discussion in the comments of the release announcement had me and basically one other person saying there are some people who still want control and monitoring, not just basic security and trusting programs to make decisions for them and just block malicious stuff, but letting us see what’s going on and decide for ourselves, with prompts and complex rules to be set if desired for every damn little thing, while the rest were saying we’re just a few lone rangers that nobody should care about, that nobody needs that stuff, which is just why it’s being dropped from security suites and why dedicated firewall software is vanishing completely, so good luck finding some other solution if you want it but it doesn’t matter, and you don’t matter, anyway. And after all I went through to find some security solution that seemed to still be sufficiently different from the rest, which had become intolerable and which keep going ever further in that wrong direction, having Emsisoft do the same is quite a perfect example of what I was saying.
Then there’s just the generic stuff about Windows, which I’m reminded of whenever the month’s patches approach or, for that matter, whenever I check AskWoody, with Microsoft still forcing its new direction on everyone, with the snooping and the forced updates, controlling and monitoring systems more and more and allowing users to do so less and less, plus the focus on mobile and on-line stuff, while those sticking to desktops, to older versions of Windows or other software, and even those sticking to the manual security-only updates, to avoid those other changes as much as they can, are being discarded more and more even by those who initially seemed to be on the same side, being seen as on the losing side and just needing to accept that this is how things are and how they’ll keep going… Or switch to Linux… Which is a problem due to stuff not working and security solutions not really being available, because you have the Linux user mindset stating that they’re not needed. Firewalls even more so, as I very clearly saw while using Linux for those few weeks about a year ago, when searching for an application-level firewall just led to banging my head against walls, largely just finding discussions where one person was asking for one and everyone else was telling them they don’t need it. Well, even if I don’t, it can even be said that I don’t absolutely “need” a computer either, not to just survive. But I want it, and there are some others who do too, so it should be readily available somewhere.
Then there was this thing with banks and cards, our Prime Minister saying a surprisingly good thing, about not putting his money in banks nor wanting to use cards, taking his pay in cash and purchasing with cash, and everybody lashing out against that, including all activists and groups, from all sides this time. Though they do so wrongly, pointing out what makes getting and holding jobs hard and how more jobs should be created, which again makes me oppose both sides just as much and find no room for myself, at least the leftists I know keep pushing back against the attack on NEETs and those on welfare, but on this issue everybody is on the same side, wondering how can anybody still want cash in this day and age, pushing for fully electronic payments, for everything done with a smartphone, which is another thing I don’t want to use, and I’m sitting here and thinking that must never happen and I’ll have none of it, not as long as money will still exist. The fact that they do and the economy is based on them being, of course, the other, and bigger, issue.
And, not that there were any recent discussions about these things, but since I’m in my room and on-line and on the topic of places to hide being taken away and things going in the wrong direction, was just reminding myself of the whole matter of insulating the building, since it’s been done for many others in the area and there keep being talks, everybody wanting ours done too, and I’m terrified by the prospect, spending several months, even over a year, as it was for this building next to mine, with scaffolding all around, workers possibly at the window at any moment and a lot of noise from morning to evening when in the morning I go to sleep! What the fuck am I going to do if that happens? And the materials and workmanship are crap and cause more problems than they solve, and it’d also mean problems with the network I’m in. Still desperate to stay in one of these networks of course, to not end up at RDS or one of the other big companies, and there is a cable going down from the top of the building, and insulation would mean something’d need to be done about that and no idea what or how or what it’d mean. And, to get to that issue in particular as well, there has of course been this drive against these networks in full force for several years now, the few remaining all withdrawing in their shells, just holding on to small areas, no longer hoping for more than to survive a bit longer, just to delay a demise seen as inevitable in the face of the three big players.
And, to get back to big issues, need I mention where any mention of population control, overpopulation or antinatalism goes? And that was brought to the forefront again now because our Minister of Labor and Social Justice made a comment regarding the decision to cap the benefits given to parents on maternity or paternity leave, stating that they could have made the cap much lower or even not offer any at all. Now I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way, but what she actually said was a good thing for once, but once again everybody on all sides is lashing out at just that. Even saw mocking messages saying that maybe parents should be taxed and those without children should be getting money, because they save the state money, and actually even describing how that’d work and why, making some of the right arguments, but all of it as a mockery, everyone bashing the ideas while I’m sitting here and thinking that’s exactly what should happen, at least as a first step, though of course nothing short of the full bans on breeding could ever be anywhere near enough. But no room for that anywhere…

So… Big things and little things, everything going wrong, everybody against what’d be right, whether it’s about things that should apply to all or about simply allowing me the option of making certain personal choices, and nowhere to run or hide. The world sucks and it’s not getting better in the ways that matter, I can’t even hide on my computer because things are going firmly and quickly in the opposite direction of what I want here too, it’s the same situation on-line in general as well, a time will probably come when I may not even be able to physically hide in my room, then if I go out and perhaps try to buy something, that may also soon become a problem, and I hate using money and purchasing things anyway. And… Think that paints a pretty clear picture…

At the end of that message, was again asking how come I didn’t snap yet, considering all of that and the lack of any motivation to really do anything, the fact that I’m not with her to say I’d have any personal life worth anything, and that I have no real hope to create a sufficiently significant desired change, at whatever level, but only constant and entirely justified fear of things getting even worse. Was told I can probably take much, much more, because people are built that way, and I’m more or less insulated from the world anyway, so all those things are rather external, my life not actually being on the line with any degree of true urgency, so that’s probably why I’m not snapping yet. But, while there is also some truth in that, I’ll stick to my explanations for it, too much of a coward and still too sane. Or maybe “not sufficiently insane” would be a better way to put it.
Was also told I’m not snapping because I’m not truly suicidal, but just very frustrated, which is correct. However, that reply continued with stating that I’m dealing with normal human existential problems, which I take issue with. I mean, to get back to an earlier part of the reply as well, I guess I can take more of this, but I most definitely shouldn’t, nor should anyone. And if this frustration and these existential problems would be “normal”, in the sense of the norm, of applying to most people, then we wouldn’t be here. But plenty agree with what’s going on in some way or another, most don’t care either way, or at least not enough to even consider doing anything about it, and most of those who disagree and initially care eventually stop themselves from doing so and “adapt”, making things ever worse for those who haven’t given up… And who haven’t yet snapped, for one reason or another.