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Twelve…

Had thought of adding a few more words to the title this time around, had a slightly different one in mind, but there’s little point in that, or in anything else for that matter. I’m just adding the usual post, at the usual time, now actually writing it at night and posting just then instead of writing it earlier and scheduling it to be posted at 4 AM, so there won’t be much here. Not that there’s much to say after 12 years, other than the fact that nothing changed from where I’m standing, in what I need and want and feel… A few things changed in what I fear, as that only keeps getting worse, but even those changes took place over the first few years, as since then it’s mainly a matter of the risks increasing due to more time passing.
Then again, other than the fact that the date marked ten years since she left, it was no different two years ago either, but what I wrote then sure was quite a post. And last year’s seems just about right too, if obviously nothing like that one the year before. And I was writing that in quite unusual circumstances too, being quite a mess for a number of reasons, while now the situation at least seems stable at this particular moment.

Reading last year’s post and the memories mentioned there… Of course that night is imprinted in my memory, don’t even need to close my eyes to see those moments again, but… I’d much rather alternate between memories of better times, imagining how some other moments could have gone better and, most often, imagining good moments in a future in which the miracle would have happened… Or simply in a future, as that’s the only one worth thinking about, or more exactly the only one I can think about with anything other than sheer terror and despair.

Yes, I’m also thinking about doing something stupid again, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, it’s not something that has to do with tonight, and there are at least two ways to go about it, one likely much less stupid than the other. Won’t do it tonight, but I might at some point over the next month or so, which also means I really can’t do any other stupid thing that has to do with her before then, not if I want that to have even the tiniest sliver of a chance to get anywhere.

There would be other things to say about the past few days, but I won’t let this post become a personal update, even though I’m planning to attend some events over the next few days as well, the first two of them actually taking place this evening, and that means there will be even more to say when I finally will get around to it, which I guess will be next week. But let’s see how well I’ll manage to go there and stay first, especially today.

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