Cav's Place

Exactly two years ago I was on my way back here, after being kicked out of there after she got back the first time. It hurts as if it happened only two days ago… The time spent here since then feels like two lifetimes… And it could have been different this time, something good might be happening. But it’s not, and it’d be so easy to say it’d be different if she’d have acted differently, but it was me who really fucked up.
She did something that was bound to make me crack, but I should have stopped at just that thing, not press further again. I’m not saying I could have stopped, I couldn’t, but I should have… She said it’s ok, but she got distant again after that. Of course, I can’t be sure it was because of that, there are several other possible reasons, but the result’s the same.
And when she was already distant I did it again. Not cracking or snapping, nothing meant in any way to bother, simply speaking my mind as I always do and saying the wrong thing as I so often do. Nothing actually happened then, no “event” that could be blamed for triggering it, but a week of silence followed, a week during which I had a certain thing she said to me a while back run through my mind time and time again, hurting more and more each time. I don’t think the result was avoidable, don’t think I could have done things differently, but I certainly should have…
Last Friday, after spending a couple of hours in bed, tormented by what she said, I came to the computer intent on saying something about it. But then, before writing that mail, I checked to see if she left me any message in reply to a brief one I had sent her earlier. Oddly enough, she had, but it was anything but nice and that broke my floodgates for good. The result was a long e-mail that started from what I meant to say but went everywhere else as well. Said everything I feel for her in just so many words once again and then pretty much lashed out at her from all sides. How she acts, what she did, what she didn’t do… Partly about me, but this part was mainly about their relationship. Turning the tables, after generally supporting her through all of this, and telling her quite harshly what I think she did wrong and what she keeps doing wrong, what’s her part of the problem. I wasn’t even really sure what I wrote when I sent it, I just let it all out and sent, only working up the courage to read through it the next day.
The result? Not a single word, but I’m not seeing her on Yahoo! Messenger anymore and I’m thinking she has me on ignore. He was invisible that night and the next day as well, which makes me remember how I went invisible for him when she was telling me she’s ignoring him. He stopped hiding from me the second day after, which was after I sent her a mail asking why’s she hiding and saying there’s no point in him hiding as well because I’m too angry at him because of the last thing he did to talk to him anyway, but she probably had my e-mail blocked as well and that was just a coincidence.
Now I sent her two mails from other addresses already and more are likely to follow, but they sound so stupid. Nothing I could say… It’s pointless to ask how she is or how things are going because she’s obviously not going to answer, pointless to say any more regarding what I wrote in that mail… And I’m not sorry for what I said, so I can’t say that I am either. Not that there’s any reason to believe she’d even open an e-mail coming from me when she means to ignore me, so what I write in them doesn’t matter anyway.
In a way I’m proud of making it so far, I thought something like this would happen much sooner… But that doesn’t make any difference, does it? Sooner or later, the result’s the same… And right now I’m at a complete loss. Talking to her again, at least to some extent, and then losing her all over again…
Somebody is certainly having a lot of fun at my expense… And since I know I’m too much of a coward for anything more, I think I have another date with my knife tonight. Surprised I made it this far without doing that again, actually.