Cav's Place

While some details have certainly changed since then and minor adjustments might still be made in the future, the basics of this have stayed the same since I first managed to know what I wanted well enough to put it into words, more than ten years ago. And just to make something clear from the start, I only get along with girls so that’s why I’ll always write “her” or “she” here.
The basic “rule” is simple: I want people that I’d be extremely close to, not casual friends, and they’d need to be very few in order for me to be able to offer each of them the time and attention they deserve. The number I’m talking about is four, each should fill a very specific role in my life and I of course should fill the same one in theirs. Of course I won’t reject contact with others after these “slots” would be filled, but anybody else would not exactly be a high priority for me and I might not be able to offer them the time and attention they need.

In the basic form, assuming a monogamous relationship, those roles would be one significant other, one best friend and two good friends, with the second good friend being optional, for lack of a better term, as in it’d be nice to have her as well but I wouldn’t feel a real need for her to exist in my life. But the details might change, sometimes quite drastically, if I’d be involved in a polyamorous relationship, which is something I have always considered.
If I’d have one primary partner and one secondary partner, then my secondary partner would ideally fill the best friend “slot” and we’d be something along the lines of “best friends with benefits”: Our respective primary relationships would always come first, our friendship second and our relationship third, but still before anything else in our lives. This is actually what I consider the ideal scenario, out of all the possible ones. However, I think it’s theoretically possible for one of my good friends to be my secondary partner and my best friend to just be my best friend, but I think that situation would be very hard to manage, considering how I define “best friend”. Or there could be two secondary partners, one being my best friend and the other my close friend, in which case there would be no second close friend as in that scenario I don’t see myself capable of offering a fourth person the time and attention she deserves. Still, having a good friend as a secondary partner would result in a weak relationship either way, as the friendship should always take precedence over the relationship in case of a secondary partner for me and, since there would already be several things taking precedence over that, the relationship would likely only consist of some occasional sex, squeezed in between other plans likely involving other people.
But things would change even more if I’d be in a relationship with two girls where none would take precedence over the other, technically having two primary partners. If I’d be their only partner I’m well aware that I’d be stretched thin by just the two of them if I were to offer enough time and attention to each, so no other important person would exist in my life and I might get to feel a desperate need for a best friend, seeing as none of them could fill that role. As much as most men dream of such a scenario, I’m quite aware that I wouldn’t be too happy in it. But that could all change if the network making up said relationship would be “closed”, the two of them having another relationship as well so I wouldn’t be the one fulfilling all their needs. Whether they’d be bisexual and have that relationship with each other or they’d have another partner, whether the same one for both of them or a different one for each, it doesn’t much matter as long as the resulting relationship would be stable. In such a case I could manage to have a best friend as well, and she’d only be a best friend since I really don’t see myself as managing a relationship with two primary partners and one secondary partner. I can see things working out quite well like this. Of course, having two significant others and one best friend completely rules out the possibility of a fourth important person in my life under any circumstances.

I won’t write anything about how I’d define my significant other and how our relationship should be because when you truly love someone what matters is to just be with them, not how they are. And I truly love Andra… And I won’t be in any way happy without her, which makes all of this pointless to write, but when memories and dreams are all you have you might as well go for the really good ones. I might at some point write a post about how my ideal girlfriend would be, just as an exercise of imagination, but not now.

One thing I want to make very clear is that my best friend is not the friend I get along with the best. There are some very specific requirements that need to be met before I’ll consider truly calling somebody my best friend and there has only ever been one person who met them, and that didn’t last long.
Actually, the fact that it only lasted a few months and the reasons it ended like it did show how difficult it is to be as close as I want my best friend and me to be and not edge towards becoming more than friends, which is why I said the best possible scenario would be having my significant other, namely Andra since I won’t consider anyone else, as my primary partner and my best friend as my secondary, in a polyamorous relationship. But I’m not saying it’s not possible to be this close and still just friends, as the way things turned out back then was certainly heavily influenced by the fact that she was unhappy with her boyfriend and I hadn’t met Andra yet.
Now to get to how I define a best friend. The first thing to mention is that we’d treat each other as second only to our respective significant others, or primary partners, as the case may be, nobody and nothing else being more important. We’d always be there for each other, always make time regardless of what’s going on in our lives. We should tell each other and discuss absolutely everything, especially the sensitive, private or otherwise important details. We should know each other at least as well as we’d know ourselves, if not even better. We should pay special attention to each other’s relationships and we should always get involved when the other has problems, doing all we can to fix them at all costs. We should agree on all key issues and most other important ones as well, but some disagreements would make things more interesting since she’d have to like debates as much as I do and not hold grudges.
We should chat or exchange e-mails daily, the missed days being very rare, only when it’d be completely impossible to contact each other. Since I hate phones I’d rather we wouldn’t use that as a means of contact unless other means would be unavailable. She should live nearby so we could meet once or twice per week, and when we meet we should spend at least a few hours together, perhaps even most of the day if it’d be only once per week. When we do meet like this, it would have to be just the two of us and in private locations, preferably either at my place or at hers when we’re alone. It might be nice to even spend a full day or even more together now and then, if our living arrangements would permit it.
Don’t take this to mean we’d keep any secrets from our respective significant others or primary partners. Yes, we’d hug and cuddle a lot even if we’d be just friends, I for one need such physical contact in order to really feel close to somebody, but we certainly wouldn’t hide it and we wouldn’t let ourselves get carried away and do more without the approval of our respective significant others or primary partners. We’d tell them all we talked about and all we did if they’d want to know, but the need to be alone with my best friend when we’d meet is caused by needing to concentrate all the direct contact required by such a close relationship into just a few hours per week. Intimacy would help a lot and any distractions might cause problems, so that’s the real reason.
This could all be changed if we’d live together, of course, as my best friend would have to be a person I would like to live with, even if we’d be just friends. Then communication would be far easier and contact would be spread over a far longer period of time, the need for complete intimacy being somewhat reduced. It would still exist, but it might often take the form of only needing a few minutes to talk alone in a room now and then. The problem is that the only scenario where it’s likely for us to be able to live together while being just friends would require neither of us having a significant other at the time, which would make staying just friends extremely difficult, which in turn would cause serious problems since I never want to do anything like that without Andra being involved. So it’s probably an impossible scenario either way, but I listed it just in case.
In case we’d be more than friends, her also being my secondary partner, everything written above still applies but we would also do some more things together. Our talks would certainly get more sexual, though talking about our respective sex lives and occasionally even flirting would be important parts of our conversations even if we’d be just friends. There would also be more going on when we’d meet, things going well past hugs and cuddling, but staying within the boundaries agreed upon with our respective primary partners. Otherwise, there would also be some more subtle changes in our attitude towards each other, we’d get even closer and consider each other’s wishes even more when making plans for the future. In this scenario it would also be possible to live together, though her primary partner would of course also need to live with us, so there would be certain things to work out but in the end it might be the best possible scenario.
I doubt mere words can really express how close I want me and a potential best friend to be, so this description certainly doesn’t do it justice, but you can probably get the idea, in case anybody is reading this. And if words can’t express this, I wonder how I’m going to try expressing how close me and my significant other, or primary partner, should be, in case I’ll ever write that post about the ideal girlfriend.

As for the close friends, if I’d have two of them then at least one should be from abroad, our communication being limited to chatting and e-mailing. We might try to meet a few times, just to see how we get along in person as well, but it wouldn’t be a requirement and I think that meeting more than once per year would actually be a bad idea. Still, when and if we’d meet we’d spend a few days together to make up for the lost time.
The other one, the “main” one, for lack of a better term, or the only good friend in case there would be only one, would be somebody I could see more often, but most of the time we would stick to chatting and e-mailing as well. Of course we wouldn’t see each other nearly as often as I’d see my best friend. I’m thinking about meeting perhaps once or twice per month, maybe even less, so she could very well be from another city or perhaps even from another country if she would afford to travel that much. There would certainly be a need for intimacy when we would meet, we would also hug and cuddle, but not nearly as much as with my best friend and perhaps not even as much as with my “second” good friend, if I’d have one, due to there being far less time for direct contact in that case. But meeting at all, while really nice, isn’t an absolute requirement in case of a good friend if I’d also have a significant other and a best friend.
We would chat or exchange e-mails on most days and share a lot with each other. We wouldn’t hide anything from each other, though we might not volunteer every little detail. That wouldn’t be because we wouldn’t want to tell each other those things, we would if asked, but perhaps simply because we wouldn’t think of it unless asked. Our respective significant others and best friends, and sometimes even some other personal issues, would take precedence, but we wouldn’t let things like work or school or family members make us grow distant. Still, we would do our best to be there for each other whenever needed for any reason and pay special attention to each other’s relationships, helping in any way we can in case of problems.
She wouldn’t need to be a person I’d actually want to live with and we wouldn’t even need to agree on so many things as long as she wouldn’t hold grudges because of it. We’d still need to see eye to eye on the key issues, of course, but disagreements on the others wouldn’t be a problem. It’d be far more important for her to like and know how to debate and even argue, such disagreements potentially making things interesting.
As I said above, having a good friend as a secondary partner would create a weak relationship and it’s not something I’d be too keen on trying. Perhaps an on-line relationship is more likely, that could be stronger, but in “real life” I doubt anything more than adding a little sex now and then, staying within the boundaries agreed upon with our respective primary partners, could happen. But that applies if at least one of us would have an actual best friend, according to my definition, as the relationship could develop nicely if neither of us would have one. But two relationships and no real best friend could result in a rather unhappy me, so that might not work either.

I guess that’s pretty much it, and congratulations are in order for anybody who reached this far. Maybe I should also mention that right now I don’t have anybody who would fit into any of these categories. No offense… Sure wish I had…