Cav's Place

And here I am, picking up from where I left off and reaching the final part, after she met him. Painful to think of, but I do it a lot and it’s the part I tell people about most often. But that’s not the point here, I’m not telling the story, I’m only posting “images”, moments frozen in time…

Her being giddy after chatting with him for the first time, wondering what’s happening with her and where is this heading.
Next day, her asking me how can she fall in love with someone else while still being in love with me. Me explaining the idea of polyamory again, which caused her to just stare at me for a moment, then say she knew I was for this but, despite all I kept saying, always assumed I only saw it as being acceptable for others and perhaps myself, but not that I’d accept sharing her. Sad that after all that time she still hadn’t realized I don’t have double standards.
She was giving me oral after I had given her some. I was just about done when we heard the key in the lock. She rushed to close the door to our room while I wrapped myself in the blankets. Her mom called her as soon as she got in, so she threw something on and left me like that, rushing to get dressed as well. After a while she came back, sat on the edge of the bed, called me over and told me to pull down my pants. I did, she said to be done quickly and went at it hard and fast. It was over in about 20 seconds (though afterwards she said she thought it was about one minute and that I took too long since she had told her mom she’ll only need a moment because she was in the middle of something, which was perfectly true actually). She then wiped her mouth while swallowing several times so there won’t be visible traces left, then rushed back to continue the talk with her mom.
Lying in bed together, discussing him, their plans to meet and my terms. Her saying she’s not sure anything sexual will happen and that she wants me around at all times so she’ll be able to rush to me if she realizes she only thinks she wants anything to do with him.
She was starting to do oral to me, stopped and said she wants to ask something. I ask what, but she shakes her head and says she changed her mind. I insist, she says that if she’ll say it she probably won’t want to continue anymore. I say I’ll take my chances and she says she was wondering how would it be to film this. At first I’m shocked since she had opposed the idea so vehemently until then that I had given up on it completely, but then we talk about it for a while and decide to do it.
The first red flag, when she told me he asked her why do I have to know about it. I just said “because I do”. It wasn’t a red flag concerning her, so I let it slide.
Her buying some new panties and asking me to take some pictures of her in them to send to him. Me asking her to let me take a few pictures of her naked in return, something she had never allowed me to do before. Eventually she agreed, but was edgy about the angles and even more so about having her face show. She saw the results, didn’t like how they turned out and had me take an equal number of pictures while she actually posed, apparently throwing insecurities aside.
While she was getting ready to leave for the training camp and I was struggling to cope with the thought of not being together for three weeks. Looking pointedly at me and saying he’s quite jealous and a little bothered by the idea of sharing her, but accepts it because he already knows her well enough to know she’ll always choose against anyone who makes her choose. I look oddly at her and say I never even thought of making her choose between me and him. She says she wasn’t talking about that, but about making her choose between me and what she has to do for her future career.
The phone talks while she was away, about one hour each and that being only because I was cutting them short, thinking of the bills. The way she kept saying she can’t take it anymore and, as fun as that training camp is, she just wants to hop on a train and be back with me as soon as possible.
Walking around the room one night, thinking about how will this work out. Being both excited by the possibility of actually walking my talk about polyamory and scared at the same time (I think it’s the first time I admit this). Praying for guidance.
Talking on the phone with her after he had to cancel the plans to meet after she got back from the training camp. Her anger and determination to call everything off and never even speak with him again.
The day she got back. Me rushing down as her mom was still parking the car, her climbing out, pulling me around the corner and kissing me hard. I think this should be here but it could also belong in the previous post because I’m not sure if this happened after the camp was over or after she went to Bucharest to apply for it.
The first time we had sex after she got back. She was on the computer verifying the contact information she had from the people she met there and chatting with them while I was feeling more than a little left out. All of a sudden she got up, came next to me in bed and said “come on”. I pulled her panties aside, got my cock out and we went at it without any kind of preparation, kissing furiously. After a little while she stopped for a moment to pull her panties down, I also tried to pull my pants down but didn’t quite manage in time so they were left clinging to one of my legs. After she had her orgasm I asked where does she want me to come and she said on her belly. I moved inside her a few more times, stopped, started again, stopped again and then restarted and kept a slow and steady pace for a minute or so. It probably made her think I wanted to come inside of her. She put a hand on my face and looked right into my eyes, very reassuringly. Eventually I pulled out and did what she said, of course.
Three days after she came back, when she decided to talk to him again, thinking she’ll only do it to let him know just how angry she is. 30 minutes later all was forgiven and they were making plans again, but he was trying to get her to go to him and she was refusing vehemently.
Her wanting to film ourselves having sex too. Then, a few days later, to also film me giving her oral. This latter movie was quickly deleted because all you could see was the back of my head. (She also deleted the one of us having sex, later, after she kicked me out of the room, saying she didn’t like how she looked in it.)
A common friend coming over to spend a couple of days with us while Andra’s mom was away. Picking her up from the train station under a pouring rain. Getting home and discussing the whole situation while drying ourselves.
Putting on an episode of a (supposed) reality show from Playboy we were recording because said friend had said she was curious, but she was already struggling to stay awake so she fell asleep while watching it. Andra then went to the computer to talk to him and I eventually got in bed next to said friend intending to go to sleep. Bubu stared at me, stared at Andra, stared at our friend, walked around a little and then, with the feline equivalent of a shrug, went to sleep in his usual place between us. We had a laugh about that afterwards, saying that it seems that as long as he has a “daddy” and a “mommy” he doesn’t much care who they are.
Around dawn Andra wanted to go to sleep and the initial plan was for me to go to the living room and sleep on the couch there. But then she came with me, we stretched out the couch and she was feeling “playful”. We kept listening carefully in case our friend woke up, since the living room doors had windows and hardly stayed closed anyway, the slightest touch would open them.
The first major red flag. Completely out of the blue, she says she doesn’t need to keep doing things for me just because I’m allowing her to do things with him if they’ll meet, she’s thankful for it but if I wouldn’t have allowed it she’d have kicked me out immediately and done whatever she wanted anyway. I ask where did that come from and she starts laughing and says she has no idea. Made me think though, especially about the part where she said she does things for me because I’m allowing this. She was obviously doing lots of things that she kept refusing until then and being way more attentive towards me, but I thought that was because meeting him and actually considering something like this made her open up more, not because she was feeling guilty.
Her mom coming through our room to get something while she was chatting with him and he had his webcam on (luckily only showing his face). Her mom stopped, turned around and asked who that is. She just said “some guy” while I was biting my lips not to laugh.
Another red flag, I think it was the very next day. I was playing Knights of the Old Republic II and all of a sudden she says she’s actually considering going to England to him and, if things work out, staying there for some six months or so until she can arrange for me to come live with them, assuming I’ll have all the required papers ready by then. I casually ask what happens if I don’t want to live in England. She snaps at me, saying that in that case I can do whatever the hell I please, but he can’t move to Romania so that’s the only way. I turn around and just stare at her. She lowers her eyes and shrugs.
I think it was that night, but it might have been the night before. She came to me saying she’s horny and wants me to take her from behind. Now for some reason I could never last for any remotely reasonable length of time while doing it doggy style and that time was no different. I meant to go again after I came but she said she can manage by herself and had me lie next to her while she masturbated, looking away from me.
The next time we had sex, which was also the last time before she kicked me out of the room. He had just masturbated for her on the webcam or something, not exactly sure what, I was reading a book, and she just rushed to me, threw her clothes off and said she needs me inside her that very second. I ask if that’s his effect on her and she says “what do you think?”. Wanted it from behind again and the result was the same as before. She got up right after I was done, went to the computer to tell him what she did and that she’s going back for “round two” and did just that. Still wanted it from behind, but because I had just had an orgasm I was hardly feeling anything so I had no problem keeping a solid rhythm for quite some time. After a couple of minutes she asked if I’m even feeling anything, I said I’m feeling being inside her and that I thought the whole point was for her to feel more this time. After this she was visibly distraught and it didn’t exactly go well.
I think it was just a few hours later. Something was obviously bothering her and I pressed until she eventually gave in. She asked me to sit down with her and, looking down, trying to cover her face and struggling to find the words, she eventually managed to say that the last two times we had sex she was imagining I was him and that’s why she wanted it from behind, then kept saying she can’t understand how can that happen since she still loves me. (Later she said it was also because she started to cry when she couldn’t keep up the illusion anymore and didn’t want me to see.) I hugged her and we talked about it very openly, or at least that’s what I thought.
I think it was the next day (and I’m sure it was just four days after that friend left). She had seemed lost in thought earlier, but in the evening when I woke up from a nap she immediately came to me to give me a hug and a kiss and things were looking great.
I went to watch a match on TV, came back when she was going to bed and shortly afterwards she started complaining that my typing is keeping her up, then yelled at Bubu for making noise too, then at me again, then got up and hit me hard over the head with her towel. I just reacted to being hit, got up and pushed her violently away. She “growled” a “be very careful, you just hit me”, but I had already calmed down and was able to very calmly say that she hit me first. She started laughing hysterically, said “fine, then we’re even” and went to take a bath.
She came back after well over one hour in the bathroom and seemed to be in a murderous mood. I tried to find out what really happened but she wouldn’t say anything. Eventually she snapped at me that she doesn’t have enough space and is too stressed for this and I’m not even letting her use the computer enough. I reply that I let her on whenever she wants and always have, she says “I want to use it now and it’s not free, is it?” and I get up and let her on.
I spend some time in the kitchen, she comes to grab something to eat, I try to hug her but she just stands there, arms limp, so I sigh and let her go. Then she goes back to our room and closes the door. I wait I little longer and then try to go in. As soon as I open the door she yells at me to get out and stay out, so I go to her brother’s old room and curl up in a ball on an armchair, on top of a big pile of clothes.
Eventually I try again to get back in our room. Knock on the door, she asks what do I need, I open the door and ask if I can come in again and she firmly says no. I ask when will she let me back in and she quietly says she doesn’t know. I ask why did she kick me out and she angrily tells me to leave her alone. I ask what am I supposed to do now and she looks down, plays with her fingers, shakes her head and very quietly says “I don’t know, just please give me some time, please”. You could hear the tears in her voice.
For those three weeks she wouldn’t let me in the room with her while she was awake, but did let me come and use the computer after she went to bed or when she was taking a bath. I’d try to get things done on the computer as quickly as possible so I could crawl next to her in bed afterwards and just be close to her. Crying, caressing her, asking why… If I managed to fall asleep before she woke up, sometimes she’d let me sleep there. Other times she’d turn on the music or a movie very loudly to get me out. I’d always gently brush my hand against her on my way out, sometimes briefly hugged her too. If I was up and looking like I was feeling, namely absolutely devastated and going insane, chewing my fingers or pulling my hair or other such things, she’d just ignore me completely.
Three tormenting days after being kicked out, the common friend I mentioned earlier convinced her to stop ignoring me, so for quite some time we were exchanging e-mails. We were leaving messages for each other, discussing it like that. At first she was absolutely furious, accusing me of anything and everything she could think of. Eventually she admitted that she had forced herself to dig up everything that could make her hate me because loving two people at the same time is simply too much for her, she needed to push one away and didn’t have a history with him to find enough bad moments in, so the only way was to make herself hate me.
Bubu needed to be rushed to the vet. I obviously meant to go along and Andra couldn’t say no because she didn’t want to have to explain what’s going on to her mom, who was driving. Just looking at her and touching her fingers with mine as we were both trying to comfort him.
A few days before the end of that terrible period something seemed to be changing. She came to me in the living room to say she has to go to the post office. I asked if she’d like me to go with her but she refused. A little later she came to tell me that she broke her glasses. Then an e-mail from her said she finds that she went from barely managing not to kill me to tolerating my presence without too much effort.
Thinking things might be settling down and also because she was sometimes leaving the door open now, I was coming to talk to her whenever I had anything to say and as long as I wouldn’t actually enter the room she seemed fine with it. Apparently I was assuming too much, because she closed the door once and I immediately went there and knocked. She yelled at me to wait a moment, then asked what was it. I said I thought we were over hiding from each other and she said I thought wrong and closed the door again.
Exactly three weeks after she kicked me out. She went to take a bath and told me to go to the computer if I want since she’ll go to bed just after she gets out. I got on the computer while she was still in the room, but then went to the bathroom, just in case she’ll take a long time. When I came back I saw that she had sent him a “fuck you” from my account. I tried explaining that it wasn’t me and asked him what did he do to her. He didn’t reply.
When she came out of the bathroom I asked her what happened and she asked what did he tell me. I said he didn’t say anything, then proceeded to press her for answers. Eventually we ended up in bed together and we talked for a long time. First about their current problem, then about them in general, about her plans (the day she kicked me out she had decided to go see him), about us and how she sees my future, everything…
At some point the talk turned sour and I couldn’t take that kind of treatment anymore. I turned around, said “just think about what I’m doing” and started crying. She fussed with the blankets for several minutes, then wrapped her arms around me. I turned my head and we kissed, crying our eyes out and her repeating that she’s sorry over and over.
A little later I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back she asked me to guess what did she do while I was gone. I tried a few things and she said all were wrong. While doing that I brushed my fingers against her hips by accident and didn’t feel anything there. I didn’t think much of it, so I just tried a few more things, but she said they were all wrong again. Then, not thinking it could in any way be true but running out of options, I said “you took off your panties”. She smiled and showed me.
After masturbating her for a while, I got my head down there. As soon as I did that she started crying and told me to stop. She managed to say that she really tried, but just can’t bring herself to do anything with anyone but him anymore.
A few hours later, already morning. She was kissing me again, getting on top of me, trying to get my cock out… I was pushing her off, telling her she doesn’t really want this and that she’ll feel really bad if we do it. She said she has gone far enough to feel really bad afterwards anyway and asked if I didn’t want it too. I shouted “what I want is to spend my entire life with you, not just fuck you one more time” and she said “we’ll see”.
She seemed to have given up, but not entirely. We were lying next to each other, tired after the struggle. I was gently caressing her and she was looking at me and asked in a very hurt voice if she doesn’t attract me anymore while she pulled her t-shirt up to reveal her breasts for a moment. I couldn’t hold back anymore, so I jumped on her and entered her immediately. She gasped, held on to me tightly and then said “with your pants still on?”. Don’t know how she thought I would have managed that…
We just stood like that for quite some time. I couldn’t really move because I hadn’t even masturbated during those three weeks, so it would have been over very quickly. Eventually she started fingering herself and told me to just stay inside like I told her I wanted to (in one of those e-mails). I had second thoughts and tried to stop it several times, but she was clinging on to me desperately and begging me not to. Eventually she came and then so did I, on her belly. She completely let herself go during her orgasm and then said it was the best she ever had. I think it was the same for me.
After we caught our breath I asked her not to cut me off again. She looked at me for one long moment, then said “you know me so well, that was just what I wanted to do”. A moment later she added “fine, I’ll try, but don’t be surprised if I’ll crack again, I make no guarantees, it could even be tomorrow”.
She sent him an SMS to let him know about what happened and ask if that changes anything. He replied to say it doesn’t. She then said she wants him to have all the details but she can’t bring herself to write about it, so she asked me to do it. I did, she read it, told me to add a few more things, I did and then she sent him the result.
The only other time we tried anything sexual before she left. We were in bed together and she pressed against me. I asked if she expects me to try going to sleep like that or wants me to try to change her mind (after we had sex she let me back in our room and we’d hug and kiss, but she had said no more sex). She said she doesn’t know, so I tried the “changing her mind” part. She seemed quite wild after a while, moaning gently and trying to masturbate. I was pushing her hands away, she kept trying to put them back and was obviously getting extremely frustrated. When I thought she was where I wanted her to be I asked what did she want me to do. She froze, stared at me and started crying. I tried to give her oral but she stopped me and said she can’t handle this. At first she really wanted to do it with me but after I got her really worked up she slipped into her fantasy again and imagined I was him, so when I spoke that fantasy shattered and she just couldn’t go on anymore.
Chatting with her while she was in Bucharest, getting the required papers. Her sending me the pictures she had taken of herself for him and also telling me about the other things they did and their plans.
The morning she left. She was going crazy with the luggage and I was doing my best not to collapse before she was out the door (did that by reading a book, was one of the hardest things I ever did). A moment when she asked me to try on some clothes she wanted to give him.
The final moment. Her mother (who thought she was just going to visit a friend) was going crazy, trying to make sure everything was where it needed to be and telling me to check various things. I was just standing in the middle of the hallway, crying my eyes out and completely unable to move. Andra came to me, took my hands in hers and kissed me passionately. Then she said we’ll see each other in about a month (that was the original plan), turned around and went out the door.
I was out on the balcony, looking after her and contemplating jumping. Her mom rushed back in, telling me to find Andra’s jacket because it’s not in the car. I managed to go to the door, but that was it, I couldn’t do anything but cry. She found it and went out. The moment she opened the door I meant to run out, get to Andra and beg her not to go, on my knees, in the middle of the street, at 4 AM. I couldn’t move. I didn’t. (She later said it would have made no difference.)

There are some things I could say about the time after she left, but I won’t make another post for those. For now they’re irrelevant, because they’re not really “flashes”. There’s only one that really is, and I’ll add it here:
She had been there for over a month already, changed the date of her return flight to stay one more month. Then, one day, she asked me to check if it’d be cheaper for me to call her or for her to call me. I did and told her it’d be cheaper if she calls me and she did. She was crying and saying she locked herself in a room and doesn’t know what to do anymore. I panic, thinking he abused her or who knows what, but eventually she calms down enough to explain that she read a conversation he had with another woman. He was saying he wants to be with that other woman as soon that could happen, which due to very objective reasons was not for another two and a half years or so, and that Andra is just somebody he spends time with until then. She asked me what to do, then said “don’t answer that, I know what you’ll say”. I said “no, I won’t say that, I’ll say think things through and do what you feel is the right thing to do”. Considering where I am right now, you know what she chose… The same thing I’d have chosen if I were in her shoes… (The same thing regarding him at least, I wouldn’t have dumped me…)

If the previous posts turned out to be more than intended because I also included flashes I got while writing about the ones I’m usually getting, this one was even more than that. It’s almost the entire story… What I always do when my mind goes there, tell everything… 49 “images” to cover two months and one week (plus one that happened later), three more than those covering the 21 months of living together before she met him. These “images” are also far more detailed than the rest.
If you look at it, it seems so logical. The signs were there and it seems so obvious that this is how it was going to turn out. But I see nothing I could have done to keep her, all other options seem to have resulted in even worse outcomes. I blame myself for all of this but can’t figure out what I should have done, which makes me blame myself even more. There’s just too much pain…

She’ll probably be quite angry if she’ll ever see this posted publicly, but it’s my story. I actually think it’s way more my story than hers, because mine it still is while hers it only was.
On the other hand, it’s the first time I post the story (or significant parts of it at least) here. I guess people thought I posted the whole thing a long time ago, but no, this is it…