My Future
Despite knowing that it’s a very dangerous thing to do, I couldn’t help myself and thought about my future these days. The conclusion was the one that should be obvious to anyone with a functional brain, namely that the only thing my future holds is moping around here, undead, until dad either retires, becomes ill or dies, at which point I’ll starve to death.
That is, of course, unless something that’s completely out of my hands and nothing short of a miracle happens, namely that I’ll somehow end up with Andra before that day comes. That’s the only thing I can hope for, though even so being happy seems out of the question, considering how I realized she had changed during that time we talked at the end of 2007 and start of this year. It’s just that it’d be far better to be unhappy with her than depressed without her. Plus that if I’d be unhappy then I’d at least know that it’s due to getting what I wanted, so I’m to blame for it. I guess you know things are really bad when you wish you could at least be unhappy due to your own choices instead of because of the actions (or inaction) of others or because of things that just happen.
Or, since there are always at least three choices, I could just die before either of those things could happen. Would have been a blessing some time ago, but now I’m certain that if that would happen it’d be after what would afterwards be described as “a long and terrible suffering”, which would likely begin just when something would be starting to go well, so I could be fucked over by death just as much as I am by life.
That should give you an idea about my current frame of mind and why I haven’t exactly been writing anything here in quite some time. It’s hard enough to get myself going even in my “normal” state. Not that my “normal” state is any good, but it’s not quite this bad.
