Day 1174
I saw a question in a survey once which has been on my mind ever since. It asked if you have suffered longer than the relationship lasted. In this desperate attempt to at least find milestones in the future since there’s nothing to live for but I’m too much of a coward to do what needs to be done, it became sort of a goal for me, to make it far enough to be able to answer “yes” to that question. Now I have…
At least I hope my calculations are right. Not that a day more or a day less would matter that much… Still, I took some time two days ago, while I was lying in bed after waking up after only some three and a half hours of sleep, to determine it exactly, since an initial approximate calculation, made at the time I saw that question, said that moment would come on December 12th, 2008. It would appear that I was only wrong by one day.
That first kiss was on July 12th, 2002. It happened around 11 PM, but that was our anniversary so I’ll start from that day. From July 12th, 2002 to July 11th, 2005 there are three years, one of which a leap year. That means 1096 days.
Despite other days appearing better suited for this, I’ll consider the day she left, September 27th, 2005, as the day she broke up with me and the first day of suffering, especially since she left around 4 AM. From July 12th to September 11th there are two months. Since both July and August have 31 days, that means there are 62 days. That brings the total to 1158 days.
From the 12th to the 26th there are 15 days. That means we were together for a total of 1173 days.
From September 27th, 2005 to September 26th, 2008 there are three years, one of which a leap year. Once again, 1096 days.
From September 27th to November 26th there are two months, but only 61 days since September has only 30 days. That means I need to add one more day, November 27th, to get to the 62 days of the two months taken into account above. (I assume this is where I went wrong when I tried to approximate the date the first time.) That makes 1158 days.
From November 28th to December 12th there are 15 days. That brings the total to 1173 days.
That means the next day, today, December 13th, 2008, is the day I can answer “yes” to that question. Of course, a person who has been in a relationship for just one week and got over it ten days later could say the same thing and hardly mean anything by it. Still, I wanted to make it this far.
I didn’t dare hope we’d be together again before this day, not even about a year ago, when we were talking again, so the option of not reaching this day due to a happy event did not exist. Of course, I could have died before this day, but knowing that I don’t have the courage to kill myself that meant it had to happen due to a disease or an accident, which would have most likely meant added suffering for some time, so that wasn’t desirable. Besides, since I couldn’t do it when I should have, I might as well try to stick around for as long as there is still a theoretical chance.
Speaking of that theoretical chance, from my point of view it still exists as long as no children are involved. She changed her mind about wanting to be with me once, so it is at least theoretically possible that someday she’ll do so again, though I truly hope she won’t hurt someone else in order to do that as she hurt me the first time around. However, I will not change my mind about children. I clearly consider human overpopulation as the worst problem this world is facing and therefore see having children under these circumstances as the worst crime possible and do not want anything to do with anyone who commits it, and Andra’d be no exception. I also include adoption or simply caring full time for other people’s children here, because knowing that these options exist encourages some to have children even if they know they couldn’t care for them. (I make an exception for children whose parents and grandparents have died or are incapacitated due to severe illness, but I’d still hate what they represent so I wouldn’t want to be around them myself. I think they have enough problems without me sending bad energy their way, albeit not on purpose.) So I just hope that’ll never be the case…
Actually, I hope it’ll never be the case but fear that it will, or already is. Some of the things she said when we last talked made me worry less about this, but others had quite the opposite effect. This is why I find myself wanting to hear from her, or at least of her, again, but at the same time fearing that moment. It’s absolutely the only thing which could and certainly would make me not want to be with her again, but it wouldn’t change what I feel and it wouldn’t make me look for anyone else either. I said my promises are forever and that won’t change. This means that, if children would end up being involved at some point, there wouldn’t even be a theoretical chance left of anything good ever happening in this life of mine.
This is probably what kept me from sending something to Dave for the past few weeks. Feeling absolutely awful and just needed to throw something their way, and since it’s quite obvious she has me on ignore I felt it had to go to him. Of course, he could have me on ignore just as well, but I don’t know that. It wouldn’t have been something bad or angry, I just needed to say something about how I’m feeling…
Last night I did it… I’ve been struggling really hard not to for the past few days and thought this couldn’t last for long, so I said I’d better send something now, when there’s an “occasion”, an event I can start from, a chance to say something which might have some meaning, than try to hold back and inevitably end up blurting out something a few days later, when I wouldn’t be able to stop myself anymore.
Now, of course, since I sent him a message, I don’t dare log on to Yahoo! Messenger again, just in case he did get it and did reply and that reply might mention something I fear… As much of a coward as always, of course…
But now my question is… What next? Ever since I saw that question it was sort of a goal to make it this far, but now that I did… Where do I go from here? What else could keep me getting out of bed every day when hope’s too slim to make any difference?
When I asked someone that yesterday I was told “you’ll be fine”. Right, easy for you to say… Not that I expected anything else, nobody understands… Or at least nobody I know. I’m sure there are some other people in a similar situation, but I never seem to meet any. Why is that?
