On Truth
Got the idea to write this after reading a post on the subject (it’s in Romanian) by Tzuni.
One can say that truth sometimes hurts, but it doesn’t. Somebody may feel hurt when told the truth, but it’s not the act of telling the truth that hurts. Instead, what hurts is the reality that they have just been made aware of. And, whether it is revealed or not, that reality would still exist. If it exists and it has the potential of hurting, then it already hurts, just that they’re not aware of it.
Truth helps, because communication helps. Enunciating something is the first step towards discussing it. In case of problems, discussions are the first step towards solutions. In case of hard facts, the earlier you start thinking where to go from there, the better it is. And there aren’t many hard facts affecting a person that can be kept hidden for a significant amount of time anyway.
Lies, however, truly hurt. And anything short of complete truth is a lie! A lie intended to hurt, hurts by itself, as it doesn’t reveal any reality. A lie intended to spare from a painful truth, hurts as well. It hurts because truth has a tendency to be revealed sooner or later, so the person you think you spare will most likely learn about said reality anyway. And, when that happens, it will hurt even more.
It will hurt more because by now there will probably be nothing left to do about it. Therefore, by lying, or hiding or bending the truth, if you want to hide behind your finger and call it that, you took away their chance to solve the problem in the first place. In doing so, you also proved that they shouldn’t trust you.
If you think there is nothing to do, but the truth in question is something that would qualify as a problem, then ask yourself for how long have you suspected it and what could have been done if the long and winding road towards finding a solution would have been started then. If you still say nothing could have been done, then ask yourself if you don’t actually mean nothing that could let you (or the one you’re covering for) do whatever you (or they) please, without considering how that would affect the one you think you spare by lying.
And if it’s not a problem, but a hard fact, how is the lie helping anyway? I once saw a post card on PostSecret consisting of chalk outline on a street, obviously signifying a fatality, and the text “When their relatives ask if they suffered, I lie and say no.” True, nothing to be done about it, but does lying help? Does never knowing a loved one’s last moments help? (Or, as truth tends to come out, does learning it much later, and realizing you’ve been comforting yourself with a lie all that time, help?) If you believe in an afterlife, does it help in any way not to know in due time that you should perform some additional rites to ease a soul’s confusion after a traumatic end of one of it’s incarnations?
Lying is leaving a solvable problem turn into an unsolvable one. Lying is taking away a chance. Lying is not allowing proper closure when there’s nothing more to be done. Lying is tunneling under the foundation of any relationship, as trust grows from the seeds of honesty, and trust is what any relationship should be based on (excepting romantic ones, where trust comes second to love).
If you think you spare the other’s feelings by lying, you do nothing but lie twice. Firstly to the one you’re hiding the truth from, and secondly to yourself. You’re not protecting them, you’re protecting yourself! You don’t want to have to provide advice. You don’t want to be the shoulder they cry on. Or you don’t want to take responsibility for the action you’re lying about. You don’t want to become, or stay, involved. You don’t want to have to think about it. You don’t want to have to take their feelings into account the next time you do whatever you feel like doing, or next time you have to cover for the one who does. Basically, you don’t want your cozy little bubble burst. Come on, admit it, it’s not them you’re sparing! And, in the long run, you’re not sparing yourself either.
Now let’s move on to another situation. Say you did something you know will get you in trouble and lie in order to get out. Did you know it will get you in trouble when you did it? If so, did you think it was right to do it anyway? If yes, then stand up for what you believe! If not, then why did you do it in the first place?
I do have to admit that lying can buy time in such moments, but only if you know you’re right. If a certain action would bring unjust punishment upon yourself or another and you have a plan to change that, then a lie when faced by a person with authority might be justified for the time being. But only if you know that what you, or they, did was right and plan to do something about it, to make it accepted as such in the future.
But keep one thing in mind. If you think that what you did was right, then it means it would also be right if somebody would do it to you in a similar situation. No double standards!
You can’t have a real friendship, much less a solid romantic relationship, without knowing all there is to know about each other. You can start one, certainly, but it will never last, as you never filled in the network of wide tunnels just under it’s foundation.
You can’t solve a problem without knowing what it is. You can’t get your bearing on a new road without knowing exactly where you started walking from. You can try not to find the truth, but it will almost always find you.
This world would be a far better place if we’d all learn to wear our hearts on our sleeves more. True, once you do, you’re vulnerable. But, if everyone does, we all become a team. Few things are more bonding than knowing each other’s vulnerable spots. You’re no longer the scared prey hiding from the predator. You become a member of the pack. And those that so far were predators, those who took advantage of others’ weaknesses, become your prey. Hunt them down without mercy!
