Cav's Place

Today it is one year since I met Rosemarie. I wanted to post the whole story here, so here it is. Please take the time to read it.

It was August 16th, 1999, around 8 AM. My dad drove me to school, my first day of high school. I hadn’t been to school the last semester of 8th grade, but I just took my exams at the end and they passed me. I was TERRIFIED!!! I hadn’t slept the night before and only a couple of hours 2 nights before. I had barely eaten during the previous week or maybe even more. To sum it all up, I was a total wreck.
So, I got there, my dad had to pull me out of the car, I couldn’t move or speak, I don’t know if I was even breathing, but I must have been because otherwise I’d be dead, my heart was racing at well over 150 beats per minute. I went to the school door and waited there. The first person I noticed when I looked around was her. She looked just as scared as I was and, judging by how she looked, she hadn’t slept that night either. From the first moment I looked at her I felt something, I had no idea what it was…
After around 20 minutes my dad came to me (he was walking around until then) and whispered in my year, looking towards her “what do you say about that girl, she seems just like you, quiet, shy, everything…” I said “yah, right” and looked everywhere except towards her until he walked away, but in my mind I said “Where the hell do you think I’ve been looking ever since I got here???” It felt strange, my dad actually noticing a girl that I … I liked, although at the time I wasn’t sure about it. I decided to fight myself, but that decision was short lived…
The vice-principal came out, made a short speech and then called in the classes. She said “9A” and read 20 names, then “9B” and 22 names, then “9C” and 18 names… And at that point I realized I’d be in the same class with her, 9D (I told you, the system here is not like it is there, here the students stay in the same class, the teachers move around, since we all have the same schedule because we can’t choose it). At that moment I felt so happy I was about to cry… I decided not to fight whatever it was that I was feeling, because it was way stronger than me.
I tried to introduce myself to her, but I couldn’t even walk up to her, my legs got all soft and I got dizzy when I tried. But I heard her say her name, Rosemarie, to someone. At the end of the 4 hours we staid at school that day she was on the hallway talking to somebody and I felt I had to go to her, say “Hi, I’m Robert” and, when she’d tell me her name and put out her hand so we’d shake hands, I would kneel in front of her and kiss her hand… But as I walked to her, when I opened my mouth to say “hi”, I simply lost control, I froze, turned around and found myself outside the school. I had no idea how I got there, guess I fainted but kept on walking from instinct. I just couldn’t do it.

The next day went by OK, and when we got out I was walking right behind her. My dad was at the school gate and came towards me, pointed to the car and said “let’s go”, then saw where I was looking and asked if I’d like to go and “catch the girl” instead. I said no. He asked me what her name was. I said “I don’t know… Um… Wait… Wait… I know, it’s Rosemarie!!!” I actually yelled it! I’m awful at remembering names, took me over a month to learn the name of any other classmate of mine, even if they introduced themselves to me, some even more than once. But I remembered her name just after I happened to hear it once.
Then I decided to only go on Saturday. (It was an optional 2 weeks of preparation before the school actually started, but they decided to make it just 6 days, and instead of making us come Monday to Friday and then the next Monday they said we should come Monday to Saturday and have the whole last week before school actually started free. So I just went on Saturday…) Well, nothing important.

Then school started. On the first day my cousin went with me to school and as he looked around he asked if there were any girls in my class. I pointed to a group of 3 (she was one of them) and said “Those are the only ones that are here, the rest didn’t arrive yet”. He looked and said “Uh… No, I meant REAL girls!” and then looked away (he was 19 at the time, he’s 20 now). I felt like kicking him in the balls at that moment, I mean he said she wasn’t a real girl!
I was afraid to do anything but I guess it was obvious, because one of her friends (2 girls became friends with her fast) kept poking her and giggling whenever I was around. After a while I had to have surgery plus that I had the flu before that… So overall I was out of school for almost 1 month. I was still terrified of school, but from the first day I came back I knew I had to come… For her.
After a while I asked for her phone number, she said she didn’t know it (and her best friend gave me an “I’ll kill you!” look). I already had it anyway, and her refusing to tell it to me herself made me more determined.

Just a few days later we were crossing the road towards the bus station, me and her, together, when a guy in a car (probably drunk) was driving all over the place. I just moved to a place where I was sure that if the driver would keep it up the car would hit me instead of her and nervously gestured for her to run forward… And she did. Once she was clear I had a fraction of a second to plan my jump across the hood of the car, but luckily the guy realized he was going to hit someone and he turned sharply just as I jumped. He just hit my ankle, but I was too scared to feel the pain. I just jumped into the bus and sat next to her. That’s when I realized I really am ready and willing to give my life for her.
Just as I sat down, she put her hand on me and said in a very soft voice that this happens all the time, many cars drove just inches from her before. By then I was beginning to calm down and feel the pain in my leg (no, it was nothing serious, just a hit and a strained muscle, it got better in a couple of days). I told her it actually hit me. She tried to comfort me the best she could. I never felt as close to her as I did during those 3 minutes we sat there (I just take the bus for 2 stops). When I got up and said bye she smiled at me. Then I got home, too happy to feel the pain in my leg.

The next day when we met (I knew she was in the first 135 bus that arrived at my stop after 7:40 AM, that’s how it was 95% of the time, and at the time, even if I got there early and even if I could get to school with the 133 bus too, I waited for the bus she was supposed to be in) we started talking as soon as we got off the bus in front of the school. I never talked to her for more than 30 seconds, and then I talked to her for over 3-4 minutes. It was mid-November, a Wednesday. I arranged the clothes on her, we touched a few times, I couldn’t believe everything was going so great!
I thought that was it, if I wouldn’t do something then I’d never do it, and even if it wouldn’t work we’d still be friends… So I wrote a big note that night, telling her exactly how I felt towards her and all that, and gave it to her just as I got off the bus the next day. She looked puzzled and asked what that was, I said “just look, just read it” and then stormed off the bus, my heart racing at a good 200 beats per minute at least! I was shaking that whole day, and the day after.
Well, whenever we happened to look at each other after that day, both of us looked away in less than half a second. We still spoke a little, but very shyly, both of us. Guess I was wrong thinking that the friendship would still be there and I’d have another chance sometime later.

On December 28th, during the winter break, I felt I could no longer stand to not talk to her, so I walked around the house for more than 3 hours, thinking of every possible scenario. Finally, I picked up the phone, all my body was numb, was breathing heavily and all that, and I called. It was the 2nd time I called someone who wasn’t my immediate family. The first was when I didn’t go to school one day because I was so afraid and my dad made me call a classmate to get my homework (usually he called for it). I did it, crying and all…
Back to calling her. Her dad answered. I froze for a second, but then simply asked for her and he called her to the phone, no questions asked. When she picked up I started to calm down. She recognized my voice immediately, she always recognized my voice immediately each time I called her after this too. She’s the only person that recognizes my voice over the phone, sometimes even my mom and dad don’t know who it is when I call them.
Of course her first question was “How did you find out my number?”, so I told her how I did that, asked whether she was upset and she said “no, of course not”. I wished her happy holidays and such and she said thanks, wished the same to me, then said a few more things and that we’ll meet at school. And that was that. I felt I broke the ice again.

When we went back to school we started talking again from the first day, but she only talked to me when we were alone, she pretended she didn’t even know me when her friends were there.
I didn’t call her the first week after school started again, but I did the second week. I didn’t actually ask her out then, but I was testing the grounds. She said she was busy, told me what, why and so on. I could have checked every detail very easily if I didn’t believe her, but of course I did. Then I asked her if it’s really that she is busy then or she simply does not want to go out with me. She said (and repeated 3 times) that it’s just that, she is busy that day.
Well, I called her the next Friday too, but later. She picked up but whispered that she couldn’t talk at that moment.
Well, the next Friday, January 27th, I called again. Just like the other 2 times, I started by talking to her about things that were happening at school, gave her advice about some problems I realized she had… Then I said “So, when will the two of us go out for a pizza, a coke or a mouthful of snow, something?”. She said that I’m a very good friend and she thinks that friendship is much more important than a relationship (I totally disagree here!) and on the other hand she likes another guy and wouldn’t be fair to any of us for her to go out with me. She said she really hopes I’m not upset with her, but she tried to make me realize that without telling me so she wouldn’t hurt me. I could barely stop myself from screaming “NOT TO HURT ME??? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW???”, but I managed to say “no, I’m not upset, but you should have just told me”. And I started crying. She kept talking to me about random stuff a little while longer, then said we’ll see each other the next day and hung up. Overall we talked for a good 20 minutes then!

The next day was the last day of the first semester. Also it was the first day I ever saw her wearing any kind of make up (the second and last time I saw her wearing make up was when she had something to show at this fair the school did). I have a very deep respect for a girl that doesn’t use make up. She only has simple hairdos too and on the few days we are allowed to go to school without the uniform she doesn’t bother to be in fashion or to put on something that will look really smashing, like all the other girls do; she just puts on something that looks nice, plain and simple! I really respect a girl who is natural like that!
Back to her, that day she kept looking at me and smiling and stuff, she came to me several times just to talk to me for a few seconds… I can say she did everything to show she cared. Then there was 1 week of break.
Oh, I think that last day of the first semester was when she got herself that guy as a boyfriend. That’s how I heard it anyway, I know they were still together when the school ended.

Then the 2nd semester began. The first day was really nice again but the second day she was getting distant again. The thing is that the same day I brought with me a thing I wrote. It can’t be called a diary, it was more like a book based on a diary. The day she refused me, my mom told me that she and my dad are breaking up (after about 1 month he came back home, with some help from one of my teachers), during the next 1 week I heard some other bad news too… I felt I had to write it all down, everything I felt, so I did. And I wanted to give that to her and talk to her the second day, I just needed someone to talk to!!!
I called her over but she didn’t hear me so I just walked up to her, held her arm, turned her around and said that I wanted to talk to her, but what I would tell her should remain between the two of us. Her first words were “no, don’t worry, nobody else knows about what happened”. I said it wasn’t about that. Right then, her 2 best friends came, one from one side and one from the other, and literally tried to take her away from there, but for the first time she yelled “GO AWAY!!!”, pushed one of them and looked meanly at the other. I was surprised! But she couldn’t understand what I wanted to give her and she left saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand what you mean, we’ll talk about this later”. And those were the last words I got from her in 6 weeks.
Well, except once in Turkish class when the teacher paired us up and told each of us to ask the other to go somewhere and the other should refuse and say why he/she can’t go. Guess what, I got paired up with her. Both of us counted twice from each side to make sure that’s true, then we asked the teacher and when he confirmed we looked at each other for a while and then she said “come on, ask” (I was the one that was supposed to do the asking). I just turned my head and ignored her. If I had opened my mouth then I’d have said “no thanks, you refused me in Romanian, don’t need you to refuse me in Turkish too.”

Well, 6 weeks after that 2nd day of the 2nd semester I kind of forced her to talk to me. She started talking to me again after that, but like I was a stranger, and that hurts. During those 6 weeks, 2 girls asked me if it was true that I “liked” her.
In April or May I called her again. I hadn’t been at school for a whole week and wanted my homework. So I called her. When she picked up I froze again… And I mumbled something stupid, but it was the only thing I could say. “Um… Did I call in the right place?” She said “yeah”, but with a voice that sounded like “go away, leave me alone”. When I told her I just wanted my homework she suddenly became very cheerful, gave me my homework and then we kept talking about stuff for another 5 minutes or so after the homework thing was done. I guess that was a clear message that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me except “business”…
Towards the end of the school year, another girl just told me that she knows I love Rosemarie and that I should keep trying until she’ll give in. That girl wasn’t a friend of any of us before then, but I used to go to her and try to help whenever she was upset. I do that with everyone, but some of the others wouldn’t let me get close when they were upset, I don’t know why.

One other incident after she started talking to me again was with this guy from 10th grade who was sitting right next to her (she was sitting right behind me) at a special English class we had. He asked her what name is she thinking about with the letter R except hers. She said “none”. He said “come on, I know there is someone”. She said “Who have you been talking to?” He said “To Diana” (Diana is her best friend) and she said “I know what she told you, but it is not true!”. He then asked me what my name was, I said Robert and he said “There! See? I am right! Tell me you and him aren’t together if you can.” Well, she said that there is nothing between us in every way possible, repeating it several times. Every time she said that, it felt like a dagger was pushed through my heart. I couldn’t say anything at all during that class. Good thing it was the last one, so I just ran outside after that and cried.
The thing is that he did ask her one more thing. He asked her if there really isn’t “anything there”. She didn’t say a word. Could that possibly mean that deep down inside she actually does like me? But then again, she doesn’t believe in love and says that relationships at this age are short… Not with me! I wouldn’t get in a relationship if I wouldn’t be ready to spend my whole life with that person!

Well, towards the end of the school year I asked Diana to help me get back friends with her. Well, she promised but didn’t do anything. We fought a lot, but then she started being nice to me, told me stuff about Rosemarie (and even about her boyfriend) that were supposed to be secret and such. Then she became even nicer towards me after school was over and told me in an e-mail that Rosemarie will be traveling all summer and nobody will be able to reach her, but she asked me to hang in here and wait until September when I’ll get to see Rosemarie again. What was that all about?
Oh, and one more thing. Diana told me recently that Rosemarie was very upset that I called her when she hadn’t given me her number. Well, she didn’t seem upset at all until the last time, the one about the homework. And I told Diana exactly what I told Rosemarie, that I simply don’t want to take hints and “read signs”. If anyone wants to tell me anything then they have to come to me and say it!

Well, I probably missed a few little details, but this is it.