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Just Down

This isn’t working… I’m just sitting here and feeling like shit, thinking about the usual things and feeling embarrassed and stupid about everything. Even playing a game can make me feel crappy, so I’ll just pick a topic and whine for a little while.

It sucks that the apples and oranges are always in the kitchen, so I can only grab one if I go there, which can only happen if I somehow get out of my room when neither of my parents is in the kitchen and I notice this fact. Can’t say that another place could be found for them so it would be easier for me to grab one while staying a “ghost”, but it’s still annoying. Even more annoying is that I never remember to take one in my room at night so it’ll be here the next day.
As long as we’re talking about snacks, I’d still like to have some other things, of a more unhealthy kind, to munch on. There are hardly ever any of those around, and when they do exist they’re also in the kitchen… Or worse, in the creature’s room. I’m not talking about sweets, there are almost always sweets, but when I want to munch on something and grab something sweet because there’s nothing else handy, I end up either feeling a little sick, due to eating too much of it too fast, or being quite dissatisfied because I was careful and therefore didn’t get enough. I mean, come on, you can’t satisfy an urge to munch on something with sweets, at least not without feeling sick afterwards. Been through this before…
While I’m on this issue, it’s also quite annoying that dad doesn’t buy any other fruits. But I have to deal with it, since I wouldn’t know what to ask for even if I’d be so inclined and I obviously can’t buy any myself. That’s how it is with all the food, I just have to deal with what they get and make and quite often just try to find something that I dislike somewhat less than the other options…
Yes, I just wanted to whine and this was the first thing that came to mind, all right?

Actually, that’s how it is with everything. I just have to deal with what they buy and make… And that’s how it’ll always be, since I’ll never have much of a say in how my life goes and, unless a miracle happens, I’ll never again live with anyone who understands me either. Still wondering why the fuck am I still alive, because there’s certainly no point in anything. I mean I know why I’m alive, it’s because I didn’t have the courage to do what had to be done after she left and then found myself forced to create just enough hope to allow me to stick around like this, be “undead” because I couldn’t be anything else… But… Is that really all there is?
I’m just stuck here with them and no life and no path to anywhere. Or nowhere good, since it’s always possible for things to get worse… And they usually do. Never say things can’t get worse, because you’ll quickly be proved wrong. Learned that a long time ago…

I keep saying that I need a best friend, but I’m wondering what kind of person would she have to be. Obviously not a cheerful and positive person, we’d have nothing to talk about if she’d be like that, but she probably couldn’t be quite as far down as I am either. She’d have to be down in the pit with me, but holding on to a sturdy rope and willing to let me grab on to her. Then we could just comfort each other, be alone together, and wait for things to change while trying to see which of the problems that we could do little, if anything, about alone can be solved if we work together.
Still, even in the highly unlikely scenario that such a person will ever show up in my life, I’d fear that she’d start making her way up by herself and I’d be left behind once again. There have been few enough people I felt I could get close to so far and they have all left me behind sooner or later. Usually sooner. That’s what happens each and every time…

Basically… I guess that right now I just need to cuddle, need that kind of physical contact, the rest can probably wait a while longer. Haven’t had that either since Andra left. Hell, I’ve only been hugged once since then! Lately even my nicer dreams seem to focus just on this, hugging and cuddling. But, of course, that can’t happen either. Hope is just something I need to create because there is nothing else, but it’s not real… There’s no reason to hope when absolutely nothing works well when it comes to such things…


  1. dracu says:

    get a job, parasite..

    May 16, 2009 @ 1:30 AM

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