Cav's Place

I have a couple of posts on my mind, but it doesn’t seem like they’re going to get written these days. That’s how it always is… It’s quite annoying right now because I insist on not putting them in drafts, knowing that whatever ends up there has very little chances of seeing the light of day anytime soon, and therefore risk losing the entire train of thought. But, again, that’s how it always is…

Eating pretty much always makes me very sad. Even if I somehow manage to be in a reasonable mental state before getting out of my room to eat at night, I still get extremely sad as soon as I put something on the table. It has to do with eating alone instead of with her, hearing dad snoring in the living room and the creature watching TV in her room instead of Andra shuffling about or sleeping quetly, having to make very little noise in order not to wake them up instead of her, being here instead of there… Happens when I happen to be alone and go to eat during the day too, especially when I actually try to fix a little something for myself, or just consider doing it. Doing these things alone and for myself instead of with her or for her… It’s a very direct reminder of how things stand, of what I lost, of the fact that I’m now stuck here and she is… Wherever she is…

I wanted to say a few more things, but there’s no point. I’m sitting here and staring blankly at the screen. It feels so wrong to always look for something to keep yourself interested and at least somewhat “functional” for a little while longer when you know there’s no point in it, nothing to work towards…