Cav's Place

I remember a day when Andra went to meet with one of her classmates from college, I think it was close to her graduation. When she got back home she seemed quite thrilled about something and lost no time in filling me in. Apparently said classmate brought a guy with her. I didn’t think that was nice at all in itself, seeing as she didn’t let Andra know beforehand, but she certainly seemed to have enjoyed the result.
That guy was… I think 34 or 31, I can’t remember exactly. He was wearing some very worn clothes which were also obviously too small for him and I think she also said he was unshaven and his hair was unkempt, but that he didn’t smell bad. Anyway, he talked circles around both of them and Andra seemed quite awed by all he knew, all he thought about and all the plans he had.
Eventually, after she said she got bold enough to ask, he said he didn’t bother much with schooling and doesn’t work, so his parents support him. They’re not happy with the situation, but he managed to make them get him a place to call his own, pay his bills, buy him food and the other necessities, supply him with books and make sure he has a good computer. In response to her glancing at his clothes, he said they mean nothing him, he doesn’t care about such trappings of society and would often rather go naked, weather permitting. About his place, he said that it’s small, with few furnishings and appliances, just the powerful computer standing out, and that his bedroom basically just includes his bed and the computer desk, plus a whole lot of books and notebooks and other such things piled up everywhere, so that it was quite a task to even keep a clear path between desk and bed. (That problem was one we also had at the time, actually, seeing as we were administering that on-line library.) He said he had no other need for material possessions, was happy with his books and computer and the research and plans he could use them for and just hoped that someday something truly important would come out of it. I guess I’d be nothing compared to that guy when it comes to detailed plans about changing the world…
Moving on, she said she eventually got even bolder and asked right out if him and her classmate were together. They both started laughing at that and eventually he said he’s not “like that” with anyone, but he offers his love to anyone who accepts it and accepts it from anyone who wants to offer theirs to him, though otherwise he’s really not a people person. Then went on to specify that by love he actually means love and that he finds sex quite pointless so he got rid of it from his life. I think I also remember her saying that he told her he didn’t drink alcohol, didn’t smoke and didn’t do drugs…
So she left them feeling quite giddy and got his e-mail address too, though she didn’t use it, not as far as I know at least. Said she thought I’d relate to him even more than she had so she gave it to me too, but since I wasn’t the one who met him (plus that he was a man, and you know I don’t get along with other guys), I didn’t write it down or anything, so that was that.

Now I don’t know whether anything he told her was true or whether what she told me was true. I don’t even know if we were even together anymore, I keep saying that, just seems too unbelievable that something good actually happened to me once… But she sure was right when she said I’d relate to him. This really stuck in my mind. That’s what I’d want, never to worry about necessities and bills without having anything to do with the “real world” myself, a little place to call my own that won’t need frequent repairs and which would be in an area without bothersome neighbors and preferably surrounded by a lot of Nature if at all possible, just the necessary furniture and appliances, a very good computer which I’d be able to replace every few years and a good supply of books. And the peace of mind to make use of them just like that, for plans and research and building my own (anything but) little world, hoping that someday at least a part of it will become reality. Likely such a person gets labeled a loser, wasted, a parasite, useless and other such things by the tremendous majority, but so be it, I never cared about the majority…
But… I’ll never have any shred of peace of mind without someone to share it all with. (And that sharing would include sex too, thank you very much. That’s the one part I didn’t like.) So what’s worse is that she wasn’t that someone, no matter how excited she was about meeting that guy. As I said before, getting my wish to be with her again would most likely just mean being unhappy with her instead of depressed without her. It’d be much better, without a doubt, but I’d still be between a rock and a hard place either way.
So… The thing is that, as I was saying before, nobody understands me and I don’t understand anybody. Even the few people I manage to keep in touch with for a while end up diving into the “real world” and leaving me behind sooner or later. Usually sooner. They’re looking for ways to make money, get jobs because they “have to”, go through the “expected” formal education, think of careers, enslave themselves to banks to buy what they want on credit or to others in order to rent what they can’t buy, want “normal” families, marriage, put their relationships on the back burner because of all these things, try to fit in or at least to be able to “function” within this society and ultimately lose any ideals they might have had just to become little cogs in the machine. As Sarah proved, some want children too. Of course, when that happens they die to me, but the other things are huge disappointments as well. I certainly wouldn’t want any of them to drag me along, but I’d really want at least one or two people, and preferably three or four, to stick around here with me, to shun all those things and try for something different, at all costs, do everything for their relationship(s) and their ideals. (The ideals I agree with, that is. After all, I’m looking for a friend, not just a random idealist.) Someone who’d just screw this society and its expectations and demands.

I guess another huge problem is that everyone I’ve ever felt close to didn’t feel nearly as close to me, or at least the relationships meant far more for me than for them.
There are the four I’m talking about when I mention the “list”, the only people I ever felt close to that I also met in real life, which, in order of “closeness”, would be Andra, Elena P., Jen and Elena G.. Andra left and killed me in every way but the purely physical, not to mention that even while we were together I quite obviously needed her way more than she needed me. Elena P. vanished after only a few months and it’s possible that it was all a lie anyway. Jen is really not the kind of person who’d allow me to get as close as I’d like even in ideal circumstances, plus that she can’t stomach that I’m still so in love with Andra and she’s been just a cog in the machine for quite some time now anyway. And Elena G. is just a ghost, I get in touch with her every couple of years only so she’ll vanish once again soon after, not to mention that whatever closeness I thought existed back then might have been fake too.
Then there are those I felt very close to without ever actually meeting: Kristi, Sarah and now Alina. I’m inclined to put Alina first because with the other two there was also some sort of an attempt at an on-line relationship for a while, way back then, so the closeness was partly explained by that, which is obviously not the case here. But Kristi vanished at some point, many years ago, when it became hard for her to get on-line for a while, and that was that. Things first cooled down with Sarah after finding out she’d been lying to me about something all that time, then there were some other issues later on, and now she’s really dead to me after this. As for Alina, I feel that “kinship” with her that I can’t really explain, but she has plenty of “real world” elements in her life just as well, not to mention that I feel I’ve just been shoving myself down her throat for the past year or so, likely aggravating her all the while.
And then there would be the two that I never felt that close to but who were nice enough for long enough to become somewhat important to me just as well, namely Mandy and now Andreea. Things cooled down with Mandy after I noticed that she was starting to go down that “real life” path as well, and since she now appears to be a relatively “normal” member of society I can say I was right. And now Andreea is really going down that path too, which actually is what triggered this train of thought just now.
Everyone else I ever got in contact with was either obviously a far cry from anyone I could ever get close to or left me behind even before we could get a chance to get close in any way… So I’m still just as alone in the crowd as usual… Is this how it will always be?