Cav's Place

Too lonely to sleep, or to think, or to dream… Apparently even to spell, considering how something I wrote this morning, after giving up on the idea of trying to sleep for a while, ended up… So I’m sitting here and thinking about what might have been and what most likely can never be, and imagining things that seem wrong even to me.
And there isn’t even anyone to talk to. And I don’t just mean that nobody understands, they never do, but that there really isn’t anyone to talk to these days. What makes it even worse is that dad is away this week, but the creature’s still here, so the house is usually very quiet but I’m not alone, so I can’t go out of my room and wander around or try to fix myself something to eat or do other such things. That caused me to go and talk to the creature twice already, yesterday and today, both because there’s really nobody else to say anything to and because I went out of my room when everything was very quiet and therefore just had the urge to stay out there and try to think of something to do, which meant it didn’t feel right to just crawl back into my room after noticing her there. The obvious result was that I felt like I just crawled out of a pile of shit when I did eventually get back to my room…

On another note, I believe I got clear confirmation that Elena G. did actually place me on ignore, but I still don’t know why. It’s awfully frustrating and the only thing I can think of is that none of what she said when we previously found each other on-line, especially in 2005, was true. So I’m once again wondering if any even remotely positive thing that appeared to ever happen to me was actually true, because it certainly seems like nothing good can happen to me, at least not when it’d involve another person, and whenever I think some such thing did happen it’s actually just me imagining things and letting any faint traces of optimism left within me cloud my judgment.
This obviously means I’m once again wondering if I didn’t imagine my relationship with Andra as well. I mean, it certainly doesn’t seem even remotely possible that something like that could have happened to me. There are clear memories, files, pictures, even a couple of movies, but it just can’t seem real anymore. Or maybe those things did happen, but I was lied to and played all the time by her as well, as it apparently is the case with everyone else… I can’t think that of her, but I can think it of the situation, so I don’t know…
A more rational perspective would be that all the people I ever knew were coming from somewhere and heading somewhere else, so they just came into my life briefly when they happened to pass by the place I’m floating about in, then moved on, usually heading towards places I know for a fact I never want to reach, leaving me behind. Perhaps in most cases they didn’t actually mean me any harm, they just didn’t care how their actions would affect me, perhaps not even noticing that they were, and likely still are, much more important to me than I ever was to them. But I don’t think that makes much of a difference. Why would it be any better to refuse to fix the harm you unintentionally caused, once you’re made aware of it, than to cause it on purpose in the first place? The end result is the same…