Cav's Place

It’s been nearly two months since I answered the first part of these questions, so it’s probably about time to continue. At first I meant to answer all of them at once, then to split them into two posts published no more than a week apart, but now this is only part two out of three and who knows when I’ll get around to the third one…

Am I having fun?
Quite the opposite. Then again, I’m not particularly looking to have fun most of the time either. There are plenty of more important things, the problem being that I don’t have any of them.

Am I a funny person?
I don’t exactly think so, unless you count people laughing at me. I have my moments and sometimes it can certainly happen unintentionally, but usually I’m quite serious.

Do I know how to feel good, so I won’t cry when others laugh?
If “others” are around then I’ll be feeling uncomfortable at best, no matter what’s going on. If I’m with only one other person that I’m already close to and things are going well then of course I’ll feel good, but that’s about it. I don’t care what makes “others” feel good and certainly have no intention of mimicking them if it’s not what I need.

Do I spend enough time with my family?
Objectively speaking, no. But any amount of time spent with my birth family is way too much for me, so I do my best not to spend any time with them. Now if this would be asking about my chosen family, mainly meaning my girlfriend, I’d have to say that it’d be very hard for me to ever feel I’m spending enough time with her. But since I don’t have a girlfriend, I’ll file this question under “not applicable” and move on.

Did I travel enough?
More than enough, in the sense that any amount of travel is too much for me. Which shouldn’t mean that I’m happy where I am, because I never wanted to end up back here in the first place and I most definitely want to move somewhere else as soon as possible. But that’s just it: I want to find a nice place and move there, permanently. Traveling is taxing and wasteful.

What’s my biggest fear?
When I first saw this question, I meant to say that there are too many big fears to pick just one, but that’d be a lie. My biggest fear by far is that Andra is going to have or adopt a baby someday, or that she has done so already. Since the issue of overpopulation is the only thing more important to me than my love for Andra, having anything to do with children is the one thing I’ll never tolerate, not even for her. Which means that, were something like this to happen, I’ll no longer even be able to lie to myself that there could still be another chance someday, because it’s the only thing that would make me reject any such chance myself.
So, yes, this thought terrifies me constantly. I love her and need her and, while I don’t completely reject the possibility of being able to love someone else just as much someday, trying something with said other person without Andra also being involved would obviously be completely unfair to everyone concerned, for too many reasons. Plus that I promised I’ll never be with anyone else without her involved and I never broke a promise so far, so I’m not about to start with the most important one I ever made. So, if even the theoretical chance of getting back together would be gone, where would that leave me?

How can I get over that fear?
By being absolutely sure that it’ll never happen. The fact that I haven’t heard anything from or about her in two years is certainly making it a whole lot worse, but I doubt I’d be quite sufficiently convinced that this won’t ever happen even if we’d be together and she’d be proven to be completely infertile and somehow assure me that she doesn’t want to adopt…

Am I an annoying person?
Absolutely. Certain recent conversations just prove it once more, if any more evidence was needed.

Why do I annoy others?
Because I’m very far from the “norm” and can’t tolerate “normal” people perhaps? Also because, as someone just pointed out recently, my primary communication tools are those of debate and confrontation. Most people don’t take kindly to being challenged, plus that I make a point of annoying those who can’t support their ideas with solid and valid arguments, those who aren’t willing to argue in defense of their opinions and those who are indifferent to important issues.
Perhaps I’ll explain it better by saying that I’ll always attack people who do “normal” things, in the sense that society defines the term, just like I’ll attack people who are “different” just for the sake of being different or, perhaps to a lesser extent, those who are “different” in harmful ways. Support ideas and do things that are not harmful but in stark contrast with what’s considered “normal” out of clear and strong convictions and we’ll have interesting things to talk about, however.

What am I dreaming of?
To be with Andra again, in a relationship that’d work out really well, and for both of us to be healthy enough to enjoy it. Neither of us should ever put anyone or anything else above the other, though that relationship could very well be polyamorous. Being equal to another primary partner would be quite all right as long as the pivot in that situation wouldn’t have any other things going on in their life that’d require a significant amount of their time or attention.
Everything else is secondary. But, in brief, it’d involve having a small but nice house, with all necessities and a decently sized yard, at the outskirts of a mountain town, with healthy forests all around and mountain trails starting nearby, and the peace of mind to enjoy it and perhaps work on that major positive change that I wish I’ll someday create in the world, as long as the general public won’t know it was me who did it. I’m also dreaming of a society that’d put the environment first and recognize that other species have rights as well, but otherwise generally go by the rule that everyone is free to do whatever they want as long as their actions don’t harm others who don’t deserve such harm or the environment. Plus an entirely new economic system, which wouldn’t require people to “earn a living” at all since it’s obvious that not all need to work even now, and a world with few enough people and enough technology that you won’t be required to interact with another actual person unless you really want to.

How can I accomplish that dream?
If I knew, I wouldn’t be here now…

Even if you won’t admit it, you asked yourself what happens after death at least once in your life.
This isn’t a question, but yes, I have, many times. Without evidence, I can’t be certain of anything, but I really believe in reincarnation. The details have never been more than hypotheses, so this isn’t the place to get into them.

Does everything happen for a reason?
No. As they say, shit happens. Most of it is caused either by the blind forces of chance or by people who, despite not exactly meaning to do you harm, simply don’t care how their actions affect you.