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Guilt, Spring and Gardening

Remembering things that make me feel awfully embarrassed is very common, usually happening several times per day and often making me stop and wince very visibly, but lately I’m thinking of things that make me feel guilty more and more often as well. And I’m not really sure why. I feel that almost all of them were, and perhaps still are, fully justified, yet that doesn’t seem to help, so I’m now feeling bad in yet another way. Or at least yet another way of feeling bad is making an appearance much more often.
I won’t say what I’m feeling guilty about here, in a few cases because it wouldn’t be wise, in a few others because I’m not ready to talk about it, and in the rest of cases because I’d add even more embarrassment to the guilt because of how silly they are. But yes, hardly writing anything serious and non-personal on this blog yet again is one of the things that make me feel guilty.

Maybe it has a lot to do with the coming of spring, or at least with the end of winter. Though it’s going to get rather cold again in the next period and I’m even seeing a little snow in the forecasts, but I doubt it’ll be able to settle again, so it’ll just be muck.
But, regardless of temperature, the days are already starting to get too long for my liking. I imagine that by the end of the month I’ll already be very bothered by this, and then it’ll just keep getting worse. Can’t I just find a place where daylight will end a steady three or so hours after the time I wake up without requiring me to wake up later as spring and summer come along?

But spring is making me think of gardening yet again. I know it sounds very strange for someone who hates going out of the house as much as I do, but I still say that I’d like gardening. And would also just want to try to grow my own vegetables and perhaps some plants to make tea from. Even if it’d just be enough for a salad and two cups of tea, it’d be a start and, at the very least, an interesting learning experience.
But that isn’t going to happen. Not just because I don’t have a garden, since I could start with growing some things indoors, but because of lack of freedom of movement around here, seeing as I live with my parents and don’t want to bump into them. If I’d live alone I’d certainly want to try growing some things in pots, mainly on the balcony but perhaps also in rooms other than the one I’d spend most of my time in, so sunlight would be allowed in at all times.

So that’s my current frame of mind: Guilty, embarrassed, irritated and frustrated. On top of the usual bad mood that’s constant since she left, of course. And that’s not going to get any better, seeing as three days from now it’ll be four years since I got thrown back here.


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