Many Worries and Little Sleep for the Solstice
This isn’t working… I’m working on breath alone most likely, because I’m certainly not eating or drinking more than usual but hardly sleep. And it’s not even hot anymore, to say that’s the reason why. I just wake up in the morning after only one or two hours of sleep and have a very hard time getting back to sleep, and if I can do it at all then I wake up again very soon. And now I can’t seem to even get a good nap in the evening anymore either, hardly napped for 30 minutes today.
A part of the reason why that happens probably has to do with the fact that I always keep the window open these days, so there’s noise coming from outside and waking me up, likely mainly the constant chirping of birds, which chirping is nice otherwise but a real problem when I want to sleep. But I’m sure the fact that I’m worried about so many things has a significant influence on that as well, plus the health issues I’m noticing, which are a good part of why I worry in the first place.
On top of the usual things and my heart apparently acting up more than usual, something is obviously wrong with the left side of my head, especially with the front part. A weird sensation, some pain, a feeling of pressure, things that I couldn’t even define spasming… Now there may be other explanations, such as the pain being caused by my eyes being tired, especially since my left eye is the better one and also the one that has to put up with sunlight whenever I’m at the computer during the day, the pressure potentially caused by some sort of infection or inflammation, possibly also pointed out by the fact that I’m getting a lot of zits on and around my forehead lately, possibly from my sinuses or perhaps more likely from a tooth that otherwise doesn’t act up but sent something damaging straight up, and the spasms can be easily explained by stress… Speaking of that, I don’t even know what it is that’s spasming. There are some hard strips I can feel under the skin, like tendons or something, and those in the left side produce a dull pain if I press on them, or even if I don’t, and sometimes decide to start spasming. I know they’re not blood vessels, but I didn’t exactly look into what they are…
Either way, you can imagine I’m fearing the worst and assuming that something wrong with my head implies something physically wrong with my brain, which is a thought I really can’t handle, especially considering my “the mind is exactly as it should be” policy. Of course, the brain is more than the mind, but it’s quite impossible to do anything to it while offering an 100% guarantee that no mental processes or memories will be affected in any way, which means that such a problem would under no circumstances have any tolerable solution, even if I’d somehow end up looking for one. And since I’ve been having growing reasons for concern regarding something like this for several months now… All I can do is panic.
And then, of course, there are the usual constant worries and fears about Andra and the fact that I’m so utterly alone and nobody would even hear me scream. Nobody I’d want to be heard by anway… Even worse that now college students are having their final exams, so I end up even more lonely than usual, as I know a few and none of them has time to talk at all these days. Ain’t that ironic… School destroyed me until I managed to stop going, but it didn’t stop there and now insists on taking away friends as well… Then again, it’s not just school, but that damned so-called “real life” that people keep allowing themselves to be drawn into.
So I’ll sit here and grow more tired, more worried, more terrified and more isolated by the moment, waiting for the inevitable terrible outcome, as there’s always something much worse that can happen, but apparently never anything noticeably better, not to me, not anymore… And I’ll keep choking on tears but never be able to cry whenever I go into the kitchen at night to eat and am once again reminded that I’m alone and notice a lot of little things that create mental links back to the time when I had a life and, more importantly, a reason to want to live it.
Not that I want to stop living now. Said it before, there was a point in dying for about a year after she left, but since then it became pointless at best, and more likely just another defeat. Suffered long enough and I don’t see how dying is going to make up for it, so I keep wishing and hoping for the impossible, wishing and hoping that something will happen in life, in this life, that will make up for all the suffering and make me say, at this point most likely after at least several years of very good things happening, that it was indeed all worth it in the end. But I don’t believe that to be possible, and everything that happened since she left only confirms that. As that quote went, “and when I’m lying in my bed, I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me”.
But at least I found out who the author of a few images that caught my eye during the past months is: Jason Engle. If you’re interested, his deviantART profile contains some additional images, which aren’t on the site. I seriously think this guy is almost too good, especially considering that he says he has absolutely no training and basically just learned as he went along. And he’s only 31, so there hasn’t been all that much time for learning by doing, not when you compare him to the famous fantasy artists, who tend to have been at it for at least a few decades.
