Eight
It would have been our eighth anniversary today… Instead, it’s getting close to five years since she left and about two and a half since we last spoke. So it’s just a very painful day for me, quite possibly the worst of the year, though there are a few others that could rival it… Either way, I don’t want to get into serious discussions that aren’t personal today, much less do anything that has any tangible results in any way. Talking to friends is always welcome of course, but I won’t get involved in things anywhere else. I just want to sit here, with the blinds drawn, and try to dream myself into a life worth living. Or at least remember the time when I used to have one and just imagine that all of this is nothing but a nightmare and I’ll wake up again someday.
It’d be nice to talk to someone, and I’m happy that I found Ami on right now. Would be far nicer to have someone who could understand these things and really be willing to go through feelings and memories with me, not just put up with it, if even that, as it’s usually the case when I don’t hold back just because I know it’d be unpleasant on both ends. And, of course, really nice would be to have such a person that I could also cuddle with. But that’s not going to happen. Neither of these is likely to ever happen, in fact, considering how things have been during these nearly five years. But this was still unexpected and nice in itself, and I’m enjoying whatever it is we’re talking about.
Otherwise, I seem to be able to find out a few things, though nothing important and certainly nothing certain. In a way, it’s nice that I can figure out even that much, but on the other hand it’s really painful that it’s not actually from her, and obviously not knowing what I need to know means I’m growing more and more worried every day, as always. But I probably said way too much about this already, so I’m not risking more, even though the odds that anyone who’s talking to her is reading this are slim.
Then again, I am wondering if someone hasn’t started talking to her again, or at least learned something of her that she doesn’t want me to know. Of course, the latter would include pretty much anything, but the less I’m told the more I worry that it’s something important and really devastating for me. So the fact that I’m not getting as much as a word anymore from that person either makes things seem really bad…
But I’m used to being ignored. Always happens. Still wondering if there has ever been even a single person that I chose to have any sort of relationship with who didn’t mean far more to me than I meant to them. Obviously only talking about those who seemed to desire some sort of connection as well, at some point, since in the other cases it’s clear how things stood.
