Cav's Place

Didn’t feel sorry for myself on here since I turned 26, did I? I was actually trying to string a few non-personal posts together before trying something else and darting right back under that rock I’ve been living under for the past two and a half weeks or so, but that doesn’t seem to be working at all. Well, there’s also the fact that I’m struggling to write something else as well, so even when I do manage to write it’s not on here, which spells trouble for this blog in the future. But I’ll just have to figure out a way to keep both going I guess. It’s not like I have anything better to do, after all…
Crawled just a little out from underneath that rock for the past few days because I realized there’s really no chance of getting a reply so there’s nothing to be afraid of in that aspect… Which, of course, means I’m just as afraid of the issue itself. I’d say even more afraid, but that’s impossible.
I’m just dirt under toenails for her and pretty much everyone else. And people keep thinking: “He’s harmless. You can do whatever you want and if you just don’t tell him about it he’ll usually find a way to lie to himself and say it’s not so bad. If not, you can always just vanish, since you don’t give a damn about him anyway. It’ll be all right; once he ends up thinking that you are close he’ll never do anything to hurt you on purpose no matter what you do to him, so it’s not like he’ll come after you with a chainsaw or anything, no matter how insane he may appear.” Unfortunately, they keep being right each and every time. And keep vanishing each and every time. But that’s an older issue…
So I’m sitting here and writing this in the middle of the night, thinking of the same things I’m always thinking of, hurting for the same reasons I’m always hurting, worrying about the same things, fearing the same things… That’s what my pointless life is all about. And nobody understands, or in case someone does they firmly disagree. That’s how it always was and that’s how it’ll likely always be. And it’s ironic how I sometimes still manage to tell people to fight to change the world, so things will no longer be like this and people will no longer be hurt in such a way, when it’s all too obvious that it’s not going to happen no matter what.
But hope’s a very hard thing to kill. It’s not the last to die, despite what the saying says, but it is very hard to kill nevertheless. Especially when someone is keeping it alive artificially simply because they need to keep it alive, even though they know it’s not real, such as I do… So perhaps someone will have real hope and somehow be helped by it to create this change… And perhaps something will eventually be all right… Perhaps…