Cav's Place

It probably is time to say how the first few days of 2011 have been for me. And if it isn’t I’ll do it anyway, since I can’t think of much else right now. Don’t expect a long post in any way because I’m not up for it. Just throwing some things out here… The problem being that my brain is barely functional anymore due to being too frightened…

The brain issue was very obvious a couple of hours ago when dad called me over to ask me how to properly phrase a very simple question in English and I simply couldn’t answer. And my vision kept getting cloudy as well. Was too afraid that he was going to mention what he eventually did mention after seeing just the kind of state I was in, at which point I ran away. And since then I’ve mostly been sitting here staring through the screen, even more at a loss for any words whatsoever than I usually am.
That’s because, due to being more and more aware that it’s imperative to have quite a lot of aspects of my health checked out, I did cry out for help in a few e-mails I sent him lately, including twice during the past week or so. But, as always, too frightened of both doing and not doing anything about it to even say what it’s about, which is why I got to this point in the first place. I mean, some things are relatively new developments, but the issues that most obviously need immediate attention have very slowly but steadily been getting worse for years. But, on top of being absolutely terrified by anything involving doctors or medical institutions or equipment, there’s the fact that there’s nobody I trust nearly enough to go through this with. Or, more exactly, I don’t know anyone I’d feel even marginally at ease going to a doctor with, even if they’d be willing to take me. And dad is certainly nowhere near the top of the “trust” list under any circumstances. Not to mention that I’m obviously afraid of what may be discovered, which would also be quite pointless since I’m really not going to accept ending up in a hospital, if it’ll be needed, nor any long-term treatment. In fact, even short-term treatments would be next to impossible, considering how I live. Of course, my lifestyle is the first thing that would need to be changed, but that’s completely impossible until I’ll live with someone I’d actually want to live with and feel at ease around, which is also utterly impossible in itself. On the other hand, I’m also afraid of looking like a fool once again by getting so worked up over things that’d prove to not be so serious after all. So, as always when it comes to health issues, there’s nothing but sheer terror on all sides and no way out under any circumstances.
Otherwise, I also fear him because he finally decided to make a site for his little firm, bought the domain and a hosting package and wants me to make it, which obviously resulted in a lot of panic because I don’t know anywhere near enough to make anything fitting for a company, and especially for one from the media sector. I even gave up trying after a couple of days and he hasn’t mentioned it since, so I don’t know what is going to happen with that… What I do know is that I’ll feel like crap either way, whether I’ll somehow end up making it and unavoidably produce a stinking pile of worthless shit or even he’ll see that any effort of mine will result in exactly that and have someone else do it.

On top of that and not connected to any of it, the unavoidable finally happened and Ami really stopped talking to me for good. I can’t say that I didn’t fully expect this ever since the end of 2009, when she really started to reflect her own image of herself and demand that everyone else shares it at all costs, seeing that I don’t and won’t, but that doesn’t make it feel any better now that it happened. Especially since this makes it five out of five people who I’ve ever seen as really important to me and who I’ve felt really close to at least at some point who have stopped talking to me. Also, second one of them who does it clearly because we disagree on an issue, despite the fact that the disagreement had been there ever since we started talking, years before.
At least it did make me finally put my thoughts on sex, gender and gender roles in a post, though I later noticed that I had forgotten a couple of things. Good enough though, especially since I even had to write it twice and spent a good ten hours on it. And perhaps even better that she also offered the perfect opportunity for me put a link to it on a rare public entry posted on her blog the next day, which not only somehow didn’t get deleted (yet), but even resulted in a little discussion on the topic. Not with her, as she didn’t deign to reply anything, but with a few of her friends. It obviously didn’t go anywhere, with them basically saying that my general arguments are completely irrelevant when it comes to them and me basically saying that their personal arguments are completely irrelevant when it comes to anyone who doesn’t already share that view, which includes me, but nobody was expecting to convince anyone of anything anyway…
I just find the whole thing really sad for their cause as well, not to mention any others that are connected to it in any way. Such an “if you don’t agree with me 100%, go fuck yourself” attitude drives away a whole lot of potential support and I’d think that a cause, especially an unpopular one, needs any shred of support it can get, even if only partial. When you basically label someone who otherwise fully supports your right to think, act, look and even alter your body as you see fit as an “enemy” simply because of the third person pronoun chosen to refer to you, especially since that choice is backed by plenty of arguments, I somehow doubt you’re likely to get too far anytime soon…

(So much for this not being a long post…)