Numb…
Don’t the people from Yahoo! think I might not be logged on YIM because I DON’T WANT to be logged on YIM? Integrate YIM with Yahoo! Mail, fine, but don’t make it log on automatically when you check your mail! What the fuck is that???
Earlier today I meant to clean up my Yahoo! address. I don’t use it, but I do that once every few weeks or so. I log on and see the pop-ups informing about integrating IM in Mail. I think no problem, don’t care, didn’t think it’d automatically log me on! Then I look and see that it did! Not only that, it logged me on visible as well. Ok, that’s not the problem, the issue is not that I don’t want people to see me, but that I didn’t want to see her on, knowing how that will affect me.
Anyway, went invisible and then I looked through the off-line messages (mostly stuff sent to the whole list, of course) I got in the year or so since I last logged on, then deleted them. Then denied the friend requests I had, all but one being from people that I either don’t know or don’t know that I know, and I wasn’t sure about that last one either, not that I meant to accept it even if I was. There were also four friend requests listed as being from myself, with an “Undefined” message and no date (1/1/70), in my off-line messages, that I couldn’t get rid of.
Then I meant to log off, but before I did that I saw where it said that six contacts were on-line and I just couldn’t help but look, knowing I’ll assume she was on and react pretty much in the same way if I don’t, just that probably it would hit me later tonight. Actually, I probably would have assumed she was on even if she didn’t show up, thinking she had removed me from the list of people that could see her as available, so there was really no way out once I got there. So I did look and… She was on. Idle, but on-line nevertheless. In the next five seconds, in no particular order, froze from head to toe, arms and legs went numb, head started tingling, was drenched in sweat, started shaking so bad I had a hard time directing the mouse to click log off, heart rate probably went off the chart, would have thrown up if I had anything in my stomach and mind emptied of all else and every possible connection to her flooded in.
That was hours ago, and I’ve spent that time pacing the room, doing one stupid thing after another and trying to do some that weren’t that stupid and failing miserably. I’m still numb, if anyone’s interested, and if I’ll sleep tonight it will be because I collapsed while sitting and hugging the bear…
Need her… Need her to even want to do anything, anything at all… It’s quite easy to find things worth dying for, but it’s so much harder to find somebody worth living for… And then to lose them… Love you and I always will. Hope you’ll never really know how I feel…
