Cav's Place

What’s clear is that, even if I’ll do nothing more than post something on Sunday saying that I’m in no state to post anything else, I’ll still respect my posting rules at the end of this week, because I have one more “slot” left for something personal. In fact, I could say that I have now stuck to those rules for five whole years, since the blog was originally started on April 6, 2007 and there won’t be any real need to post anything else until then, two posts per week possibly meaning even one on Saturday and one on Sunday, after all, so on April 7 and 8.
But… This time I really think this is it. I’ve had bad times before, struggled, was at the very limit of these rules I set for myself, but I still knew that I’ll somehow manage to stick to them and then even recover slightly, which was exactly what happened. But now I really don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t think I can do much of anything anymore. It’s just been too long, there are even more things I’m noticing these days, in fact the latest being yesterday, and whatever little energy I have left I’m trying to put into these protests, so there’s nothing left for writing.

Speaking of protests, there is one against fracking today and another against ACTA tomorrow, and I’ll be trying to go to both. But since today’s protest seems to be planned to include a march to the presidential palace, where it could get ugly, I probably won’t stay long. Besides, I suddenly found myself quite visible and extremely uncomfortable last week, during the first protest on this issue, and the same crowd will be there today as well, most likely trying to use the same tactics to get everyone visibly involved, so I may be walking out of there even before the start of the march, because I certainly won’t put myself through anything like that again.
I have to put everything into perspective and don’t try to push myself past the limit, and at this point I’m just about there already. There are lots of very important issues, including both of these, but I have to see what I can participate in and to what extent, and tomorrow’s protest should be somewhat easier to handle, so I’d rather just stick around for a while today and then leave early in order to still have enough left in me to perhaps get slightly more involved tomorrow than drain myself completely today and then end up not going tomorrow at all. Besides, it looks like it’s going to rain today as well, so I’ll consider it quite enough that I’ll attend at all. Many others will most likely be put off by it anyway.
Being around people that I’m not already close to would be enough to frighten me on its own, so really don’t need it right now, when I’m frightened even without adding something like this to it… But I’ll do my best and see what happens, taking whatever time is left in between to lick my wounds. So, yes, there will be nothing left for writing or anything else, but there you have it. I’ll do my best to be there at least for a short while today, then tomorrow as well, and then I hope that I’ll also be able to go buy some things at the start of next week. What, if anything, will be left of me after that is anyone’s guess.

On a slightly different note, last night’s, or in fact this morning’s, dreams were so scary that by the time I woke up I could hardly even breathe anymore. I’m still very shaken by them, especially since they connect directly to what I noticed yesterday and to some extent to my worst fear, for obvious reasons. And I fear that I’ll do yet another stupid thing soon because of this. Or, more exactly, I’m quite sure I’ll do it, been struggling to put it off for quite some time now, but I hope that I’ll manage to still hold on to some shred of restraint at least until after I’ll also get those things that I need to get next week, because there’s no way I’ll manage anything at all anymore after doing something like this.
So, yes, just in case someone failed to notice it already, I’m a disaster waiting to happen here. Exactly what form it’ll take, I can’t know at this point, but the clock’s ticking and there’s nobody to stop it. Or, more exactly, the one who could certainly won’t. At this point, nobody else could do anything that’d have any significant impact on it anymore. Then again, it’s been so long since I last felt close enough to anyone for that person to be able to do something about anything like this that I think I even forgot that it could be possible… But that’s just it. It’s not possible, is it?

There would be another reason to be frightened that I didn’t even mention here, but I’ll leave that for some other time because it’s not an immediate concern right now. Not that it’ll make any difference whether I write it here or not, but… I guess I’m trying to pretend that it doesn’t exist while I still can. Have quite enough on my plate right now even without it and it does seem that I’ll be able to put off doing something about it for at least a few more weeks without the problem, if it actually exists, getting noticeably worse, so that’s exactly what I plan to do.
For now, I’ll leave it at that and try to get ready to leave. Still have around one hour until I’ll need to walk out the door, but getting at least somewhat ready for something that I expect to drain me so much is anything but easy, not to mention that doing pretty much anything gets rather noticeably more difficult when even breathing’s a problem, wouldn’t you say?