Would Have Been Ten
July 12 was our anniversary. July 12, 2012 would have been our tenth. Unfortunately, it’s just the seventh that I observe alone, serving as a solitary commemoration of the only thing that I ever actually found worth living for, the only thing that ever truly made me think that there is a point and a purpose in life, the only thing that ever made me think of my future in the sense of actually believing that I might have one. It’s yet another bitter, terribly bitter, reminder of what has happened since, where I am now and perhaps also of how I was before meeting her, seeing as there’s little real difference between the two. It was only different while we were together. I was still myself, but sort of an “unlocked” me, if you will. There was that saying after all…
I guess it’s inappropriate to mention this now, but the fact that it would be our tenth anniversary does make my mind go to the moment when she was going to take a bath and just stopped on the hallway, turned around and suddenly announced that she knew what her present for my 30th birthday will be: She’ll find another woman for me to have sex with that day. I perfectly honestly replied that I had no interest in just screwing another woman like that and suggested that we give each other a present by having a threesome on our tenth anniversary instead, but she said that wasn’t going to happen before she’ll be at least 35, reminding me that she wanted to have sex with another woman herself first and only if and when that’ll happen will she start thinking about such possibilities, assuming she’ll like it and once she’ll find someone who’d be interested in me as well.
Well, I still have no interest whatsoever in just screwing someone if it wouldn’t be part of a long-term relationship, though that could also mean a close friendship, not necessarily a romantic relationship. I also still have no interest whatsoever in having sex with another girl without her full knowledge and consent and without at the very least thoroughly discussing every detail of it with her no later than the next day, most preferably just before, just after or perhaps even while having sex with her. And that’s not only a requirement for the first time, but for every time something like this would happen for either of us while it’d still be something rather unusual, before becoming a routine part of a very solid and ongoing polyamorous relationship, if someday it’d come to that. I said that there won’t be anybody after her without her full knowledge, consent and involvement and that’s how it stays. The fact that she left nearly seven years ago doesn’t change what I feel or what I said in any way. My promises are forever…
I guess I’ll just sit here now, listening to sad songs, going through memories and imagining a different future, or perhaps even a different present. Still hoping that this is just a nightmare and someday I’ll wake up and find her next to me, so I’ll give her the biggest hug I can, shower her with kisses, tell her how much I love her and, well, the other things I said in this post’s first paragraph, and then, I don’t know, maybe go and make her some breakfast to serve her in bed or something. But until then, I guess I can still dream… You can dream in a nightmare, right?
Otherwise, there is something else that has probably just happened, but I won’t say anything about it here until I’ll know for sure and, even if I did know now, it wouldn’t be right to mix it with this, or with anything else for that matter. So I’ll leave that for later, when I’ll have some information and also be in a reasonable enough mood to do something with it. Whether that means later this week or at some point during the next one, I have no way of knowing now.
What I can say now, in no way related to what the above paragraph is referring to, is that it would appear that nights are going to become very annoying once again over here after some workers showed up today and appeared to have fixed the large streetlight that’s behind the building, also cutting themselves a path to it and clearing the vegetation in front of it. The problem is that I can’t say that I ever recall that light working and for a long time now the smaller one, which is perhaps some two meters closer, hasn’t been working either, so I thankfully didn’t have any light shining right in front of my window and could even catch a glimpse of a few stars if the sky was clear and I looked up at night. But that all seems to be over now, and I still don’t get why. What you have there are a few small trees and what bushes and weeds manage to recover after being mowed or simply ripped out at the start of each summer, not a road or a parking lot or anything of the sort! And there’s certainly no reason for anyone to go there at night. In fact, I can think of very few reasons for anyone to go there at all, regardless of the time of day…
But at least the writing seems to be going reasonably well at the moment, despite only adding some 50 words to my story over the past two days. I seem to have somehow managed to make myself start working on two related pieces and one of them actually appears to be going quite well while also helping me to finally write down some very important details that had only been in my mind for the past three years or so. The other was harder once I actually started to write it, but that’s because the beginning is still quite unclear, so I guess I’ll have to skip it and write what has already played out in detail in my mind. There’s no rush to finish it, after all, seeing as I was only planning to write this a few years from now…
