Cav's Place

Nasty today, waking up the second time around 11:10 AM without feeling like I was about to piss myself, so wasn’t quite sure why, but figured it out when I went to the toilet anyway and heard my mother talking loudly with someone in the kitchen, leaving me stunned for a moment due to the fact that someone else was here. And after that phones were ringing, she was talking loudly on the phone, then started making something in the kitchen too… Managed to catch some more bits of sleep and eventually only got up around 1:30 PM, so I may have actually slept more than I otherwise did in recent days, when it probably was between four and five and a half hours or so, but I’m not sure how much this very fragmented part that got added on top of the five hours and a bit counts.

So here I am now, writing this before getting back to Disciples. Not sure how I’ll get myself out of the current situation though, no matter how many times I’ll reload a save. Just barely managed to somehow find a way out of the first bad situation in this fourth Undead scenario yesterday, reloading that save and trying small changes in strategy until I could get the AI to do what I wanted it to in order for me to just barely win that battle, using all the useful potions and scrolls I had found before then. And the problem is that I can’t reload an earlier save, because I’ve been overwriting the same one, and also can’t load the save it makes at the start of a scenario, because my hero gained a level after the last battle of the previous scenario, resulting in the screen to pick the new ability showing up at the start of this one, but it would appear that the save it automatically makes at the start of the scenario doesn’t register this, because I tried to load it again and had the hero at level 7, but no screen to select a new ability and the effects of the ability I had selected weren’t applied, so restarting that way would mean losing that 25% damage bonus I had selected.
Then again, the one brief guide I found does mention that the Undead campaign is the most difficult and the units and heroes are also likely the weakest, which I of course wasn’t aware of when I picked it as the second one to try, after the Empire one, which that same guide says is clearly the easiest thanks to healing. And I also had two scares in the previous scenario as well, one at around the same turn as now, when I also thought I was going to lose, and another one much later, after finally figuring out how to get through that initial moment and then slowly gaining control of my part of the map, when I was pinned down by wave after wave of relatively weak armies sent my way, which couldn’t defeat the two I had but which required them to stay exactly where they were and me to use all the generated death mana just to defend, ending up losing any new armies or heroes and also cities if I tried to move the main ones or save mana. And yet I did eventually manage to find a way through, even if just barely, and then actually had to abandon a city to an enemy so I won’t win too quickly, allowing me to explore the rest of the map and eventually win in style, attacking a capital for the first time and winning, without any need to reload saves. Did take three battles though, the maximum battle length being reached and my units automatically fleeing twice before I could finally kill that thing, despite using all relevant items found over the course of the scenario.
So maybe I’ll figure out a way past this as well, but I’ll definitely need to abandon a city and therefore also allow the enemy to explore what had been my corner of the map, allowing it to then cast spells in that area as well. My main hero would have won this battle, but at the moment she’s some distance away, after I finally moved outside of that corner after defeating that first tough army, which included a blue dragon when I was still wandering around with just two level two units and one level three one in my hero’s army. So the other one I recruited is now facing another army, which this time includes a green dragon, which may be significantly weaker than a blue one but is still too much for a level two hero with level one units, when I don’t even have much mana to help either, nor useful items left. With this scenario seeming terribly unfair, with the AI obviously starting with powerful spells and plenty of resources while I had nothing, I definitely wouldn’t shy away from once again reloading a save and trying to trick it into giving me a chance until I somehow found a way, but there really doesn’t seem to be any way to do this with that hero, no matter how many times I’d try.

Otherwise, still say I really should start reading something, but so far still didn’t. Not unless you count my own story, I mean, because I do continue just reading that, still not making even the slightest edit. It’s going slowly even so, as I just read for a little while before going to bed, but I got to chapter eight at least.
Needless to say, I haven’t written anything other than these personal posts since I stopped writing in this story of mine… But at least, still only thanks to the “Books” category, I still have a buffer of 50 non-personal posts at the moment, so I won’t even really need to write another one of those for the rest of the year. Sure hope I will though, because otherwise next year I’ll also have to give up on the idea of having more non-personal posts than personal ones.

First things first: Something strange happened and the “emergency” post I initially wrote nearly a year ago and which has since been set to post at 11:59 PM on Sunday, the date being changed after writing each week’s second post, showed up this last Sunday. I’m absolutely certain I moved it then as well, but perhaps I forgot to click “Update”, because there it was and I only noticed it four hours and 20 minutes later, during which time the server logs show five hits, three of them quite obviously bots, one coming from RSS and another that didn’t obviously reveal itself as a bot. So, just in case somebody did see it, sorry about that, what it says must probably have happened in order for it to appear is not the case.

Moving on, yesterday the plan was to first see what that registered letter was about and then buy some things, not planning to go out again this week, unless perhaps there will be another march I’ll agree with Sunday, but uncertain even of that. Unfortunately, the registered letter in question complicated matters a bit, because it was a notification, with my correct Personal Numeric Code (CNP) and address and first and last name but a wrong middle name, that due to not paying the fine from 2013, as in the one that was annulled in court, the verdict also being upheld after the Gendarmerie’s appeal, they’ll hold current and future money from an account at BRD which I don’t have, until said fine will be paid in full. The person who handed me the notification when I went to pick it up said that it sadly happened before, asking whether I had proof of the verdict and, after I said yes, that I should call the number listed in order to have it sorted out. And that was after first, due to the issue with the name, asking me whether I wanted to take it in the first place and agreeing to open it there in order to check whether it was actually for me or not.
Didn’t come right back after picking it up though, instead going to the hypermarket I go to most often to pick up a few things, then checking the schedule of the local branch of the local tax office on my way back and finding that I could just barely make it. So I ran to quickly grab my copy of the final verdict, after the appeal, not wasting time to find the initial one as well, and rushed right there with moments to spare, the guard being about to lock the door and someone from the staff already on her way out. But it wasn’t quite the end of the schedule yet, so after wandering around in confusion for a bit, the guard asked me what I wanted, I told him, he got a ticket for me from the machine and told me where I should go, and I ended up the last person left, making the poor employee who had to handle such matters stay after all others had left. At first one other staff member stayed with her to look through the decision while she also corrected my name in their records and also filled in my phone number, but then she was left alone, saying it had been a crazy day with this sort of things, so I guess somebody went crazy trying to squeeze every possible penny out of everyone and made a lot of messes that some other poor soul like her had to fix.
Either way, in the end it was sorted out, or at least I hope it was, because she also took some more time to go upstairs to make a copy of the decision for their records and, after initially saying she can’t stamp it because everyone else left and I’ll have to come back the next day to pick up something to give to the bank, she said they’ll also send that notification to the bank at the end of the week, since if I say I don’t have an account there it’s not urgent to lift the block on whatever may have been blocked. Still wondering what that’s about though, and not sure I trust them to handle the matter, but she offered to do that and I just agreed, and as far as I can tell it’s not like it will affect me even if it does get messed up again, so let’s see.

The thing is that I could just direct anger well enough to manage to get that done then, and later also went back out to drop off the recyclables and then get to two other hypermarkets, for a few more things, but it was getting harder and harder to hold it together as time passed and today it really hit me. So here I am, blinds staying drawn and wanting to just sort of curl up in a ball, at least mentally. But at least I played some more Disciples and seem to have turned the situation in that scenario around in my favor for good. Did experience the first crash though, just before I meant to quit anyway, but since it saves automatically at the end of each turn it wasn’t a problem, and then I did get back to it to do the thing which had triggered the crash again and the issue didn’t repeat itself.

But before ending this, let me also get back to Sunday, when I meant to go to the march and then also to Bucur Square, as in the one in front of the Communist-era factory where the Colectiv club used to be, assuming I’ll get back late even if the march somehow won’t take place, and well after midnight, likely even after 1 AM, if it will. The reason for this second destination was that one of those injured in the Colectiv club fire, and whose girlfriend had died in that same fire, had killed himself the day before, and July 30 also marked a year and nine months since the fire, so a commemorative event taking place in Bucur Square and lasting through the night, between 8 PM and 8 AM, was announced.
Getting back to the march, with people being asked to gather starting at 7:30 PM but the start time being announced as 8:30 PM, I walked there and didn’t leave too early, only making my way into the area after 8 PM, when only some 50 others were there. Shortly after that, one of the organizers asked whether we should just give up on the march, which was supposed to target the headquarters of the two parties that form the ruling coalition, PSD and ALDE, as well as that of PNL, which is supposed to be the main opposition party but in practice hardly does anything in the Parliament and in local councils even allies with PSD and ALDE at times, and head to Colectiv directly, joining those already there. Most, or at least most of those who said anything, seemed to agree, and I definitely agreed and said so, but the other organizers didn’t, wanting to stick to the original plan in order to maintain their serious image, and a few other participants suggested either simply staying there or that, if we were to go to Colectiv, we should take the metro or buses and use the opportunity to deliver the message to the people we’ll find around us on the way.
After discussions which didn’t last that long but during which a few people seemed to have already left, the peak of 80 or so being reached before they ended, all organizers grudgingly agreed to go to Colectiv and around 8:40 PM we were moving, though at first it was just four of us, the one who had initially announced this change of plans saying he had already told everyone, using the loudspeaker, that we were leaving and won’t sit there and beg those who won’t move. He did wait a bit longer though, so I also waited a little farther away, and in the end a handful of others also came, but we were only about 20 or so, or maybe 30 if you add those who decided to drive or use public transportation. And then even that group also split, those at the front deciding to go on Victoriei for some reason, which was a route that didn’t make much sense and a few chose not to follow.
I did go with them at first, but they were walking very slowly and I just got bored of waiting, so soon enough I just went ahead on my own, finally reaching Bucur Square around 9:50 PM, obviously finding some of those who had chosen faster means of transportation already there, and spending some 20 minutes there, also taking some pictures, as I had also done in Victory Square. Also “managed” to burn my right thumb when placing my candle among the others, which in a way seems oddly fitting, considering… Quite a blister formed in that place and then it broke when I put on my shoes to go out the second time yesterday.
One last thing to mention is that I first meant to go to a hypermarket that’s in the Unirii Square area on my way back, knowing that it had a nonstop schedule and meaning to spare myself a trip the next day. But I ended up there and saw the doors closed and an announcement that, apparently due to some work being done, the schedule had to be restricted, so it closed at 10 PM and it was already 10:25 PM when I got there. But I guess it worked out for the best, because one of the things I had initially meant to get from there was cheaper and better in another place the next day, and I probably would have still made that second trip and checked both places anyway.

No, there’s no connection between the two parts of this post’s title, but I didn’t read anything this month, so I’m falling behind the goal of sticking to at least one book per month, which is all too little anyway. Still uncertain what to start though, and that’s a good part of the reason why I didn’t. One option would be to continue Mistborn after the original trilogy, with Alloy of Law, another would be The Blind Dragon, which I picked up as a free ebook at some point and find myself rather interested in for some reason, and the third option would normally be Sapiens. On the other hand, I find myself again considering finally getting around to The Riftwar Saga, the problem of course being that the first two books are from those I brought with me when I got thrown back here and didn’t read right away, so reading them now would feel like “using up” another potential connection out of the ever fewer ones remaining.

Moving on to games, started the Undead campaign after finishing the Empire one in Disciples, got to the third scenario… And seem to be about to lose. Was reasonably confident I could make it through that more difficult part after 30 turns, but at 40 turns I seem to be losing both one city and, far more importantly, my main hero. Tried reloading and approaching the issue in different ways, but the outcome seems to be the same. And, with any shred of mental balance being so fragile, I almost crashed when I realized that, two nights ago, and didn’t play any more since. Hope it won’t make me abandon it so quickly, but I really don’t want to start over, and care even less to leave this campaign for later and start another instead, to learn more before giving it another try, since it would appear that the Undead campaign is the hardest, which I of course didn’t know when I selected it.

One somewhat good thing is that I did run again yesterday, so at the moment I’m planning to skip next week, even though the current forecast says that Monday would allow a run. The time was 49:19, with sector times of 4:27, 5:20, 6:05, 4:33, 5:10, 6:04, 4:35, 5:12, 6:02 and 1:51, making for lap times of 15:52, 15:47 and 15:49. All three laps under 16 minutes and a nice third lap, despite the fact that I didn’t push except during the first lap’s first sector, trying to clear my mind, and the third lap’s third sector, noticing that getting under 49:30 was entirely possible even though the goal until then had been just to stay under 50 minutes.

Tomorrow I’m thinking of going to a protest again. Though the numbers dropped drastically, getting to as little as a few hundred participants or maybe even less, the media attention pretty much vanished, not even some sources that usually followed these Sunday marches mentioning last week’s, and the gendarmes have been causing issues and only allowing the people to march on the sidewalk, if at all, these Sunday marches did keep being organized, but I haven’t bothered with them in quite a while because I didn’t like the messages and the requests. But this time the route is supposed to include the headquarters of PSD and ALDE, which are the two parties that form the ruling coalition, and PNL, which is the one that’s supposed to be the main opposition party but in practice it sure doesn’t look like it, and protesting against PSD and ALDE and demanding far more from PNL is something I can support, despite obviously not expecting anything positive from any of the three.
After that, I guess Monday I have to go see what registered letter I should have received Friday. That’s also why I was trying to clear my mind at the start of Friday’s run, since I found the notification in the door when I went out and I have no idea what it’s about, so I’m quite worried. But speaking of that notification, according to the time written on it, it was placed there less than ten minutes before I went out the door, probably while I was brushing my teeth, which makes me wonder if the person supposed to deliver it even bothered to ring. Not that I’d have answered, but I definitely didn’t hear anything.

And I guess it’s a good thing that Eurosport decided to broadcast the matches from the Emirates Cup and therefore not broadcast one of the matches from the Women’s Euro today, because I meant to watch that and see about writing this at half time and in between the matches and I’m not sure if I’d have managed it, since I’ve been struggling with it for two hours now. Guess they’ll be doing the same tomorrow, but I couldn’t have watched tomorrow’s first match anyway, and if I’ll catch anything even of the second depends on when I’ll get back from the march, assuming there will be one in the first place.

Actually slept well this morning, for the first time in a long time. Had been getting five or so hours each morning again for quite a while, maybe six if I was lucky, always split due to having to wake up to go to the bathroom, usually twice before actually getting up for good, sometimes when I had to go the third time, sometimes when there was too much noise or it just didn’t seem like I could get back to sleep well enough anyway. But now, tired and, I’m sure, also somewhat dehydrated after yesterday, it was past 1:30 PM when I got out of bed. Did wake up a few times, but just went right back to sleep in moments, not needing to go to the toilet, not tossing and turning, and apparently not even kept awake by any noise. And I did have my window open and after waking up I also heard a bit of hammering and drilling, so I’m sure there was more of that earlier as well.

But before getting to yesterday, I’m going to mention that Tuesday I had to take back the book loaned from the Library for dad, and that was rather unpleasant because it rained that day. The initial plan was to go later, in the evening, as it closed at 8 PM and the forecast I saw before going to bed that morning mentioned some small chance of storms in the afternoon, but clearing later. Yet when I woke up a storm was quite clearly coming and the forecast said it will indeed start and only get worse as time passed, so after eating a little and spending some time on-line, I got dressed, wrapped the book in two plastic bags with a cloth one in between, and went out… Right when it started raining. Felt a few drops as soon as I stepped out of the building, but just a few minutes later it was seriously raining and it continued all the way there, so I got quite soaked, though fortunately the book didn’t.
Felt a bit silly there, because I only noticed that one of those terminals had been installed there as well after giving the first volume back to the person working there, waiting for her to actually come to the desk, and then bringing the second one to her as well and having her do everything manually. Guess I’ll have to keep it in mind when I’ll return it, so I won’t have to deal with people again and so I won’t bother them either. And so I’ll be out of there as soon as possible, because that particular branch sure is one I’d rather not have anything to do with again, seeming to be dedicated to children and a fair number being there.
Either way, what’s interesting is that the initial forecast was more accurate, the rain dying down when I got back out and the sky clearing well before I got to the hypermarkets I also checked out under these circumstances, grabbing just a few things. Even had time to pretty much dry on the way. And then I also grabbed a cake from a confectionery spotted on the way, deciding to tell dad that I’m thinking of charging him 5 RON ($1.28 or €1.10 at the day’s rate) for the trip to cover for said cake, though it actually cost 4.5 RON. And I did tell him that and he said I can charge him, but I’m yet to see the 5 RON, which he probably forgot about right after, if he even took me seriously in the first place.

Now, yesterday. It started with this week’s run, which may end up being this week’s first run, because tomorrow seems to be a good day for running and next week doesn’t exactly seem promising at the moment, so I may just get it out of the way. But, to get back to yesterday, the time was 49:42, with sector times of 4:32, 5:20, 6:08, 4:33, 5:06, 6:09, 4:37, 5:17, 6:09 and 1:51, making for lap times of 16:00, 15:48 and 16:03. That was exactly as intended, since it was sunny and rather hot and I didn’t want to tire myself too much either, so I just wanted to stay under 50 minutes and wasn’t even particularly keen on staying under 16 minutes for the first and third laps, thinking I’ll recover enough on the second lap and that final sector to be safe, which was exactly what I did.

However, if my timing was just right for the run, that was no longer the case later, starting even with leaving to go to the hypermarket I usually go to, to get bread. Meant to leave around 3 PM and it was past 3:30 PM when I finally did. Then, after trying that recycling machine one more time and apparently messing it up after trying to make it accept some pressed plastic bottles again the same way it accepted the pressed cans, failing to do so and having it display and error and a message to ask for the help of the technical staff, I grabbed the 0.08 RON ticket it printed for the one bottle and one can it had accepted before that, dropped the rest off along with a printer cartridge, and went in, meaning to just quickly grab the bread and be out in time to catch the 4:45 PM bus they provide.
Well, that didn’t work, because I found cheap watermelons and decided to grab one, which meant spending some time picking it and cutting it quite close either way, and those watermelons were large, so running to catch the small bus while carrying one may have been rather difficult. As such, I decided to wander around, grab some more things, and only make my way out around 5:10 PM, in time for the next bus, at 5:20 PM. And I was out of the hypermarket itself at 5:18 PM, even though I again tried, and again failed, to figure out how to use that ticket, and also again had a particularly hard time getting the machine to accept a 50 RON bill, plus that an older man got rather in my face and seemed to expect me to step aside and let him use the machine I was using, since he could be sure it accepted cash payments and didn’t seem to believe the older woman he was with that the one she had chosen was the same, even though I couldn’t have done that even if I’d have wanted to, having already scanned my ticket.
The problem was that, maybe in part because of that older man making my brain give some errors, I was suddenly convinced that the bus was leaving at 5:25 PM, so I calmly stopped and rearranged everything in my bags, calmly walking out and only realizing I was late when I heard other people talk about the next bus that was scheduled. As such, I had to take that one, get dropped some distance away and have to walk while carrying three bags, one of them containing a watermelon weighing just over nine kilograms. That bag also tore under the weight, one of the handles tearing completely just as I was crossing the street in front of the building, but it lasted just long enough in the end.

I walked in at 5:55 PM, 15 minutes later than the latest time the schedule I had made for myself allowed. Still, I was sure that the event supposed to take place in front of the Polish embassy, to show solidarity with the Polish protesters, was to start at 7 PM, and I had asked dad to leave me a metro card, so I only wanted to leave at 6:30 PM. That didn’t give me time to get on-line again, as I had things to put in their proper place first, but I had checked things after my run, so thought I didn’t need to, feeling quite content when I actually managed to be out the door just before 6:30 PM and at the embassy pretty much exactly at 7 PM.
I had noticed one person I knew talking to a couple of others on my way there, but assumed they had stopped for a moment and will also come shortly after me, not that they were leaving. But after I got there, at about the same time as a couple of others I didn’t know, I learned that the event had actually been from 6 PM and it was pretty much over by then, only a few people being left, those who organized it. And as soon as I was told that I realized that, while the fact that there was another event I had been “interested” in yesterday morning, in front of the City Hall, meant I only had a notification about having two events that day before going to bed, only that one was left by the time I got on-line after my run, at which point I actually saw the time listed as 6 PM, but must have been so certain it was 7 PM that I must have simply ignored it. And no, the time wasn’t changed, I simply read it wrong somehow, having been convinced it was 7 PM all along. So it can’t quite be said that I attended that event, though since those two others were also there and one more person, in a red and white dress too, arrived a few minutes later, we were also handed some signs to hold and a picture was taken so there will be a record that we were there as well, even if not at the same time as the others. Not that there had been many others to begin with, someone saying about 30 before checking a picture and revising that count to “at least 22”.
What that meant was that I had used the metro for what I’m pretty sure is the first time since going to the half marathon for no reason, just wasting a trip. Obviously walked back from there, the embassy being close to Victory Square and this year’s protests meaning I’m now used to making that trip on foot as well, despite the distance. Didn’t make up for the used trip, of course, but at least there weren’t two of them and, after only spending ten minutes at the embassy, I was still back around the same time I had assumed I’ll be back at if using the metro both ways, if not even a little earlier. But it sure was weird, and embarrassing, to miss the event, and also that bus earlier, due to somehow ending up convinced that I should have been there at the wrong time.

Got out of bed around 12:45 PM today, meaning to start writing a post as soon as possible, since I had planned to write it yesterday and gave up. But, somehow, I’m starting it only now, at 5:40 PM. Admittedly, it was clear and quiet when I got up, so went to the kitchen, quickly looked through a couple of things that were there, made myself something to eat, took the stuff to my room around 2 PM and then ate while looking at things on-line, but this sure is a long delay. Not that it’s in any way unexpected, and at least I am writing it now instead of delaying it again.

To start with the good, this week’s run was Wednesday and I managed a new record for ten kilometers: 48:28! Four seconds better than the previous record may not seem much, but it sure counts, and even more so since it means getting below the 48:30 threshold. Was thinking back then that the 1:48 final sector managed then gives me a chance to do this, and lately I did learn just how and how much I can push to get under 1:45 on it if I really go for it every step of the way, obviously assuming I still have enough energy for such a push, and this is exactly what happened.
Sector times were 4:29, 5:12, 5:55, 4:26, 5:04, 5:56, 4:34, 5:06, 6:03 and 1:43, making for lap times of 15:36, 15:26 and 15:43. So the fastest ever second lap and matching the fastest ever third lap, but I also compared the sector and lap times to those managed at the time of that previous record, and that was a bit interesting. As I was running, I was thinking that the first lap’s second sector will cost me the chance to attack the record, but this comparison shows that wasn’t the problem, as I only lost then the three seconds gained over the first sector, probably as a result of pushing to just squeeze ahead of that little train pulled by a tractor just before it reached the bridge, as I was overtaking it on the inside and it was driving close to the wall, so I feared I’ll have no room to pass if I won’t get here first. As such, it can be said that the four seconds lost over the first lap were actually lost over its third sector, then they were gained back over the first two sectors of lap two. But the end of lap two saw me one second behind, which second was again lost over sector three. And sector three was the problem in lap three as well, the five seconds gained over sector two being lost there and leaving me still one second behind at the start of that short final sector. But five seconds better there meant four better overall.
The weather definitely wasn’t the best for such an attempt, with a reported temperature up to 30°C and some gusts of wind, but there were some clouds too and, of course, most of the route is in the shade, so it worked. Not that I actually meant to try it until after the first lap, but when I noticed that it might just be possible, I gave it a go. Didn’t actually believe I’ll manage it until after sector two of lap three though, but then I noticed that I had gained enough to make it all just about add up in my mind, so I just gave it my best shot and there it was.

Wednesday also marked something else though: It was the first day after seven full years when I didn’t add anything in my story. Had written two scenes before starting to write every day, so all this time I decided to take the start date as July 17, 2010 in order to make it easier to calculate the number of days of writing, but I actually started to write daily on July 19, 2010, so July 18, 2017 marked seven full years of daily writing. That was the deadline I had set for myself, aiming to drag this chapter on until that day, finish it then and then stop writing. And that was exactly what I did.
Interestingly, knowing I won’t have to do it anymore and just feeling, shall we say, unshackled of it produced a somewhat passable bit of text that evening. After barely writing a line or two most of the time lately, just pointlessly dragging on even more than before, wanting not to get to the end of the chapter before the deadline I had set, I managed over 400 words that evening, and it made some sense too, despite writing most of it while sort of watching, or mainly listening to, a match as well. It was a bit cut short, as dragging it on like this resulted in one of the longest chapters yet and I wanted to finish it without going past the end of the page, so had to make it fit, but it still seems noticeably less awful than what I’ve been adding for a long time. And it even ends with a bit of hope, for the characters at least.
The end of that chapter is just that, the end of a chapter, and probably a somewhat forced one at that, as it doesn’t quite follow the rules I had set for ending chapters. It’s not even the end of a part of the book, definitely nowhere near the planned end of the book itself, and let’s not even mention the entire story. But this is where I was and this is where I’m stopping and giving up. No idea what comes next, but I’m not struggling with it that way anymore. Struggling to keep at it daily would have probably never even have resulted in me adding another bit like this, much less anything actually worthwhile.
It’s not a clear decision to never get back to it, far from it, but I kept saying that the only thing keeping me going was that I just kept going, that I was adding something, however little and however pointless, every day, and that once I’ll skip a day it’ll be over, I won’t get back. That still seems likely, and I’d say I could deal with trying to edit it even less than I could with continuing to try to write. But I did start reading it from the beginning, albeit not even finishing the first chapter in two days now, and I mean to finally track the passage of time and figure out when seasons and the weather should be changing. But I’m making a point of forcing my brain out of “editing mode” and not making any changes, no matter how obvious the need may seem. Planning to not even correct typos, in case I’ll find any.
And while I’m at it, looked up the post in which I mention starting to write daily, though I don’t actually state what “other plan of mine” I’m talking about. Was saying there that, at that point, I had managed to keep posting on my blog according to the schedule I had set for over three years, so maybe I’ll manage something similar with this other thing as well. And in the end I kept at it for seven full years. But I’ve now been posting at least two posts per week on the blog for over ten years. Not that there’s any point in any of it. In fact, as I was writing a month later, “it’s really frustrating how I’m creating these schedules for myself, serving only to force me to do things I know I can’t do right, so only adding to the frustration and hopelessness and despair. Or, perhaps more often, serving to just keep me going from one point to another of the routine instead of just crashing and curling up in a ball in a corner, with my arms wrapped around myself and rocking back and forth, going completely insane as I feel I ought to, because this isn’t manageable in any way anymore…” Seven years later without the necessary miracle happening, it’s all obviously even less manageable than it was then. Maybe the pain is a bit duller on the average day, but only because that much more of me has died because of it since then.

Moving on to other matters, Tuesday I went to that farmers’ market again to use just about all of what little I had left to get some more apricots and green onions, plus this year’s first plums and some apples again. The apricots and green onions were planned, the plums so and so, as I meant to have a good look and decide there. The apples weren’t planned though, and while I had seen a few start to bring new ones lately and was considering having a look, I ended up buying them from the other sector, not the one for individual producers, and they definitely look standardized and one even had a little label on it, but they’re good, the price was good, and the tag claimed they’re Romanian, so I shouldn’t feel bad about it.
But I guess what I should be mentioning more is the fact that I kept my eyes out for cherry plums, in particular the yellow ones, on the way, after noticing before how full of fruit they are and how many of those fruit just fall and get squashed. Had grabbed just two cherry plums on the way once before, and Tuesday I grabbed five, despite meaning to get a few from each tree I passed by that I could grab some from. I just couldn’t get myself to stay there long enough and make the effort while being so visible, despite the fact that it’s just a complete and pointless waste if they’re not picked and eaten or otherwise used.

Didn’t leave it like that though, going back out Thursday. The first plan was to once again try using that machine for recycling plastic bottles and aluminum cans that’s at the hypermarket I usually go to, because only two bottles and four cans had gathered and only two of the cans had been pressed, so that problem should have been avoided for the rest and I already knew it worked if they weren’t pressed. And it did work, so after wandering around and eventually also sitting for quite some time while others who had come with huge bags of bottles were using said machine, I put all of mine in, plus one more bottle which I had picked up off the pavement on the way. Yes, that means I could even make it accept the pressed cans by making them slide in, pushing them with a bit of force after the belt started, before it reversed. Seems like the machine will try to throw them out if it can, but if they end up inside, past the belt, it will recognize them. Couldn’t manage the same thing with the two bottles left by someone else there, which for some reason it considered “nonconforming” and threw out faster than I could push in, but those weren’t mine to begin with, so I took my 0.27 RON ticket and went into the hypermarket, wondering what I could do with it and the 0.74 RON I otherwise still had on me, 0.17 RON of which having been found on the floor as I was wandering around.
Well, in the end I decided to get a few cucumbers, the price for the quantity I put in the bag being 0.82 RON, so 0.55 RON plus the ticket. But I had no idea how to use the ticket and felt too awkward to go with just that ticket and coins to one of the cashiers where you can still pay directly, not using a machine after a person just scans the items, so I just tried to slide it into the slot for tickets even if that may be referring to a different kind of tickets and it didn’t give any sign of recognizing that something was there. I just pushed it all the way in and, with no reaction from the machine, simply lost it as a result, leaving me 0.07 RON short, as I had found one more 0.01 RON coin there. And I also couldn’t get the machine to accept three 0.01 RON coins, so I still had 0.10 RON to pay and no way to do it, leaving me with three options: Go back and explain I won’t be buying the cucumbers after all, somehow actually ask someone for 0.10 RON, or leave the machine blocked and wander around the area, openly searching for and gathering coins, since at least 0.01 RON ones tend to be left by people. And, while it made me very visible, at least this last option didn’t require me to speak, so that was exactly what I did, needing to go around twice before I found as much as I needed, as I came back the first time after I had enough in total but, while I could make the machine accept one of those three coins by throwing it in along with the new ones, it kept spitting the last two back out.
Either way, after that embarrassing situation, breathing a sigh of relief that I just noticed a guard keeping his eyes on me but nobody actually approached, I walked back, meaning to move on to the second purpose of the trip, which was to gather cherry plums, after having kept my eyes out for the trees on the way and having noticed that there were some that were easy to reach at the edge of the retroceded part of the park, so in an area where I won’t be so visible while gathering. And I eventually came back with just under 600 grams, most of them yellow but also some red ones, some picked from the park, some gathered from the pavement if they still looked very well after having fallen from trees lining the streets, some more from trees at the back of parking lots right here on the street, maybe just a few from trees lining the street itself.
Should have gathered way more, especially from the park, and I may well try again, but I still couldn’t persuade myself to stay and do what I meant to do where I could be visible otherwise, and in the part of the park I entered a fire had just started. It wasn’t right where I had entered the park and there were four trees right there that I could have gathered more from, but I ignored one because the fruit were purple, so I wasn’t quite certain about them, and then I still couldn’t quite persuade myself to stay in one place and seriously gather, feeling a need to move on and therefore needing to get back out so I won’t walk into the fire and the firefighters who had arrived there.
Otherwise, there was a moment, in front of a nearby clinic, when I approached a tree in order to gather a little and met eye to eye with a guy who for some reason had his shirt up and seemed about to piss, or at least I assume he was about to piss and not jerk off, on the other side of that green area. So I gave up on the tree and bent to pick a few off the pavement, so I won’t be looking right at the pissing, or probably pissing, guy, then kept walking, also going right past some, I assume, parents with their child, as they were asking him if what he needed was to pee or to poop. So I guess it’s quite clear what that green area’s used for, making it a good thing I picked the fruit off the pavement outside it. And would have wanted to try gathering from at least one other tree that was there, but an older man was already there when I got to it, gathering quite seriously, so I left him to it.

And it’s now over four hours since I started writing this post. Admittedly, also sort of watched a match and I’m starting to watch another just now, seeing as the Women’s Euro is taking place these days, and a bit earlier dad called me over for a bit, and considering the length of this post I’d have said that I wrote it quickly even if I’d have done nothing else during these just over four hours. But these pointless personal updates, these public diary entries if you will, do end up like this pretty much all the time, don’t they?

Oh, one more thing: I could continue playing Disciples I after the earlier problems, so I’m at the third scenario now, even though my mouse is definitely double clicking again. Maybe it’d have still worked even normally if I’d have been sufficiently patient, but I didn’t want to risk that again and I still don’t even now, though for some reason it starts quickly again. The way I’m doing it now is starting it directly from its main executable, not the GOG launcher, after disabling DirectDraw and DirectSound and selecting Windows 98 / Windows Me compatibility mode and all compatibility settings except 256 colors. How much of that is necessary, I don’t know, because it seemed not to work even this way, but it eventually started as I was looking through processes to see what was going on, and for a while that was how it worked, needing a few minutes to actually start. But, as I said, now it suddenly decided to start almost right away again, and I have no idea why. Not that I’m complaining. But no, as long as it works like this, I’m not going to try again to start it the way the GOG version would be supposed to be started.