Despite knowing that it’s a very dangerous thing to do, I couldn’t help myself and thought about my future these days. The conclusion was the one that should be obvious to anyone with a functional brain, namely that the only thing my future holds is moping around here, undead, until dad either retires, becomes ill or dies, at which point I’ll starve to death.
That is, of course, unless something that’s completely out of my hands and nothing short of a miracle happens, namely that I’ll somehow end up with Andra before that day comes. That’s the only thing I can hope for, though even so being happy seems out of the question, considering how I realized she had changed during that time we talked at the end of 2007 and start of this year. It’s just that it’d be far better to be unhappy with her than depressed without her. Plus that if I’d be unhappy then I’d at least know that it’s due to getting what I wanted, so I’m to blame for it. I guess you know things are really bad when you wish you could at least be unhappy due to your own choices instead of because of the actions (or inaction) of others or because of things that just happen.
Or, since there are always at least three choices, I could just die before either of those things could happen. Would have been a blessing some time ago, but now I’m certain that if that would happen it’d be after what would afterwards be described as “a long and terrible suffering”, which would likely begin just when something would be starting to go well, so I could be fucked over by death just as much as I am by life.
That should give you an idea about my current frame of mind and why I haven’t exactly been writing anything here in quite some time. It’s hard enough to get myself going even in my “normal” state. Not that my “normal” state is any good, but it’s not quite this bad.
Dad got a virus a while back and there is not much you can do about that one other than format and reinstall Windows and any other affected programs. At first he said he’s too busy to waste a day on that (or for me to waste a day on that, more exactly), so I’m just getting to it these days. The joy…
That’s how I’m feeling… I really don’t feel like doing anything, it’s just so pointless… Need to stay obsessed with something in order to be able to do anything, the moment something happens to lower my interest in my current obsession I drop right back to that familiar place where all I want to do is curl up into a ball and never wake up again.
Was quite surprised to notice that I didn’t feel especially bad on the 25th, three years since she kicked me out of the room, but I assume a lot of effort was required for that, effort I wasn’t really aware of making. Felt bad enough on the 24th, knowing that day would come, and then again afterwards. And the US Open is a very sharp reminder of that time each year…
As for the obsessions that barely keep me afloat (though I doubt that’s the proper term)…
Last week it was Civilization IV. Wanted to play it properly now, after struggling with it on my old computer, waiting for up to 20 minutes for one turn to complete at the end despite running it with minimum settings. I see Sid Meier‘s games as a challenge, I have to win once and then be done with it, but this time I tried it again to see what the game really has to offer while running on a computer that supports it properly. So I won it, built the spaceship in 1914. Rather low difficulty, warlord (level three out of nine), but I’m not about to try harder ones, I want to be able to win by playing fair. The game speed was “marathon”, of course. Low score, 4515 “normalized”, said my place in history was that of Warren G. Harding. Third from the bottom, so it could have been worse. The first time I won, by the same method, sometime around 1985, I think it told me I was Ethelred the Unready, second from the bottom. I guess that’s what you get for playing fair, no wars except defensive ones, working with the environment instead of destroying it and so on.
As for now, I’m playing The Bard’s Tale. It’s wickedly fun! Or at least it would be if they would have allowed free saves in the PC version instead of keeping the save point concept from the console versions, because some areas can be quite difficult… Still, this is one game that will make you laugh out loud and for that it’s certainly worth playing. Rather sad that it seems to have been released and then forgotten… It also officially doesn’t work under Vista, but if you set XP compatibility mode for both the installer and the actual game it seems to do just fine, excepting some minor glitches when it comes to movies.
As a side note, I’m also losing myself a lot in a certain song these days. It’s been a while since I had something on repeat for so long… That kind of mood again, I guess…
Finally got a bookcase, so the books don’t have to be piled up on the floor anymore. But why do they make the shelves so far apart? Every bookcase I see has them 35 cm apart, but I’m yet to see a book that’s 35 cm tall! So I set them closer together, since thankfully they’re adjustable, hoping you could at least buy a couple more and add them. Turns out that you can’t, meaning that right now I only have shelves on the top half of it, so I guess the next plan of action is to have a carpenter make a couple more just like these. Luckily there is a door on the bottom, so if the color will be slightly off it won’t show.
The chair should also be replaced next month, hopefully, then the next move will concern carpets. I see a lot of trouble there, in between size requirements, design and material preferences and tight budget constraints… But I’ll see when I get there, I only had the bed, the desk and this old chair in here for the past three months, I’m not getting my hopes up when it comes to putting things back together.
This would be some of the best news I’ve seen in quite some time if it’d spread. But the usual problem with such things is that when something seems too good to be true it usually is, and saying that people whose shared files are valued at less than 3000 Euros, considering a song as being worth one Euro and a movie 15 Euros, will not be prosecuted regardless of any claims made by the copyright holders certainly fits that “too good to be true” bill. I foresee a lot of opposition to this, so I sure hope they can hold firm.
Of course there is still a long way to go from simply not prosecuting if it’s within certain limits to making it fully legal regardless of amount if the person sharing makes no profit from it, and also the values given, at least for the songs, are too high, but it’s a start!
What I find interesting is that it only mentions music and movies, not software, though usually software developers really have no other source of revenue than direct sales while most music and movie producers don’t have to rely on such sales in the least. The greed of the record labels and movie studios is showing again, since it’s because of them that the issue has been brought up in the first place.
