Exactly two years ago I was on my way back here, after being kicked out of there after she got back the first time. It hurts as if it happened only two days ago… The time spent here since then feels like two lifetimes… And it could have been different this time, something good might be happening. But it’s not, and it’d be so easy to say it’d be different if she’d have acted differently, but it was me who really fucked up.
She did something that was bound to make me crack, but I should have stopped at just that thing, not press further again. I’m not saying I could have stopped, I couldn’t, but I should have… She said it’s ok, but she got distant again after that. Of course, I can’t be sure it was because of that, there are several other possible reasons, but the result’s the same.
And when she was already distant I did it again. Not cracking or snapping, nothing meant in any way to bother, simply speaking my mind as I always do and saying the wrong thing as I so often do. Nothing actually happened then, no “event” that could be blamed for triggering it, but a week of silence followed, a week during which I had a certain thing she said to me a while back run through my mind time and time again, hurting more and more each time. I don’t think the result was avoidable, don’t think I could have done things differently, but I certainly should have…
Last Friday, after spending a couple of hours in bed, tormented by what she said, I came to the computer intent on saying something about it. But then, before writing that mail, I checked to see if she left me any message in reply to a brief one I had sent her earlier. Oddly enough, she had, but it was anything but nice and that broke my floodgates for good. The result was a long e-mail that started from what I meant to say but went everywhere else as well. Said everything I feel for her in just so many words once again and then pretty much lashed out at her from all sides. How she acts, what she did, what she didn’t do… Partly about me, but this part was mainly about their relationship. Turning the tables, after generally supporting her through all of this, and telling her quite harshly what I think she did wrong and what she keeps doing wrong, what’s her part of the problem. I wasn’t even really sure what I wrote when I sent it, I just let it all out and sent, only working up the courage to read through it the next day.
The result? Not a single word, but I’m not seeing her on Yahoo! Messenger anymore and I’m thinking she has me on ignore. He was invisible that night and the next day as well, which makes me remember how I went invisible for him when she was telling me she’s ignoring him. He stopped hiding from me the second day after, which was after I sent her a mail asking why’s she hiding and saying there’s no point in him hiding as well because I’m too angry at him because of the last thing he did to talk to him anyway, but she probably had my e-mail blocked as well and that was just a coincidence.
Now I sent her two mails from other addresses already and more are likely to follow, but they sound so stupid. Nothing I could say… It’s pointless to ask how she is or how things are going because she’s obviously not going to answer, pointless to say any more regarding what I wrote in that mail… And I’m not sorry for what I said, so I can’t say that I am either. Not that there’s any reason to believe she’d even open an e-mail coming from me when she means to ignore me, so what I write in them doesn’t matter anyway.
In a way I’m proud of making it so far, I thought something like this would happen much sooner… But that doesn’t make any difference, does it? Sooner or later, the result’s the same… And right now I’m at a complete loss. Talking to her again, at least to some extent, and then losing her all over again…
Somebody is certainly having a lot of fun at my expense… And since I know I’m too much of a coward for anything more, I think I have another date with my knife tonight. Surprised I made it this far without doing that again, actually.
A school enforces a ban on hugs, and what’s worse is that it’s not the first time I hear about something like this. They will allow holding hands or having one arm around another person’s shoulders, but no full-body or “romantic” hugs that last more than two seconds and certainly no kissing. Supposedly it’s because some students have expressed concerns about the public displays of affection they’re witnessing, and that’s really sad.
Let’s just look at the wording for a moment. Who exactly determines whether a hug is “romantic” or not? Who’ll time them to make sure they don’t exceed two seconds? How are they going to prove any such accusations? Have cameras look for criminal huggers? Round up the witnesses of a hug? It’s just silly!
But that’s not the main issue. The main issue is that something beautiful is being turned into a crime! How can you want to stop people from hugging? I’d also ask how can you want to stop people from kissing actually… I think that seeing two people, especially when they’re in their teens or early 20s, “romantically” hug or kiss in public is one of the most beautiful things you can ever see. It’s nice and sweet and expressive and… I don’t know about you, but it tells me there might still be some hope for us.
And it’s not just about those who are more than friends, but even about friendly hugs. There is no person that I wouldn’t mind spending time with that I wouldn’t hug, and it’d certainly last much more than two seconds, so I’m not even only talking about close friends. What’s wrong with greeting somebody with a hug or hugging them when saying goodbye? What’s wrong with whispering some things to each other while hugging, which will certainly make the hug last quite a while? As a matter of fact, what’s wrong with resting your head on somebody’s shoulder or in their lap, even without being in a relationship with them? (Ok, I didn’t see anything specific about those things being banned, but somehow I’m sure they either already are or will soon be if this keeps up.) Can’t these be simply nice gestures of friendship, signs that you feel at ease around the person you’re with at the time?
When schools are plagued by such horrible things as students being bullied, mocked, discriminated against, harassed and subjected to who knows how many other forms of torture, because that’s exactly what it is, they mean to eliminate one of the few beautiful things that can bring comfort… And they’re supposedly doing it because other students are complaining! I can’t understand any of this! How can students be bothered by hugs and how can those who supposedly have their “harmonious development” in mind support this attitude? Nobody’s making them hug others if they don’t want to, why do they make others stop hugging when they want to?
If anything, hugs, and public displays of affection in general, should be encouraged! They’re beautiful, they’re calming and few things can beat them when it comes to bonding. And such bonds are needed in this hellish world we created for ourselves, and especially in such a stressful environment as school.
So the next time you are with a friend or significant other in public, give them a nice, long, tight hug! If anybody doesn’t like it, they can just look away…
I think I managed to come to a final decision regarding the components for my new computer, seeing as I was told I have 1000 Euros available for this purpose. I’m still waiting for two things to be available, but more on that after I show you the configuration I have in mind:
Motherboard: Gigabyte GA-P35-DS3 (Intel P35 / ICH9 chipset, 1333 MHz FSB, 1066 MHz DDR2 RAM, 1 PCI Express x16 slot, 8 Mb flash, on-board audio and LAN)
Processor: Intel Core 2 Duo E8400 (3.0 GHz dual-core, 1333 MHz FSB, 6 Mb L2 cache)
RAM: Corsair TWIN2X2048-8500C5D (2 Gb, 1066 MHz, 5-5-5-15 ms latency, “Dominator“)
Video card: BFG NVIDIA GeForce 8800 GTS OC 512 Mb (675 MHz core and 1674 MHz shader, compared to 650 MHz standard core and 1625 MHz standard shader)
HDD: Seagate Barracuda ES SATA 3.0 Gb/s 320 Gb (16 Mb cache, supposedly created with heavy and constant use in mind)
Power supply: Corsair VX450W
Case: Akasa AK-ZEN-01 WH (includes two 120 mm fans)
It will also include some components and peripherals from this computer, namely the TV/FM tuner (Leadtek WinFast 2000 XP Expert), DVD (Plextor PX-755A), monitor (Philips 190S7FS), mouse (Logitech MX-518), keyboard (Genius KB-12E), headphones and speakers. Apparently my webcam won’t be able to make the move as it doesn’t run under Vista, but I wasn’t using it anyway.
Yes, I’ll take a leap of faith and get Windows Vista Home Premium (32-bit), but I’m waiting for the DVDs with Service Pack 1 to hit the market so I won’t need to download and apply the service pack right after installing, and then again whenever I’ll need to reinstall, and so far no shop could give me an estimate. Microsoft announced a few weeks ago that it will happen “sometime in March”, so we’ll see.
I said I’m waiting for two things and one of them is obviously Vista SP1. The other is the CPU, there’s a complete drought of E8400s here, nobody has any and they can’t even estimate when will they get some as their suppliers say they don’t have any either. Maybe they’re just waiting for the reported temperature reporting problems to be solved, as I found on forums that Intel only “partially resolved” the issue in the second batch they sent out, but I think a general shortage is more likely, due to the great demand doubled by the exchanges requested by those who got the flawed ones, and the Romanian market is seen as low priority. It’s quite frustrating to finally know I have some funds available after so long, but see that what I want is not yet available.
But speaking of funds, all of this currently costs about 3400 lei, which at today’s rate means about 910 Euros. So I could teoretically add a little more, but I set myself a limit of 3500 lei as it’s better to be safe than sorry. I’d also really like to actually buy The Witcher, but perhaps after the Enhanced Edition will be launched.
If anybody is reading this and notices and incompatibilities, please let me know! I’m mainly talking about the motherboard not supporting those specific RAM modules or the video card needing a better power supply, because those are the things I’m not completely sure about right now, but I might have missed something else too. (Yes, I noticed that I’ll only have one PCI Express x1 slot available, as the one below the x16 slot will be covered by the cooling system of the video card and the one above the x16 slot won’t have a corresponding backplate on the case, but that doesn’t bother me.)
And there’s one more thing… It’s silly, but I might as well ask since I’m at it. If anybody knows of a decently priced, small “gaming” mouse pad, let me know. It needs to be small because that’s what I have room for here, preferably about 25 cm (10 inches) in width, certainly no more than 28 cm (11 inches). The current estimate of 3400 lei includes 50 lei set aside for that.
A while back I was writing about the need to develop other methods of contraception for animals, because spaying or neutering is cruel and plain wrong. It seems that somebody is really working on this issue and they have achieved results, which is great news.
If what that article says is true, with the pills not disrupting the mating instinct, but only making conception impossible, then it’s exactly what should be on the market. Let your pets be themselves and act on their instincts, just without the risk of an unwanted litter resulting from it. And don’t start with how those mating instincts bother you, because if you wanted something that would sit quietly where you put it and just be huggable and comforting you should have gotten a stuffed toy!
What I find odd is them specifying that the pills must be administered daily while the animal is in heat. If they work just like those for humans do, shouldn’t they be administered daily anyway? Because I know there are already some pills that you can give daily to cats when they are in heat, the difference being that those attempt to block those instincts altogether, putting the cat out of heat, and prolonged usage can have some rather serious consequences. And the other problem with that is that you only start to give your cat the pills after you notice she’s in heat, which may just be too late.
However, either way they work, I highly doubt they’ll also be effective for wild animals, as it seems highly unlikely that they’ll take the required dosage with the required frequency if it’s hidden in food that’s thrown around their territory. Using it in an attempt to control populations of wild animals will likely generate a disaster, with some overdosing while others won’t be taking any, and it will also likely affect both animals that need to have their populations reduced and those that need exactly the opposite. Not to mention that it will weaken the species, as the stronger ones will get that food and end up not passing on their genes while the weaker ones won’t and they’ll have offspring. I can see a real problem if large quantities of these pills will fall into the hands of people who don’t care too much about animals.
Still, it’s certainly a step in the right direction and really nice to see that somebody is making an effort. I suppose more information will be made available in the future and then we’ll be able to figure out exactly how useful this method will turn out to be. As for educating people about animal rights, I fear that’s an endless quest.
Seems like I go quiet when she does, and just when I was starting to write more… But she became very distant, then apparently had a small change of heart when she did talk to me a bit on Friday, but after that… Complete silence, not a word in three days. Three days during which all I did was sit here all the time I could make myself stay out of bed and wait for her to say something. That and reading things off Group Hug, at least there’s that…
