Seven…
As every year, all I’m going to do now, all I can do now, is just point out that, back in 2005, she was leaving right about now. Managed to struggle along so far, but there’s little else I could say at this point and even less that I’d care to. Had to drop the daily quota for my story this month because I couldn’t make it anymore, post ideas get dropped more and more, tried to start reading Tongues of Serpents last week but gave up after 40 pages, this month’s magazines are still largely untouched despite the month being almost over, debates that’d greatly energize me back in the day now merely make me hope that the other side will quickly decide not to continue them because I’m too drained to do much other than express an initial opinion myself…
There’s no turning back from this path, there never has been, and its destination is just as obvious now as it was seven years ago. I just hoped all along that some miracle will happen along the way… Or that at least it won’t take nearly as long to get to that unavoidable destination if it doesn’t, because actually ending up getting there became a terribly disappointing prospect after the first two years, so imagine how it looks now, after five more.
Of course, things have happened since last year, most of them right around that time, but while it at first appeared to be the first improvement, or at least the first decent chance of improvement, in more than three and a half years, it quickly became the first time in said three and a half years that things have gotten worse, which also means that they’re the worst they’ve ever been since she left. But, as always, that changes nothing when it comes to what I feel, hope or fear.
It does make my fears even worse, however. I mean, I can’t readily see much of anything anymore, I’m too afraid of what I may find to sustain the effort required to look some things up more or less fairly, and at the same time I’m still determined to not resort to, shall we say, dirtier methods or even accept the help offered by the one or two friends who I’m sure mean very well but are at times willing or even determined to “help” even with things that I keep stressing I don’t want done. As such, I basically don’t know anything anymore and I tend to assume the worst whenever this is the case when it comes to anything I’m interested in and which may take a sharp turn for the worse, so you can imagine that it’s even worse when it comes to her.
But there’s no point in saying anything else now. Or at least nothing other than what I’ve been saying all along: I love you and I always will, and unless that one completely unacceptable thing that’s also my worst fear will happen, I’ll always be here for you, no matter what… Maybe someday that’ll count for something… And maybe that day won’t come far too late.
