Seeing as the neighbors that have kept waking me up since November decided that some two and a half hours of sleep are quite enough for me today and I’m done tossing and turning while futilely trying to block out the noise, pacing angrily around the room and even watching what I was feeling like like watching again last night before I went to bed, I might as well try to post a quick update here. It’s not like I’m able to write much of anything anymore, be it here or in my story, so such a quick update is probably as good as it’d get either way.
Saturday marked seven years since I ended up back here, so these problems with my computer, and also some temporary ones with my Internet access, came at a very bad time. Then again, it’s been constantly getting worse, I’ve been watching myself collapse even further ever since last summer and computer-related issues have kept popping up since autumn, so this is just the expected progression of things, but it was now that I got to the point of crashing completely, and not just once. I just can’t take this anymore and can’t understand how come I’m still here, largely in the sense of how come I’m still alive, after all this time.
First it was two weeks ago, or more exactly two weeks minus some ten hours ago, when I found myself crying my eyes out for a good 30 minutes, and it’s been six years since I last cried while alone and without really struggling to, and even while struggling it only happened a few times since, not to mention that six years ago there was a clear trigger that made me just sit on my butt and cry. But this shows the mood I’m in, and the fact that three days later I was wondering who to send a desperate message to and even sent one to someone who couldn’t have done anything even if she’d have wanted to should perhaps say even more.
But clearly the lowest point, so far, was Wednesday night, when I just lost it completely, rushed to dad in the living room and started babbling and crying, being there for over an hour, shaking, dizzy, arms and legs going numb… Not that it was the first time I went to him and said a few things recently when I didn’t know what else to do anymore, but definitely nothing like that, so imagine what state I’m in if I’m doing this when otherwise I’m avoiding them in every way I can.
But I said this was just going to be a quick update, so let me just add here that Wednesday, before the breakdown, I reinstalled Windows 7 and figured out why it was so slow, but at this point I don’t know what causes that to happen or how to fix it for good, though I at least managed to mitigate it for the time being. And I should also add that I had ordered Hawkwood and the Kings and Century of the Soldier some two weeks ago and, though they initially said they’ll take some three weeks to arrive, I got them yesterday, so have some more actual books to read again. Seeing as, after previously never reading nor intending to read any ebooks, the last no less than four I read have been exactly that, this is more than welcome.