Cav's Place

There was one other personal post written on a Sunday since the start of the year, but that was strictly about a specific problem that I was unfortunately having at that exact time, so this would actually be the first “Sunday update” posted this year, although they were quite the norm last year. Of course, the reason for that isn’t that everything’s been going so well that I could write at least two serious non-personal posts per week and felt no need to feel sorry for myself in writing, but quite the contrary, that I couldn’t bring myself to write anything else and eventually had to write a personal post earlier during the week just to have something here, leaving me to struggle over the weekend in an attempt to throw some poor excuse of a non-personal post alongside it.
However, this week I somehow seem to have managed to write a serious non-personal post earlier, so I could finally wait until Sunday before posting a personal one and therefore I can also mention the fact that I took part in another event yesterday. I’m not sure I could call it a protest and I’m definitely wondering how much of it is manipulation, but the primary goal is to recover a part of the park that I usually go to when I want to go to a park and have it cleaned and properly maintained once again, which is something I definitely support, so I took part, signed the petition and now I’m keeping an eye on how the situation develops, because something is certainly fishy about the whole thing.
Thankfully, yesterday was also a very nice day, so I could go there and just sit and read as well, starting before the event, since I arrived some 15 minutes early, and then continuing after I left, reading some 70 pages in the park and then finishing the book after I got back, which of course also resulted in the typical two-paragraph review. It took me almost two weeks to read that, which is embarrassing, but at least I did read it, liked it, and now I can move on to the next. Maybe I’ll even read a good part of it in the park too, since spring seems to have finally arrived in force.

Otherwise, there are still some issues with the computer, a couple of them new, which is obviously still freaking me out. At least some of them are definitely bugs that’d persist, or at least reappear, even if I’d reinstall yet again, and sending support messages and trying to discuss the matter feels something like a particular Monty Python skit, so I have no clue what to do about that, nor about the mouse, after the button above the wheel that I have been using as middle button finally became practically unusable, after having issues for a long time. I reassigned the one below the wheel to have the same function, so I’m still fine while not playing anything, which is still the case, but it will be very uncomfortable to use like that if I will manage to get back to playing games and I can’t think of any model out of those I know to be currently available here that I’d want to replace it with.

Last but definitely not least, somebody else seems to have stumbled upon my blog recently and has been thoroughly going through it since then, which also made me go back through certain posts that I saw in the logs as a result… And I realized that overall, despite how it feels, I’m not getting particularly worse. Some details may differ, certain elements that once still functioned at some level no longer do, but the overall amount of despair and hopelessness seems to remain relatively constant ever since I got thrown back here, bar the few moments when I thought I might have a reason to hope again.
Of course, that just makes me wonder what the fuck am I still doing here even more. I mean, all right, I’m waiting for a miracle because it’d be too disappointing to have survived so long without said miracle eventually happening and giving this survival a purpose, but seeing as said miracle isn’t happening and it’s been a long time since I even thought I might want to have a reason to try to do pretty much anything at all unless it does happen, what’s the point? If the purpose of life is that which you give it, yet the primary one I gave mine went away without looking back and I can’t even be particularly interested in wanting to try to go for any of the others without it… More and more often, I find it hard to believe that I’m still around…