Ninth Lonely July 12
12 years since me and Andra actually met the first time, 12 years since we kissed for the first time, 12 years since our relationship started… And close to nine since it ended. What would have been our 12th anniversary is the ninth, I don’t know, commemoration perhaps? Does that term still apply if I’m the only one remembering and caring about it?
I’m exhausted, my brain refuses to cooperate and I don’t know what else to say at the moment, but at least now I can more or less curl in a ball and listen to emotional music, after wasting my time with a protest earlier today. If someone is tempted to say those were at least some four hours less spent moping around and feeling like shit, I’ll disagree, the only difference being that I just sort of sat around and didn’t let it show quite so much, which only made it even more exhausting. Too few people care at all, even fewer enough to do anything, and Alex just made it a whole lot worse by acting like somebody had just fucked him in the ass and didn’t pay, and I apologize to those who practice anal sex, prostitution or both for the comparison.
Also couldn’t eat anything today, since the kitchen keeps being blocked most of the day lately, parents spending more and more time there. Then again, after getting thrown back here I had settled into only eating once per day, late at night, after they went to bed, so guess I could get back to that if this keeps up. I’ll definitely be doing it today, and then let’s see what the next days and weeks will hold.
Otherwise, sent a message into the void a few days ago, by which I mean I sent an e-mail to her address, where as far as I know I’m blocked. Unlike those I send on her birthday, when I’m particularly worried about her for some reason or sometimes also around New Year’s, when I try to figure out ways to increase the chances of them actually reaching her, despite knowing they almost certainly won’t be read either way, that wasn’t the point this time. Not that I’m particularly sure what the point actually was, but it wasn’t that. May have been to simply think with my fingers a little more, see if anything is clearer or otherwise noticeably different once written, but also see if having her name there at the top will make it in any way different from simply writing in a file nobody else will see, or in a message that I’ll delete without ever sending it, which happens at times.
But I guess that’s enough for today. Less than an hour until the third place match, so I’ll just put my clothes back where they belong and then wait for that to start… Though at this point I just want to curl up under the blanket and come back out after I’ll wake up from this bad dream I’ve been living in all these years.
