Cav's Place

Here I am, on New Year’s Night, sitting alone in my room, in front of my computer, wondering how long it’ll be until my parents will go to bed so I’ll be able to go eat something, and writing this post. Well, writing this post while mentally switching between worries about current issues, memories of better days and fantasies of a future worth living in…
With every passing day, month, year, it becomes more and more clear that the only way I’ll live such a future will be to become so insane I’ll completely lose any touch with reality and be convinced I’m living it even though I’m not. And yet, I of course have to keep telling myself there is hope, if only because I couldn’t kill myself back when it had a point and there’s no other way to rationalize the fact that I’m still around and using this world’s already all too insufficient resources.

Otherwise, yes, did decide to keep using the mouse as it is this week and take it to be serviced when there’s a better chance anybody’ll actually look at it within a reasonable amount of time. I still can’t actually imagine myself doing that on my own and doing it right, and the fact that I’m in this situation in the first place proves what happens when I try, yet at the same time I still didn’t even tell my parents about it, so I have no idea what will happen. The only clear thing is that I made a big and expensive mistake that, unless I’ll somehow get very lucky with the replacement I’ll receive, will probably keep haunting me until I’ll decide to give up and try something else, hoping it’ll at least be reliable even though I’ll have to give up on many of the functions I’m already getting so used to.

There are other scary things I have planned for 2015, most of them out of necessity, some requiring me to act as soon as a few days from now, but what doesn’t frighten, dishearten or even completely crush me? I mean, yes, there definitely are things, some that aren’t only completely desirable on their own but may even help me cope with some moderate problems to a certain extent, but it’s been far too long since I’ve actually experienced any of them and it keeps getting harder to hope that I ever will again… Or even to trust my memories and believe that it was ever possible to experience them in the past.

Still, this is the first post of a new year, so I guess I’ll end it by stating that my wishes for 2015 are to be at least as healthy as in 2014, and preferably even more so, and to get the things I wished for during 2014 as well and didn’t get then. On a strictly personal level, that means more good books to read, a new computer, though I have changed my plans for that at the moment, the motivation, strength and equipment needed to become slightly more active and efficient in various ways, a true close friend that I’ll also be able to actually spend time with, and… And another chance with her, and the strength, wisdom and opportunities to make proper use of it for the rest of my days. Otherwise, that counter will reach the double digits this year.