Cav's Place

It’s wonderful to finally have something to hold on to again… It’s terrifying to finally have something to lose again…

We exchanged several e-mails yesterday and I don’t think I’d fully believe I didn’t dream it if a hundred wrestlers had pinched me… Didn’t talk about personal issues, yet there still were awkward and dangerous moments, but right now it doesn’t matter. I know something about her again, after 15.5 months of not even knowing whether or not she was still alive! We finally talked again after about a year and a half! And something finally seemed to work right, two years and one month (minus one day) after the last time something really good happened! That didn’t last for too long, but maybe this will…

Since she told me the night before that I could mail her and see what happens, and I did, I barely managed to sleep about an hour and a half afterwards. Then it was a good thing I was alone for most of the day, since I could eat something early on when I still could, because later it was hard enough to keep from throwing up even without putting something else in. Being alone was also good since I could clean my room, change the sheets and so on. Felt the need to do that just then…
Writing those mails was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I’m sure it will keep being just as hard for a long time. I had to rush to the bathroom three times (right after seeing some of her messages) and barely managed not to soil my pants, shook and shivered like crazy, lost feeling (and occasionally control) in more body parts than I can name, sweated like a pig, switched from burning to freezing and back again too many times to count, cried more than I did in all the time since I ended up back here (minus the first day) put together and this time they were happy tears, ended up wet and dry in all the wrong places, saw all sorts of funny, was dizzy most of the time, mind was sluggish, my teeth shook in their sockets, think I lost a noticeable amount of whatever hair I have left (and wonder how come it didn’t all turn white) and I think it was a good thing nobody tried to take my pulse, blood pressure or anything else because I’d have broken their instruments. I didn’t even know where the keys were anymore while writing the last two mails, kept hitting the wrong letters, but, damn it, I made it through!

If I could survive that it means there truly is only one thing that can break me anymore. But I still have to be careful not to give in to my typical cowardice. I have to do this right, can’t run away, not now, not again! After two fucking years of running away, it’s about time I start just walking towards something for a change.
Sure, what I feel, hope and need is light years away from this, and so is even that level where it would enable me to fight off some of the pain, but just talking a little about whatever, just knowing she’s there, is infinitely more than I’ve had for the past year and a half. Right now, this is the most I can reasonably expect and, right now, it’s all I want. It’s bittersweet, but at least it’s not just bitter anymore. Damn it, for the first time in over two years I’m just a little bit happy! I had forgotten how that feels like…
Now I just need to hold on to it, make this work. Not let her drift away again but, more importantly, not let myself drive her away by pressing too hard for things she’s not willing to offer. I’m putting every little bit of myself that’s still functional, every little bit of energy I still have, into this. I can’t let it fail!

This has to be the second best birthday present I ever received, especially since it happened when it did completely by chance.
Yeah, seems like it had nothing to do with me e-mailing that test result, though the fact that it could have been triggered by it still is a good reason to make everyone think long and hard about all the potential consequences of their actions.

Think and say what you will about this, I simply don’t care.