Cav's Place

When I said I’ll delete everything and crawl back into a hole if this turns out badly, I was thinking I won’t be able to control myself, spill out once again all the things she knows all too well and run away like the coward that I am… Either that or that she’d react badly to my first messages and lash out at me…
But I needed it to go well so badly I managed to control myself, though I doubt I’ll ever understand how, and when I saw that her first few replies weren’t angry I was actually hoping this will be something to make me stick a little more than just my nose out of that hole again, get more involved in some things, talk to a few more people, get back to using Yahoo! Messenger so we’d be chatting again, since basically chatting through e-mail as I sometimes do now with at least one person is quite tedious. But all that required her to be one of those people I’d be talking to and the main reason I’d log on to Yahoo! Messenger again.

But neither happened. It certainly didn’t go well, but, according to my definition, it didn’t go badly either… She just went silent… Exchanged several e-mails over the first three days, then sent me one more a few days later, then a snappish one-liner, which wasn’t even aimed at me, some days after that, and… It’s been a week since that one.
I have sent her a couple of things since then, when I had something to say. Even wrote that she can choose not to answer if that’s what she wants, but I hope I can still send stuff. She probably didn’t even read these, might even have me blocked now, but I have to try, don’t I? Besides, it’s also the fact that I can do it, I could talk to her, though it was terribly hard, and I can still manage to send her things when I have something to say. I guess I’m thinking that as long as I can do that, as long as I don’t run away, I won’t fail myself for once…
And no, I can’t “just give her time”. If I back away now and don’t send anything for weeks, or even months, I won’t be able to try again later out of the blue. I’ll need another opportunity like the one that made this happen, and if it took a year and a half for it to happen once I don’t have many hopes of it happening again… Besides, if she’s already ignoring me, whether I say anything or not makes little difference anyway.

Yet… All of this is on borrowed time… I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to cling to the idea that it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would since it didn’t turn out well either. Yes, it’s not worse than it was before, but it’s not better either and I can’t just go on like this anymore. Damn it! I can’t do it, ok?
Bottom line… If you’ll come here one day and find the blog gone, along with my OkCupid account and my Materia Magica character, you’ll know why…