Cav's Place

I said I’ll make it through the week, take part in Materia Magica‘s Halloween Global and read two books to help me along. Did all that, the week’s over and… I’m wondering why the fuck am I writing this… I’m not even sure precisely how much of this is simply because I made it as far as I wanted to try to make it and how much because of other factors added to that…

Woke up and got up immediately instead of spending hours in bed as I’ve been once again doing lately, since parents would come back in the afternoon (they were gone since Friday) and I didn’t want to waste my last hours alone, not that I do much of anything in them anyway… Not having those hours of brooding and daydreaming made me feel sort of like having a storm cloud right over my head the whole day, more so than usual I mean…
Then getting up much earlier than usual and doing some things around the house meant I got tired by the time they got back, which made my mood even worse, just drooping around since I couldn’t take a nap this evening.
I’m sure the fact that certain areas are itching quite unbearably again added a lot to it, especially since now I know I won’t get rid of that problem (diagnosis was atopic dermatitis), plus noticing all the bad shaking again and the fact that my lower front teeth are moving around quite a lot.
I also decided to give the glasses a try now and that’s just depressing. Might be nice not to have to squint anymore but wearing these pieces of shit just sucks! Plus that I’m seeing noticeably worse when I take them off, eyes getting used to being relaxed… The left one is ok, only takes seconds to readjust, but with the right I can’t even make out headlines now… Plus that I’m seeing more spots and dots after I take them off than I usually do.
Then there is the simple fact that they got back and everything went right out of my hands again, of course. That’s made worse by not being able to find underwear again. One pair there, but I took one look at them and weren’t too sure they were mine, so I checked the clothesline, had a hard time picking one I thought was mine, looked at them again and weren’t so sure anymore, so I put them back… Really depressing to not even know what your underwear is anymore and always wonder whether it didn’t get mixed up before too…
Then there were the books (“The Man Who Sold the Moon” and “Glory Road“, both by Heinlein), which I finished now… For one, they’re from her and I “used up” two of them. Saving the books for “emergencies” and, while this certainly rates as one, there’s a noticeable feeling of loss because I read them… And if that wouldn’t have been enough in itself, while normally I expect the heroes to have terrible prices to pay for their achievements and frown when they don’t, right now I could have really used a “happily ever after” ending, and “Glory Road” didn’t provide that. Actually, it’s final chapters were very close to being exactly the worst thing I could have read about right now…
Plus that there isn’t anybody to talk to, and certainly no hugs, though that’s no news…

Yeah, perhaps silly, I know, but that’s how it is… Now I guess I’ll just get myself obsessed with Divine Divinity again, since I’m trying to pick up where I left off back in February, and see if it takes me through another week…
But, damn it, I just want some sort of life that I’ll have some fucking control over! Was about to wonder whether that’s so much to ask, but I had that and fucked it up… So I guess it might be…